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female
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*orraine31
writes: hello, i'm 31. have been with my guy for over 7 years. he is an apprentice solicitor about to qualify in december. for all these years i was the one to pay for the holidays of which there were many including 3 trips to the states.his money has gone up substantially over the past two years as an apprentice, however he always tells me he has no money. i have found out over the last few months that he is buying collectors items mainly army uniforms over the internet. these cost thousands. he never buys me anything unless birthday or christmas.he has promised an engagement ring for past three years and iwas told this is not going to happen for at least another year. he lives at home with his dad. mam died so i have no one to talk to.his dad is just the same and very stand offish. im so alone.sex has been non exsistant for over a year.i know i should leave him but need courage. in other ways he is good sometimes but i do feel so alone.help
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): I think you need to tell him about your feelings, if it could be solved then I think you should try.
I can sympathise with you a little my hubby collects german ww2 Guns, and other bits like medals, hats, uniforms too.
And it is a bit annoying that he spends his money on these things esspeciaclly when we need to buy important things.
luckily it has only happend this way once and after seeing how angry I was he hasnt done it since!. but then you and your boyfriend dont have any children and your not married or have a mortgage.
So technically he is entitled to do what he likes with he's money. but I agree with you he is very tight!! and he doesnt seem willing to spoil you a little or even just pay his way!. I think once you have spoken to him about this, if he isnt willing to change then you are going to have to leave, some men jsut arent "relationship material".
Ok hope I have helped a little.
xx
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (27 October 2006):
 I think this guy is taking advantage of your generous spirit. It is ok to carry each other through hard times but if he keeps promising things and then backing out (like the engagement ring) it sounds like he is stringing you along for your cheque book. He probably senses your loneliness and exploits it...lets face it, he will make an excellent solicitor! You really should leave him. Regardless of whether he is a shopping addict or not, it all comes down to self respect at the end of the day. You will be financially better off without him and it doesnt sound like you will be missing out on much emotionally either.
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (27 October 2006):
 Hi Lorraine,
It sounds like your guy has an addiction to shopping. I suggest he see a counselor because this is a real problem. And because he's lying to you about it and taking advantage of you, I think you have two options: leaving him for lying for so many years, or going to couples counseling.
If you choose to leave him, you could find someone else who values you more than army uniforms. For him to spend thousands on those and not get the engagement ring he's promised you for years really says a lot about his priorities. Also having you shell out all of the money for vacations when he could have helped is awful! And the fact that he still lives at home with his father is pretty sad -- has he even talked about getting a place with you? Surely he would be able to forego getting something else from eBay and start focusing on his future with you. He comes off as being extremely self-centered and uncaring towards you; however, like I said it might be that he has an addiction and therapy for this would really help him overcome his addiction.
If you go to couples counseling (which would be different than his shopping addiction counseling), the two of you may be able to work out the years of him being dishonest about things, how your love life is suffering, if he really is commited to you (since he won't even save money for the ring), and any other problems you two might have in the relationship. If you two are both willing to put your all into the relationship, you will probably be able to get through this. It will take a lot of hard work and dedication, but that's what all relationships need, right?
Have you tried having a conversation with your guy about this to let him know how this has made you feel? I usually tell people to write down what they want to say before they confront the other person. Doing this will help you organize your thoughts so you don't go all over the map with things. It will help you stay focused and on point which allows for easier communication when all sorts of thoughts will be scrambling through your head from being so emotional.
Lorraine, you are the only one who knows what's truly best for you. Think about it, go over your options, and do what you need to do.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (27 October 2006):
 Sit him down and tell him how you feel. if he has no remorse maybe it will be time to give each other a little break so that he can sort himself out, seven years is too much to just throw away but at the same time u cant marry a man u cant trust.Already u are not happy with him that should be the courage u need.
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