A
female
age
30-35,
*nigirimelon
writes:Well, I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months, which have been great, for the most part. He's an amazing man, he treats me well, he's very romantic, he really is just, perfect, and he treats me as though I am the most important girl in the world to him. He tells me he loves me, tells me he wants a family with me, and says he would like to marry me someday.But then, he says he isn't sure if he really loves me, or if he really wants to stay with me. Not on a regular basis, there were really only two big times it happened. You see, our relationship moved kind of fast, he bought me a ring, wanted me to marry him, and then on Easter, he decided he didn't want to get married anymore, which I respect.The main thing is though, I love him, very much, and I know he cares for me, but he really doesn't love me, even though he's always saying he does. I know this, because, after the two times he said he wasn't sure, I asked him later, and he said those were his true feelings, and still says they are. Which means he actually doesn't love me. I guess, I really don't know what I should do, he says he'll love me someday, he says he still wants to marry me, someday. And for the most part, we're still in a very good relationship. But, I'm an overly curious person, so there are times when I'll ask things that I know I may not want to hear the answer too, and when I ask him about love, the answer is always what I feared, and, I don't know if I can handle it anymore.I love him, he's wonderful, but the fact he acts so lovingly, says he loves me, and then admits he isn't sure, it just.. hurts. More than I can even describe. I told him I'd wait for him, wait until he really does love me, but now I'm not so sure I can. I just wanted to know what you thought I should do.Before you start answering though, yes, he has loved before, he was engaged to someone before, but she cheated on him multiple times, and he left her, he hates her now, but he says there were no doubts in his mind at all that he loved her at the time.Which also makes me wonder, because him and her were together for a shorter time than I and him have been together, and yet, in that short amount of time, he was completely positive he loved her, while he still doubts if he loves me. Which, confuses me even more, because when I ask about things relating to me and her, he always says things I do are much better then what she had done, because, for the most part, she really wasn't very nice to him. And yet, at times when I think about what his feelings for her had been, and what they are for me now, I can't help but feel inferior to a woman who lied, cheated, placed him far into debt, lied about being pregnant, and practically made him flunk out of college, things which I, and (hopefully) most people would never do in a relationship. Yet, he loved that? He loved a woman who did all of that to him? And questions his love for me? I cook for him, I take care of him when he's sick, I help him budget, I help him with his homework, and go out of my way just to do things to brighten up his day. But I'm still apparently not as good as she was.Now, before you start saying things about how maybe he's not over her, he is. For a fact. That's one of the few things I don't question about our relationship.But anyways, what is your input on all of this? I love him, and I do want to stay with him, but all of this has really affected me, and I don't know if I can continue this for much longer. So please just let me know what you think I should do.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 I think he is over this other woman. Just to take that off the table. But you know what? Your man sounds like my ex-fiancee. He proposed after only 4 months together and was SO sure he loved me and wanted me for the rest of his life. He got the diamnod and all.
But.. we lived with his mother at that time and he didn't even tell her about our engagement. Whereas I ran around and was extremely happy (he was my first love I was head over heels), he kept it all to himself and barely even told his best friend.
And then, about 7 or so months later, he broke it off with me and just like your man, he didn't know if he loved me after all. Didn't know if he wanted to marry me, didn't know what he felt. Then not long after he'd come crawling back, saying he did love me, bought me roses, declared his love for me, even cried. So I took him back.
And then he got insecure again. And dumped me, and wanted to come back again, got insecure again. You get my point. It was a year of misery and pain so deep it's hard to describe. Because like you I was committed, but it appeared I was the only one who was committed.
Why do men do this? Who knows. But my suggestion so far after years of wondering is that they are immature and don't know themselves enough yet. They really don't know what they want. And rushing into things they will just as easily rush out of things. Easy come easy go as they say. You got engaged very fast, and although that works for some, the majority of us I think need a lot more time than that.
My next bf, also my ex now, did something of a similar nature. After a year of telling me he loved me, one day he got insecure and didn't know if he loved me after all, or if he ever had. It's such a deep pain when you hear something like that. Needless to say I left him.
And I advice you to leave as well. I don't wish upon anyone to go through what I went through, and every day you spend with this man you will hurt. And it wont go away. Leave him. And if you want to you can say to him that when he does figure out his feelings, maybe you can try again. But be aware that once he realizes he will loose you he might do what my ex did (roses and all), but DO NOT take him back. Your guy needs at least 6 months on his own before you should trust his feelings towards you.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 Maybe , you should give him more time to grow up and be more matured. Give him a time frame and if he still behaves like a kid, you should let him go.
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