A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What does it mean when an ex tells you "I like you as a friend, a sister and the only college friend I still have around" and then has sex with you? I'm not seeing this person any more. he treated me like crap. He offended me in front of his new fling to then call me two weeks later for sex. I kicked him to the curb, he sporadically called my cell and stood quiet,other calls where late at night, and some came in as anonymous. Lately he is calling because he wants to know how his child is doing after beeing absent for over six months. What do you guys think of this? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): Yes, you have been through a lot and I hope you felt supported here and I wish you the best of luck. Give us an update later on and let us know how you are. All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): Hi Poster, well it is always good to have a plan and you sound like you will have lots of options.
One warning, I would hold off a little deciding to move to another state. You are still upset and now is not the time to be making major life affecting decisions like moving to a new area where you don't know any one and have to take on the adjustment of learning a new town.
Often your inner turmoil just goes with you so you can't run away from your life or your problems.
Not saying in the future if a major move would be in your best interest, I am just suggesting that maybe right now is not the time to do it.
All the Best
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionListen satin, I didn't even bother to continue to read your post. As you posted, you are just volunteering your opinion so don't take my situation to heart. I have other things to worry about rather than reading your complaints in a message board.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionapart from my college degree, i got certified as an HIV testing counselor, so i might change jobs and find another apartment on another state. I just need to get out of this vicious circle.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionall i know that this life style is ruining my life and has no future for my son. I want a change, and I've been planning it because I can't go on like this any longer. I don't know my limits and how much I can tolerate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsatin I pray you never see yourself in my shoes. Or maybe you should.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): I am very sorry for the loss of your father especially like that and especially on father's day. There is really a lot going on here for you.
It seems like you feel pretty beaten down and depressed as well, you mention being pushed to take your own life?
You know there is no reason to tolerate feeling so down like this all of the time. I think you are also suffering from some pretty severe depression which is the result of these losses and stress in your life and I think you owe it to yourself and your child to get some help for this.
I am not a doctor, buy I have suffered depression in my life. My doctor explained to me that when under constant stress from a major event in your life your body produces a hormone called cortisol which actually lowers the chemical responsible for pain management and anxiety in the brain, which is seratonin. Because of the cortisol production, your brain cannot produce seratonin fast enough to counteract it and you get anxious, have sleep disturbances and feel pretty achey and beaten down and tired and yes depressed if you are prone to that.
Depression is really your anger turned inward on yourself. You mentioned apologizing to your son for making bad choices. This isn't your fault what your child's dad is doing, it isn't your fault that he is treating you in this way, it is his, so I am glad to see at least that some of your anger is directed at him, but you still have some work to do on getting rid of that, but if you are depressed you can't do that work, you can't will your way out of this. You need help.
So if you are not on antideppresants already, I would make an appointment with your medical doctor and tell him specifically how you are feeling and for how long it has been going on and they may want to prescribe you something to get you over this hump. Otherwise, things are going to get worse for you instead of better, I fear.
It is a sign of inner strength to ask for help when you need it and writing here is just your first step...we can't give you all of the help you actually need, but you are showing some real inner courage reaching out here so I think you will get a handle on this and you will feel better in no time if you take some steps to help yourself.
It may seem trite, but when ever you are flying on an airplane and they talk about the oxygen masks, when traveling with little ones they always instruct you to first put the mask on you and then your child because you have to take care of you first so you can take care of them.
Hang in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you older sister, for once in my damned life do i see that someone seems to trully know what I am going through. And yes, i am mad, i am furious, i am fed up about to throw my hands up and give up. But I can't. I have a child that needs me. IT HURTS, it hurts to look in his eyes and think damn it baby I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for making bad choices, he was rejected, it hurts me, he does not understand anything now but I am afraid of what he might feel in the long run, Why did he walk out like that? Why is he a son once in a while. Why is he absent all the time? I am trying to move on. If that man didn't want anything to do with me, then fine. But my child deserved special treatment. Not what he is getting now. Just because he's still little and will not remember that his father was not part of his early years. Why would he mistreat me, push me to taking my own life away, laugh at my face while he hears me beg, plead, cry for him not to take my child away like he told me. Please don't hate me, I'm the mother of your child, at least i deserve some respect and consideration. Instead he used me, and took advantage of my repenting if i ever did anything wrong, i took the blame he threw at me for not allowing him to be a father, but i tried. It's fathers day and I don't have mines he died in a sudden car accident. all of a sudden he was here and gone a minute later. and i miss him like hell. i just can't imagine what my son might go through.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): Ok, I can see you are really angry here and frustrated and feeling very sorry for yourself.
First off no one is trying to judge you here, but you asked for help, you asked what we thought and the only thing you wrote about were his words and how he felt about you and how he embarassed you in front of a "fling", which means just by calling it a fling you still harbour some romantic feelings for this guy or feel like a lover scorned, which is entirely understandable as you were once in love with him....so not judging, just pointing out the facts. And you said he had sex with you, you were not clear it was a long time ago, but indicated it was happening now per your posted issue.
You do seem to be resentful of him. You pick apart the things he says, the things he does and the things he doesn't do. And again, I am not telling you are wrong to have these feelings, he sounds like a pretty self centered jerk and you are fed up, I get that.
But what I do want to tell you is that you cannot change him with your resentful feelings. I can tell the resentment is damaging you, which it always does. You really need to let that go for the sake of your child and for your sake. You have to forgive him because he doesn't know any better, that is just who he is, he is doing the best he is capable of whether it falls short of your expectations or not. Does not mean you have to forget what he did though....just forgive for yourself and let that anger and resentment go. Because you know what it isn't hurting him for you to resent him, it is only hurting you and you don't see it....you are angry at the world and feeling sorry for yourself.
Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Get some professional help if you need it. And try not to cry in front of your kid, go to the bathroom or something, but don't hold it in, just try to do it away from him if you can, and I know you are mad.
But your comment that mother's are considered evil in this system and in our society is false. Actually, if given custodial care of the child, they pretty much call the shots over the kid regardless of what the courts say as I have been through that with my ex (dated for two years) and his now five year old daughter...his child's mom won't let him see her whenever she feels like it and doesn't follow the court ordered parenting plan and won't even let him see her on the Holidays when he is supposed to and she loves dropping that one on him at the last minute and ruining his holidays...so she holds a lot of resentment towards him as well.....which really hurts her kid a lot.
We all just wish that she wanted to play fair, but she is more into holdingn onto her anger and control and power than she is about her child. She tries to alienate her affections from her Dad and this is one of the worst forms of child abuse that there is. Kids love both of their parents and you don't want to damage that love or that bond because it psychologically, emotionally damages the child, deep deep wounds that never go away.
You may fear that your ex will damage your kid, but if he comes around at all that is better than nothing unless he is mean to the kid and it doesn't sound like he is, he is just a pain in the ass for you. Some flexibility and maturity is called for on your part to deal with asshole, like I said you can't change any one, you can only change yourself.
I would start with working on getting rid of your resentment, and that one's for YOU
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, let me make it clear that the last time i had sex with this guy was on december 2008 and that's when I called it quits. He had the nerve to ask for sex but i denied it. I despise this man. However he continues to call and bother me ON DAYS THAT ARE NOT PART OF HIS VISITATION. The other day he got mad and spoke to my parents in a remorseful way to why I hanged up the phone when he calls. It was my days!! Which he has no need to show up, not even in phone calls. When he walks out of my child, my child cries, the child is already five. He HIMSELF is creating an unstable life for my child. Last night as he watched tv he blurted "I wish i have a dad". When I was trying to work things out, during our court days, I tried to encorporate him in his child's life. One day I bought a book titled "I love my father" I gave it my child so he can give it to his father as a gift. Guess what he did with it? PAID NO ATTENTION AND LEFT IT IN MY HOUSE. Didn't even read it with his child or show any type of gratitude. I didn't know what to say. When I told the judge in a hearing that he does not pick up his child, they told me that he couldn't be forced to do so. So you know what? I am really f*ucked! and there's no way out. That's the problem in this fuc*ked up society. In cases like mines, mothers are seen as the "bad person" but does not see how some fathers use the system to manipulate or control the situation. Now that's really fuck*ed up. Who suffers here? The child of course. Do you have any idea of how many times my son has seen me cry in desperation? Even if I try to hold it so he wont see me, he still asks me "mom are you sad". It's difficult, being a single mother and trampled by uncaring beast is the worst thing a woman can ever go through. IT'S HELL. And NO ONE can comment on this UNLESS YOU EVER GO THROUGH what I'm going through.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): The only indication that things are not what he says is that he's still having sex with you.
That would mean something if men weren't able to separate sex & love so well. But they can, and it doesn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): Ok, I understand. But really it is your responsibility to set personal boundaries with him. Stop having sex with him, you are in control of that, not him, so don't go there, it is just denial on your part.
Hopefully, you two can create a relationship where the only contact you have will concern your child together as it is important for the child to love both his/her parents.
If he is going to be an uninvolved parent, I hope that you will never speak negatively about him to the child as this affects the child in a negative way, because the father is 50% of the child's DNA, so speaking badly about their father affects their view of themselves at their very core.
But if he is making you mad about the reasons for his visitation, just tell him yeah right, get a grip, I don't intend to be your sex object and just move on.
You still seem to be emotionally binded to this man, so my hope for you is to create some distance from him and the situation and put your child first and maintain your dignity by not letting him push any of your buttons. I know it is hard, but with patience and persistance I am sure you can find a way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionrhythm i am the mother of his child, we were married but divorced, he pays child support, he has visitation rights but guess what? He does no use of his visitation order and holds a grudge on me for having him pay child support. I know he did not use me for sex because many times he begged me to see him. Many times he went through jelous rages. Especially when he knew i was already seeing someone who is no longer with me. Who let him have sex with me? HIMSELF. because i did not put a gun to his head obligating him to come to my house. I guess that's self explanatory. Unfortunately I can't kick him to the curve because he is my child's father. But if you read my message correctly, I WANT HIM TO STOP INSINUATING HIMSELF TOWARDS ME. I want him to stop looking for me when I don't want him emotionally connected to me. I hope this clarifies my question. Many times he told me that he is looking for visitation orders with the intention to have me around. HE SAID IT. That's why i get mad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): Are you referring to yourself as his "child" similar to your references of being called a "sister" and "friend" or does he have a child with you?
Anyway..
Maybe he'd have sex with his sister! Yuk.
I think prehaps he tried to convince himself for a while that he could jsut have you as a friend. He loved your company and maybe even felt some sort of pprotection over you (although you say he treated you like crap so this is doubtful), but he soon realized he was lyeing to himself.
You know, I had a friend once, and he said he loved me like a sister. Everytime we got off the phone he would say "i love you" and he was very protective of me. Then one day, he decided he was IN love with me instead and started trying to make out wiht me! He did this a few times and i continued our friendship and forgave his rude comeons. Then i met a guy, and while he was away at basic training, he asked if he could finger me while my man was gone. He said it was just as a brother, helping his sister out when she was sexually deprived.
Well, that was the end of him. I don't have friends who disrepsect my husband. It's unacceptable.
Honestly, I don't know why soem guys do this. Maybe they like the idea of having a "sister" but in reality, it's just an idea.
Sorry to not help. I guess I just ranted...
Well take care.
~SY.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 June 2009):
 I think you have to tell him to get a grip of himself, or you will make sure he does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): I am not sure what is going on, you are the mother of his child and were never married to him and he hasn't been around the child for 6 months? Is he paying child support? Does he have custody and visitation rights?
What does it mean when he says he likes you as a friend and a sister? It means what he just said. You let him have sex with you? It means he just used you for sex and has no intention or desire to be more to you.
How can you kick him to the curb if he is your child's father?
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