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female
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anonymous
writes: I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now. We are very close. We use to talk about marriage and having kids, not seriously, but just in a sentimental kind of way. Then one day, he tells me that realistically he thinks we have no future. He said he doesn't want to get married to me, have kids with me, or even live with me. He said it has nothing to do with me, that he just thinks we are two different people at different places in our lifes. I am 21, going to University. He is 30, has 2 kids from a previous relationship (never married). He said that he still wants to get married one day and have more children but not with me. One reason I guess is because my parents don't know about his age or kids and he said he is not willing to face all the heat he will receive. He said he had to justify his last relationship to everyone and he does not want to again. I just feel so insulted, like I'm not worth the struggle. He claims he still wants to be together, but he just feels our relationship is 'make-believe'. What do I do? How could he all the sudden have a change? If he wants those thing for himself and I do to than why couldn't it happen?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2006): Unfortunately, considering he's apparently ashamed of his age and two children, it sounds like this guy doesn't love HIMSELF enough to truly love another.
I agree with the others here, it's time to move on. Don't be surprised if he tries to hold on to what isn't there when you make the break, however - that kind of come-here/go-away pattern is common amongst folks who don't love themselves enough to look beyond the current lonely moment.
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (23 November 2006):
 I think you need to move on from this guy. He's told you he sees no future with you so that, in itself, means your wasting your time with him. Do you really want to spend valuable time with someone who, quite frankly, will drop you when a better opporunity for him comes along?
You deserve more than this. Let him go about his life wasting time but don't let him drag you down with him. I know it's hard and I think your self esteem needs a bit of building back up but, I promise, you will get through this and find someone who doesn't take you for granted and can see himself loving you enough to spend the rest of his life making you happy.
Some men can't bear the idea of commitment and maybe he's just scared. But this is no boy: he's a grown man and he needs to sort himself out if he's ever going to have a successful relationship. You don't need this, do you?
I think you have answered your own question with the phrase 'like I'm not worth the struggle'. This is how he's made you feel and this is not true. I'm sure so many guys would love to be with you and I think you will start to see that once you get shot of this loser and find someone better.
Good luck and keep me posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2006): You should be worth the struggle, you really should. So what should you do? You need to focus on the reality that 'the writing is on the wall' and you need to move on, dear to better opportunities. Because when a man tells you that he wants to get married someday and have children...but not with you, what is that telling you? There are two possible reasons why he changed and why he is doing this:
a) Obviously, the first reason is he does not want to continue the relationship..he's uninterested, does not share the same feelings and just wants out. But that type of 'change in a guy' usually happens slowly.
b) The 2nd reason is, and I'm a bit inclined to go with this one is--he has another love interest (female) and this could be what caused the sudden change in him and of course, he's not telling you. He's trying to find other excuses to break up re: the age gap excuse (lame) .
You are an intelligent, bright 21 year old woman attending university. That tells me you are a good, independent, strong woman who is looking after her own future. You are not expecting some guy to give you that future. Good for you, hun! There are a lot of awesome, like-minded great men out there who would jump at the chance to date a fine lady like yourself. You have to just believe in yourself and the power you have within..to overcome the pain this man has inflicted on you.
My suggestion is to let him go, heal, recover and get on with life. You have so much to look forward to to. And you so richly deserve to have a wonderful guy who loves you endlessly and wants marriage and family with you. Give yourself that chance. I so wish you the best dear and never tolerate or allow anyone to treat you this way, again. Hold out for the best. Good luck
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A
female
reader, littlelostgirl +, writes (23 November 2006):
i know how your feeling babe, you fall in love and before you know it you got the wedding dress planned in your head and the kids names all spelt out. i understand this must hurt alot !. the thing is hun do you really want to be with some one who says he doesnt see a future with you but maybe with some one else. you are a unique special indiidule you should be the centre of a guys world !. i was with a man who i planned it all with and when it ended i was deverstated, i didnt know what my future without would hold and it scarred me !. then i met a lovely genuine guy who would walk to the ends of the earth for me and is so desperate for me to be his wife because he loves me ! you need some one who will make you feel special like you deserve !.
ask him if he means it of if it was just a momentary thing ? ask if he thinks one day you could get married, if not ask him if he thinks you deserve to never have the things you have always wanted.
i am a great believer in if you love them let em go ! and with university you will have loads of opportunities to meet an intellgent person who values you ! i am at university you meet so many many people to met enjoy it with out this worry over your head.
take care all the best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2006): Well you are still very young at 21. He on the other hand has had first hand experience at commitment and children even though he wasn't married. Maybe he's not ready for that again at this moment in time. You are at university and studying for a career, you have plenty of time to think about marriage and children. Just because you are thinking about this now, in a few years time you may feel differently as you will have lots of exciting opportunities infront of you. Again there is an age gap, not that this should be a problem, but I think you should take things slowly and not rush things. Put the marriage and children on the back burner for the time being and enjoy your yoursleves. Who knows in time when you're a little older he may change his viewpoint. Best of luck.
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