A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:is it wrong for me to withhold sex from the guy i'm currently seeing? i just don't feel like i know him well enough yet to sleep with him, but in his mind i think he's getting frustrated because he thinks i'm just using it as an excuse and that im actually 'playing games' with him. i still want to hang out with him but i feel like he's only in it because he's hoping i'll eventually put out. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 I agree with Auntie CindyCares, I don't like the term "witholding sex". That means you are using sex as a bargaining chip, nothing more.
If you don't feel like you know him well enough, be upfront with him. If he isn't ready to wait TIL you are ready for it, then obviously he isn't for you.
Taking your time to get to know a guy before dropping your knickers is NOT a bad idea.
You have to do what feels right for YOU.
And to Anon male, being a virgin or not has NOTHING to do with when you should have sex with some one.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 November 2011):
 If you are "withholding" because you are not ready to have intimate relations then it's not really withholding and i see nothing wrong with that. If you have had sex with him and then changed your mind to play games then that's withholding. and it's wrong.
Perhaps it's the terminology you are using. When you are ready you will know it. You're not withholding if your not ready. IF you are denying yourself as well as him then yes it's gameplaying and withholding and wrong.
If it's a question of timing and you're not ready.. then that's different.
also you said "but in his mind i think he's getting frustrated"
you have NO idea what he's thinking. do not make assumptions on that aspect of his mind. I live with my man and have been with him a year and I don't begin to pretend to know what he's THINKING unless he tells me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): If you are a virgin then your actions are jusified. If you're not a virgin then I don't see any reason why you're witholding it from him. After all its' just sex isn't it? No point in making an issue out of it. We're in the 21st century. We have contraceptives. He's your boyfriend. If he wants some cheese give it to him. You sound like you want to marry this guy by wanting to build your trust & confidence in him like how a wife builds trust & confidence in her husband. He just wants to get laid with his girlfriend. Whats' so bad about that? So if you're not a 'V' stop pretending to be pure & innocent. Have fun with the relationship & let yourself go.
Otherwise its' JUST REALLY FRUSTRATING.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 Using the term 'witholding sex' is wrong in this scenario - that term implies you have had sex with this guy before and have now stopped for whatever reason. Women use this game when they are in relationships and are annoyed at the man for whatever reason so 'withold' sex to get back at him.
Whereas in your case you simply are not ready to sleep with him yet - that is not a game and you are perfectly justified to wait as long as you want.
You are right to be worried that he might just be waiting until you finally do put out, a lot of men do this and they often leave as soon as they have gotten what they wanted.
Wait as long as you want to judge his true intentions - if he really liked you he wouldnt put any pressure on you and he would wait as long as you needed.
If he keeps bringing it up I suggest you speak to him, explain that you are not playing games but you simply are not ready yet and dont want to rush things. Explain you are worried he might just be waiting for you to put out and then will leave so you need to be 100% sure it is right before you do have sex, and that you hope he understands. If he has a problem with this well let him go, he is not worth it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (1 November 2011):
 you are not wrong, men are always keen to get women into bed, its just nature. if you are being genuine when you say that you feel you don't know him well enough and you don't feel ready yet then absolutely you shouldn't cave in just coz its what he wants.
however, if you reasons are that you don't find him sexually attractive and feel you might never want to sleep with him or that you are settling for him until something better comes along, then yes, you are playing with him. also as you don't want to have sex with him yet, be careful that you do not 'tease' him sexually coz that is really not fair to him
x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 I don't like the use of "witholding sex " in this context because it implies that you'd be really playing games and playing hard to get or something, while it's not what you are doing.
You just want to be intimate with a man when you'll know him and trust him enough to see he's into you and not into sex only. Very normal and rational, and something that every guy can understand also if he pretends not too. You'll be ready when you'll be ready. Don't let him pressure you, and keep him waiting as long as necessary. If he likes you enough he'll stick around, if he does not ...you won't be missing much.
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