A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't understand my boyfriend. Im not even sure I can handle his lifestyle anymore. He works away and when he comes home he drinks not heavily but over a long period. Spends alot of money and is out late. In the 4-5 days he is home he could drink for 3 rest for 1 and then he does nothing the day before he goes back. We have a child now and a home loan. He makes things sound like Im trying to be his mum. But I feel that I'm just making house and staying the responsible one for our child. He always prefers me to drive and it seems that he always belittles me about things. Like when I never had a job and he always worked, I was also pregnant most of the time. Well I may just have a job now and he is now making it sound like an inconvience because now I can't just drive him around and he will have to look after our child when he is down while I work, which is only 4 hours at a time anyway. I have gone off at him quite a bit because he doesnt stop after just one day of drinking and is spending hundreds of dollars on booze, occasional drugs and pokies. But I'm the nag. He always says he never gets to see his friends but he always sees someone when he comes down and it's always us going to see his family. He really believes this. He is a great guy. He is not a nasty drunk, he is affectionate, I always know where he is but he feels what he does doesnt directly hurt anyone except himself. But It hurts me to, I don't want to live like this with so much money wasted. He is already talking about days off when it works in when I'm not working. Like he is so hard done by, by looking after our son. I look after him the whole time he is away and mainly when he is here! Im sick of feeling like this. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't drink like him or spend money like he does and when he lectures me about my spending it's mainly on household stuff, baby stuff, bills and things like that. What I would directly spend on myself would be like 1/8 depening on circumstances of what he does on himself. I don't think he sees this?? Or is he really that selfish because he is so generous in other ways but never when it comes to time and drinking and thats where our main family time is being spent. I don't feel I can leave him, I want to be with him but I don't know how long I can live like this. He thinks giving me a home and living comfortably should satisfy me enough and that my life isn't that hard.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): Hi,
I am the original poster.
He does talk about counselling, he wants to sort himself out but it's always after the fact. Like he has gone back to work and he was feeling terribe after 3 days of drinking and sorry for not getting himself together but then talks about me bringing him a beer when he gets in?? He feels sorry for himself and always wants my support and to cheer him up but I'm angry at him and I dont know how to give it to him or even understand how he could expect it. He always says he is trying but it's the same cycle. I know he would like to make things better but I don't believe he trys hard enough.
He gets very sensitive if I talk about my concerns about past incidents but they only just happened. Apparently I hurt him when I say things about it and that I can't bring up the past but it only just happened two days ago! I say it because It's the same thing that is happening over and over. I hate being told that he's looked after our son all day but I've been there to and when he is watching him I"m cleaning, going to the shops, things like that. The way he views things are so self centred.
And we are fighting so much. He hates fighting and always calls me a fighter but any opinion I have or when I say my concerns is viewed as fighting to him. He is quite complicated but a good person and loving. I'm so confused right now!!
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (22 October 2009):
 Anyone who is left holding the baby so to speak even when they are in a relationship and the other person is in the house but very distant like the way my old relationship went doesn't see the damage they are doing.
They become blind to the facts and only focus on themselves.
OK so he works away and that is why he is not involved in your true family life, you are the responsible adult and he just wants to play like a child when he comes home.
No relationship can function forever at that level and when you start talking about drink and drugs and anything else then you really do need to do something about it rather than leaving it and ignoring it hoping it is going to put itself right as it won't. That is just plain facts.
He has not had a wake up call and I think it is about time that something is done to rectify the situation.
Do you communicate with his family much and do you get on with them?
If they live nearby then you need to make them aware of how things are for you day to day. Don't be the one constantly caring for your son, get them involved or get friend's and family to help you out. Don't always be available for him, how about you actually getting some time off as that is just plain fair at the end of the day.
If you are also working to support your family when he is there or when he is away then you deserve times for yourself as well. All work and no play just grinds you down.
Don't sit back and be the doormat forever, if you don't make a stand then nothing will change and the longer it goes on the more resentment you will have for your man and the non existent relationship he has with his son will only get worse and it will be your son who suffers in the long run.
Try to work out what you want out of this relationship and start making some ground rules like maybe he could send some money when he is away working so that you have a buffer account for any emergencies that may crop up and don't let him get access to it when he returns home as he will then think it is his right to touch it to use if he runs out of money. Not the case buddy, that should be so you can have the odd night off or be able to treat yourself with, like a hair appointment or nails or maybe even a massage, something to recharge your battery.
You are living a life like a single parent and if that is the case then consider how things would be if you weren't with him. Try and work out what monies and housing you could get if he wasn't in the picture and then maybe you can try and focus on what you are actually getting out of this relationship by continuing to be with him.
So there is a roof over your head but that also goes for his son as well and you are working to so you are contributing to that house and you have every right to be there and to be the carer for your son.
Check and see if you are entitled to any other benefits for your child as well as you are on a part time wage and if he is not regularly contributing a set amount into the house every month then that is not being shown on any entitlements to benefits.
You cannot be happy right now as you have already expressed this so it is time for action. Let your family in though and let them know this is dragging you down.
Life is for living and having a happy mummy makes for a happier childhood for your son.
Unless you do something now things will continue to drag on until so much resentment has built up that you end up walking away with nothing, so get an action plan and find out what your rights are so that you are prepared for any eventuality.
You are a young woman with a hell of a lot going for you and if this guy is not prepared to notice that then maybe another man out there would so he is lucky to have you keeping the home fires burning and it is about time he realised that.
Get him to go to some counselling instead of spending money on booze and drugs so that you can actually have a proper future together. If he refuses then you know he has no strong committment to your relationship or to your child and in my opinion that is the time to consider what he actually does for you and your son. You could be much better off without him and much happier to.
Keep us posted eh!
Here any time to talk as we all are OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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