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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello, i'm writing a long long message, but plz do take some time out and read it.I, especially need to know guys' response to it.i'm really confused and in need of some suggestions.I'm 23,married for almost a year. My husband is 31 yrs old. we belong to a society where its not very common to discuss sex before marriage. Also it was sort of an arranged marriage. we were introduced by families and the final decision was left to us. After marriage there was a strange tension in his behavior from the first night onwards. I asked him if everything was ok, since he did not approach for a week. I didn’t want to push too hard and I didn’t, thinking that it might scare him. There are two problems. The first is that he does have a proper erection in the morning, but he just loses it before penetration. I don't understand why this is so. But I've tried to develop frankness and intimacy and helped him masturbate, which he enjoys but the real sex just doesn’t happen. Its been a year now. I have tried discussing it, tried different things. he just cant maintain it. what cud be wrong? I'm willing to try everything to make this relationship work, but its been a year and I cant take it anymore. this is frustrating, he masturbates everyday and falls asleep. I lie awake whole night weeping. he went to his doc who advised Viagra, which he doesn’t mind telling me that he is taking it, but just wont show me. Is it true that when u purchase Viagra pills, they give it to you only in tablet form, i mean without the cover, without the box? The other problem that he is very close to a male friend of his. He talks to him in the bathroom, talks to him in dark rooms when I’m in other rooms. calls him up 2 to 3 times a day, asks what he has eaten...what he has done in the office, Just Everything. In the start, i noticed he would have a voice chat with him if i was out of the room, but the moment I entered he would start typing. it continued for a month, everyday. Seemed very odd to me. He would talk to him while I was asleep. He would keep me busy by telling me he had some research to do but actually, he wud just chat to that guy. plz guys, if I’m wrong tell me, is it abnormal for guys to call each other with girlish nicknames all the time. He just seems so happy with him, he plans things with him. Is it normal to Beg ur friend to come over and make plans of travelling with him to Scotland and Switzerland in ur 2nd and 3rd month of marriage, without ever doing so with ur wife? why? I have lived with him for a whole year trying everything i can to make it work. i am still a virgin after being married for a year...isnt he supposed to be worying about that? does it only seem strange to me...or is it really strange? he accuses me of not trusting him, I really dont anymore...but I try to explain to him that i have no problem with his friendship, just with the way he deals with it, just the way he handles it. He does agree and promises to make amendments, but these generally dont last for more than two days. I live in Europe with him, far away from my family. but its just driving me mad. he is happy with the relationship, says wants to make it work...plz suggest me what to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2006): Hi i don't know the procedure in europe, but in australia we never dispense medication as just a tablet as it needs to be labled with directions and the persons name. I don't believe that they would just sell Viagra as just a tablet, even if they had to break a box (Viagra usually comes in a box of 2 tablets but sometimes drs only prescribe 1 tablet at a time, so we open a box and take just one tablet out) we put the tablet in a box with clear labeling. If you went into any local pharmacy/chemist you could speak to the pharmacist without embarrasment and they could tell you how they are packaged and dispensed. I agree with the others i think that your husband could possibly be gay and using your marriage to cover it up. I think you need to make him understand that he can talk to you and tell you whats going on and work to make changes in your marriage or you will be forced to leave him. That may make him realise that you are serious. Goodluck
A
female
reader, blackcoffee +, writes (1 November 2006):
I think you know the answer and you just want it in print. He is Gay! I had a boyfriend for a year. Had sex Three times (all 2 minutes of it). He had his best friend. They would always meet at my house coz they claimed their parents did not approve of their friendship. Even when i was at work,one or the other would come and get my house keys. It felt like a threesome coz i was hardly alone with my man. Even movies and dinners! The day I found my new jar of vaseline open and used in the bathroom I saw the light. I left him. They are still friends and he claims I was the last female he slept with. Thats 4 years back. 1+1=2 always.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006): You both need to talk openly and honestly with each other. Because from what you are saying in this posting, I have this feeling you may be hinting that he may possibly be gay? Am I correct? A lot of what you say, is unusual when two men are just friends. Your husband's suspicious behaviours are very much how a man would behave, if he has another love interest on the side. Have you ever met this friend? Have you ever seen them together and watched how they respond to each other?
If he is gay, he probably may be very scared to admit to it. Embarrassment, guilt, fear of reprucussions (family/friends) as well as fears of a ruined marriage, is likely weighing heavily on his mind. He also may be worrying about causing you pain and hurt.
But one thing---you really have to be cautious here. All these little clues you have discovered about him and his friend could be wrong, as well. Some men do have genuine good, friendships. Lack of sexual desire can result from stress, depression, low libido and a whole host of other problems. His behaviours with this other man could point to an interest in homosexuality, but one does not want to stereotype certain behaviors as being exclusively gay.
You both need to sit down and talk. Tell him from your heart, how his behaviours bother you. But all in all, it appears your own happiness here is at great risk. You do owe it to yourself to find out what is really going on, dear. All your doubts need to be addressed and your husband is the only person who can give you answers. Be strong and insist that he be brutally honest and upfront with you. I wish you the best of luck, hun. Hang in there.
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A
male
reader, geqo  +, writes (1 November 2006):
 Firstly, could you be more specific as to what this society is? Does this society include an aversion to homosexuality? It could be that your husband is gay / bi, but has been unable to tell anyone due to this "society."You say that the final decision was left to you. How much of a decision was it? Were you given complete freedom to choose, or were you both pressured into the marriage? It sounds to me like he didn't really want to get married, and in fact he is in love with this "friend" of his. Marrying you was just a good way to relieve the pressure. Confront him with your suspicions (and even if you don't share my suspicions, perhaps mention them). Unfortunately I don't know the procedure for prescribing viagra, but what you've described sounds sketchy to me.He seems to be trying very hard to shut you out of his life, and to continue his life with this "friend." It is unfair of him to make you suffer for his needs, and you should make him aware of this!
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