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female
age
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anonymous
writes:My partner is a very caring Dad who spends as much time as he can with his kids from his first marriage. They stay with us on a regular basis and he pays a regular sum to his ex via CSA plus pays extra towards sports, mobile phones etc. His ex goes away a lot for weekends, holidays without the kids and nights out, this obviously is not a problem to us and the kids often stay extra. The thing that we are finding upsetting is that the kids school uniforms are often in a poor state with holes in shoes and trousers. My partners son's school shoes had holes in the bottom and were like that for weeks until my partner bought him some new ones as we could not see him looking so neglected. When the kids ask mum she says she does not have any money. This is happening more often now and son needs new trousers, he still has last years and they are in shreds. My partner suggested that his son asks mum but son said mum has no money as usual. I wonder if it's time to be more honest with the kids they are 11 and 13 and explain that we cannot afford it and that mum gets child benefit as well as maintenance. We have never run down their mum but she is constantly running us down to the kids and making life hard, i feel we need to act but at the same time we hate to see the kids looking so neglected. The CSA dont care as it's all based on the amount of nights the kids spend with us, not the fact the money is not being spent on the them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Uncle PhilThanks for your reply. I do know this is a common problem a lot of fathers go through, but there must be a way round without making the kids feel bad. I do think they are old enough to be told a few facts, i.e. that Mum also gets Family Allowance which should cover things like school uniforms. It's not just the money I just feel that the kids are being taught not to have any respect for Dad and get what they can out of him when they are with us. My partner left a huge percentage of the equity in the former house for his ex as she had the kids, he came out with very little, just enough to start again. I really do feel that the bloody CSA penalise good fathers, it makes me sick. My attitiute towards my ex husband with my Daughter is totally different, he pays regularly, we have not had to go to CSA as there have not been any problems, however I only asked for things such as help towards school trips and going half on larger Xmas present such as a Lap Top etc. My partner had a voluntary arrangement with his ex and always paid for his children, she went to the CSA out of spite. I think you are right in what you say, we need to stand back a bit and deal with each situation as it crops up. My partners son really wants to go on a school holiday next year, my partner offered to pay half if mum did, son then said but mum does not have any money. This is such as shame as I feel he will miss out as all his year usually go on this trip. They really are lovely kids, I love them both to bits but I can see them being spoiled by this whole situation and it spoiling the relationship between them and their Dad as he is getting resentful about the situation. Anymore thoughts would be most welcome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): I feel your frustration because I was once in the same position as your partner re. the Bank of Dad. It was before the CSA came into being and although I made weekly payments directly to her, the amount of 'extras' was regulated by me. She was working too so I didn't see why I should fork out twice over - ie. the child maintenance plus the extras unless she was willing to fork out a proportionate amount of her disposable income.Perhaps it's time to cut out a few of the extras. The kids won't die if they've got holes in the knees of their trousers, and when they come round begging perhaps decline now and then, telling them their mother has already got the money for whatever it is they're asking for and to go and ask her. It's a fact that the more you give the more they'll want and the more they'll expect. There has to be a limit somewhere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUncle Phil
Thanks for you answer, unfortunately the dear old CSA do not make allowances for any extra money spent and so not deduct this of the regular payments, I have asked a csa expert so as far as that goes we are stuffed.All they take into account is the number of nights spent with none resident parents, not how much daytime care we provide during hols etc.
For 6 years I have kept a diginified silence and have never said a word against the kids Mum neither has my partner, they have to put up with that enough in their own house. We just want them to be able to spend time with us and not be made to feel in the middle and we go out of our way to ensure this does not happen. But this situation is now getting out of hand. The strange thing is the kids mum is never in and pleads poverty but they always stick up for her, this hurts my partner as he does so much for them. Basically the ex has brain washed the kids to believe that he in the Bank of Dad. I know there is no easy answer and is ex knows that if she leaves the kids looking scruffy for long enough we will but what they need. I do not understand as I have been a single parent twice and my kids always came first, I held down two jobs at one time, one in a club until 2 in the morning after finishing all day in an office. I would go without to ensure my kids looked well turned out. So I am finding this very difficult.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): It sounds to me like his ex is using the kids as ammunition against him to a certain extent. The youngest is perhaps a little too you to understand, but I think the 13 year old could be told a few facts. Documentary evidence of what money is being paid could perhaps be shown to the eldest to back up what you're saying.
It's very difficult not to point out to the kids that their mother is being a selfish so-and-so, but I'd recommend keeping quiet about it as lond as possible. Trust me, in time the kids will make up their own minds about what's what. Please don't make the kids feel like they're piggies in the middle if you can possibly avoid it or you'll be seen to be as bad as, if not worse than, their mother.
One way round this might be to sort the kids clothing out and where necessary deduct the amount spent on their essentials - note the word essentials - from either the maintenance (or the CSA if possible) - and keep the receipts to show her. After all, child support isn't supposed to be spent on holidays for the children's mother!
It's a bastard of a situation I know, but in time you'll be the ones that the kids appreciate and look up to. As far as the running down is concerned, don't be tempted to sink to her level and call her a selfish bitch or whatever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): If you do explain anything to the kids about money try not to get them involved in a two way slagging match.
Unfortunately the law is geared towards protecting mothers and has very little consideration for fathers. If your husband was to stop paying he'd be in big trouble but it really doesn't matter what she spends that money on. The problem is you can't deduct money from those payments to buy the kids clothes because it's seen as just a responsibility on the fathers half.
Be careful here if you do talk them about this the last thing you want to do is to be seen to be trying to turn them against their mother, they most likely can see this for themselves and actions speak louder than words, when she says she has money they can see that she obviously had money enough to go party. When they ask you for money they can also see that you did buy them shoes and clothes when you can.
If you must explain it to them then explain how maintenance works and let them see that their mother actually does have enough money to clothe them, they will figure out or ask her themsleves why she doesn't use that money on them.
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