A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi agony auntsok ive been with my partner a few months and it got a bit complicated with things going on on both sides..but in the end we really do love each other..just i sometimes have a hard time explaining things or how im feeling i want him to understand..i do love him but i have a fear of this going wrong and i know if i keep thinking that it may happen, he tells me he loves me all the time but i just it feels enough but its like i want more not proof but just something..something not to have this feeling anymore..im not saying shout his undying love to everyone but i dunno, i feel like i do lots of special things for him to try and show him how much i care and love him and it feels like im only getting his words he does actions too but i dont think its the same velocity..does anyone have a clue as to my problem..i go round in circle thinking about things i feel no better off for it either..i just want to be happy and guess be nieve, yes my past haunts me a little but its like 4 times bitten a hundred times shy who isnt these days..thanks in advance xxanonxx
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 Hi, Yos is right here, you know. These feelings of anxiety and neediness within the relationship are coming from inside you. Perhaps things happened in the past that now makes you wary and distrustful of your new man, but it's not fair to lay the blame for those things on him. He cannot make up for the things that have been done to you in the past. You need to come to terms with them yourself.
I also think that you are being a bit unrealistic in thinking that he's going to be able to meet your expections of how he should be showing his devotion to you. I think that you might be a bit hypersensitive to this, and so you're paying so much attention to this that it's causing you to worry about this. I think if you were able to relax a bit, and ease off on the demonstrations of love, give him time to miss you a little bit, he'll be more likely to move towards you.
I think a lot of us have internal monologues, you know, words that are running through our heads, interpreting every little glance, and gesture, and word, instead of just being present in the moment and just letting him be himself. Be receptive to the ways he DOES show you his love and care; you spoil it by resenting that it's not enough due to that internal monologue.
This is crucial to good communication too, with him. If you can manage to really listen to him, and understand his point of view, rather than placing yours on him and being disappointed when he doesn't come through for you. Just listen, really hear him when he talks about something or if you're having a conflict, then repeat what you think he said back to him, to make sure you understood his points. This is just good listening practice.
So my advice to you is to catch yourself when you are assuming things, make sure you listen well, relax and let him approach you in his own time and speed, and try to stop the internal monologue that is interrupting good communication.
Hope this helps, and best wishes!
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 "...its like i want more not proof but just something..something not to have this feeling anymore"
That feeling is within you, it's nothing to do with him I'm afraid. If you make it his issue to deal with then you'll eventually drive him away because he'll be frustrated that he can't make you happy. You need to search within yourself and find the root of your neediness and feelings of un-fulfillment. It's unfair and misguided to expect a relationship to solve this for you, you have to do it for yourself.
It's the old cliche: you can't be happy with someone until you can be happy by yourself.
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A
female
reader, Auntiee Amsiee +, writes (31 July 2008):
 i'm sure he loves you genuinely some people show love in diffrent ways does it matter how he shows his love if its true and real? to wish to be blissfully naive in love is something that does more damage than good in some cases. love is two way if you don't feel it as much as you should then talk to him and wonder if this guy is your mr.right if your not happy and keep questioning how you feel you yourself don't seem to be entirely certain on how you feel i wish i could be more of a help but this is a problem only you can solve with effort i am leaving my past behind me but if it was so bad why let it define our lives hasent it done enough? you deserve better than what you recived so sweetie go get it ! (:
x
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