A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We're both 44 and divorced.We've been dating about 11 months. We get along well, enjoy hanging out and his kids really like me a lot. All is going well.We tell each other "I love you". While my house was being finished I lived with him and the kids for about 3 weeks. he has custody, ex wife unstable, drinks and cheated on him. I was nervous about moving in but it turned out really well. We enjoyed living together. He told me how much he loved having me at his house, smiling all the time. etc. We were both really happy and if I left for the weekend, I was missed. The kids missed me when I was gone. My house gets finished and I move out. He said he was sad when bath drawers were empty asked if I was going to leave stuff for when I sleep over. No problems. That next week we did not see each other very much, busy moving, unpacking, and he was busy with kids. At some point during this his ex wanted to meet with him to discuss the kids. She was asking him what's going on with them, they seem moody and seem like they are having problems. I'm not really sure what else was said. But I did comment that this has nothing to do with me, if she was trying to blame me, and that I was not even living there anymore. And kids are fine and going through normal teen stuff. They are really good kids. We have fun on together and do things as a family. after that talk he was busy and seemed a little distant. I mentioned that I felt a disconnect. About a week later I called him and he was quiet. I asked "Are you breaking up with me?' He basically said yes. I asked why/whats' up. He said he needs to focus on kids, getting son into college. He did not say much. I was really upset and sent him a text. It was rather long. I asked why? I did not understand? etc. Asked if there was someone else/is he dating? It wasn't bad but I also wish I did not send it. But I also feel cheated-a break up over phone/text. I feel I deserve face to face and an explanation. His response was 2 sentences "I won't be dating. I just think I need to be alone". WHAT?! I did not pursue and left it at that. If he wants to be alone than I will leave him alone. I have to see him at work briefly twice a week and it's really difficult. I spoke with him briefly. I told him I loved him and still had hope for us. He said he loved me too and also had hope. I was still left feeling unsettled and I still don't have answers. I saw him next day and asked "is this for good" and he said "for now". What does that mean? I want to give him his time in the hopes that he'll miss me. It's been 6 days, no talk, no see, no nada. And seeing him briefly at work interferes with him being alone - in my book. I know we love each other, we are great together as a couple and as a family. He is very calm and level headed, he grounds me when I get worked up. I make him laugh. We have a nice balance. We trust each other. He is an Aquarius, which is good for Sag, But that also means he keeps emotion inside and can run hot and cold. He talked about our future together. He includes me in all of the family trip planning. As we drove by an empty lot he said "that's were we can build OUR house". I know he thinks of our future together. Another week passes and I see him at work again. I am distraught, but i hold it together. I calmly ask him if at some point we can talk privately at my/his house. he said he'd call me later that day. He never called. I feel this is completely rude, disrespectful and cowardice. He could have texted that he was not ready to talk or something. does anyone have any advice or insight? I have not contacted him in any form, other than the brief hello at work. I am leaving him alone but i am miserable. I was completely shocked and caught off guard by this breakup and his current actions are not that of the man I was with. He was kind and now he is cold.
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at work, broke up, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): I feel for you, must be so painful. I dont know why he is doing this and nobody but he does. I can tell you this...if he is capable of turning on you like this at this early stage of the relationship I guarantee you this isnt the end of it....i know its not what you want to hear but i think it might spare you a lot more grief later. Allow yourself to grieve and heal and one day you will look back on this and realise it was not what it appeared...who knows you might even find out....but my advice...move on and heal....wishing you a quick recovery
A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (25 November 2012):
 Either he slept with his ex, or he has unresolved issues and hasn't really moved on from that... Sounds like his ex also is trying to control his emotions even though they're no longer together. She's miserable, and she's using his kids as emotional blackmail. There's nothing he or you can do, because he's basically been handed a sentence to do what she thinks is best or will probably take his kids away...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): I am sorry that he treated you like that and distanted himself. That is really unacceptable, however it doesn't make any sense that he changes like that in no time. I am thinking maybe his ex really felt jealous of you knowing that even the kids enjoyed your company and liked you being around. I would think he is trying to avoid stress, maybe his ex wife will take advantage of the situation and try to get kids' custody. As difficult as the sitution is right now, PLEASE don't talk to him at work, stop asking questions about your future together. He said he wants to be alone, leave him alone as you did. I would say give him the silent treatment, don't even comment on last time he promised he will call and did not, if it's meant to be, he will come back to you. Keep yourself busy. Good luck, I hope this really helps.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (25 November 2012):
 Hi
What a strange turn of events,it must have left you with the wind knocked out of you to say the least.
I would imagine the Ex said something,perhaps it followed on from something the kids have said to her? Its hard to say what it could be, but that seems to be the turning point for you two.
Yes he should have given you an explanation,doesn't sound like he will though,not yet anyway. If you can avoid him at work I would.You need time to get over this.Its never easy when a man isn't who we thought and he sure wasn't.He can't even share whats bought him to end things, so you weren't as close as you thought.
At least you have a home and a job,you were independant of him.Time to rebuild YOUR life now. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): He apparently wasn't the man you thought he was. Who knows what changed, but the fact that he can say he loves you & is unable to sit down and discuss his situation, says a lot about his character (or lack of).
The best thing you can do, is not to contact him at all, act as if he is a complete stranger. If you see him at work, be as happy as you can, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing how bad you're hurting. I think he is a jerk treating you this way. He could of been a man & sat down face to face and gave you the closure you needed.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 November 2012):
 If you didn't now better, you'd think that something has been said between him and his ex wife as it seems all this came from the point he had a conversation with her about the kids.
Perhaps there are issues that you don't know about?, maybe financial worries or unsettled business over the ids and perhaps he is rethinking the divorce? (I am trying to find reasonable explainations to a very strange turn of events)
Even after 11 months it is still possible that you do not now everything about this man and perhaps he has been swept along on a sea of love and romance but his ex wife has brought him back to reality...hence the sudden U-turn.
I really feel for you, it must be very hard to be dropped with no explainaton but very often the simplest answer is the correct one and there is something 'huge' blocing his relationship with you. Something you were unaware of and maybe something he was in denial over.
You are absolutely right to feel he owes you an explaination but some men are cowardly and would rather pull down the shutters than face the truth. I really cannot see that it is anything you have done...this is something to do with him exclusively and obviously he wants space to either deal with it or live with it.
I would avoid him at work, because by seeing him you are reinforcing your pain and suffering...you also need time to settle yourself and get to grips with your emotions. Not seeing or speaking to him does not mean the end of things but for now you have to concede to his request and try to get your life back on track.
He knows what he has done, he knows he is being rough on you, but whatever has made him do it, is obviously a much bigger task/problem and he is submitting to it.
Sometimes there is no answer but given enough space, he will eventually have to face you and explain this mystery I am sure.
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