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male
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anonymous
writes: All,I have been dating a girl for a little over a year now and she continues to talk to her ex. She says that he calls her about once a month just to say hi and see how things are going.These are some of the facts about this guy while they were dating :1) Cokehead2) Can't hold onto a job and had to file bankruptcy3) Lived with her for a year w/o a job and she supported him4) Got mad at her once and put the car in reverse and knocked her over to the pavement with the car door.She says I am insecure in that I don't want her talking to him but I say that I am just worried about her well being and he isn't a good person.Advice?ThxConfused in FL
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (5 June 2006):
 Anon, you're right about the insecurity issue, but in defense of all of the agony aunts responding your initial post did not make it clear that the ex had these kinds of behavioural problems. We can't read minds.
If your girlfriend is not acting upon what seems to be a consensus of opinion, you need to call her on it. If she can't make the tough decisions, then tell her that you (along with her friends) question her judgement. If she asks for support in cutting off ties with her ex, then it becomes your choice as to whether or not you want to help.
I am not going to sugar-coat the truth here. It is a messy situation that could get worse before it gets better, and it will take courage and perseverance from all involved to get this guy out of your life. That is, if you choose to continue the relationship.
Good luck with the choices that lay ahead of you.
A
female
reader, matron +, writes (5 June 2006):
 Hi, Atleast she tells you he has called her so she's not trying to hide anything. If you really would prefer your g/f not to keep in contact with him then you must tell her and if its because of jealousy then tell her that to, i'm sure she'll respect you for your honesty and will then do something about the situation to reassure you that she's just being a friend to her ex x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, he has called to chat with her 3 times in the last 2 weeks.
And he never calls her on the cell or at her house but instead at her work.
Thoughts?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, it is too late to go the authorities about the car incident since it happened last summer.
Mind you, I am not the other one telling her she should cut off her ties with him. All her girlfriends are telling her the same thing. Does that make them insecure as well?
My feeling is once someone has done physical harm to someone, one should move on and never talk to that person again. To me, violence is unacceptable. I guess some people think differently then me and I would love to hear their reasoning.
Thx
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (5 June 2006):
Thanks for the update - these are important details that needed to be presented.
If you suspect that her ex is engaging in this violent behaviour then both of you need to talk to the police to see what you can do. You and your girlfriend are not doing anybody any favours by letting these incidents go unreported.
If she refuses to go with you to police, then you are right to question her judgement. If she wants to continue as if nothing happened or will happen, you have to look out for yourself because she certainly isn't looking out for you.
Someone is going to get physically hurt if you don't go to the authorities immediately.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add that she is friend with one of her other ex's and I dont have a problem with it. He is a truly a good guy and we have all hung out together so I dont think it is a trust or insecurity issue (otherwise why would I be alright with one of her ex's but not the other?)
I think there is a problem with a girl that continues to talk to someone that has caused physical harm to her. There is NO excuse to ever use a car as a weapon on someone you "care" about, is there?
I am just scared that if she continues to talk to this guy and we become more and more serious, he might snap and come back and do something. I think the sooner she stops talking to him, the sooner he moves on and forgets about her.
A few weeks ago my mailbox at my house got smashed. Five days later he called her and talked to her and he asked if she loved me and she said yes. That night her mailbox got smashed. Coincidence? Maybe but it sure sounds strange, doesnt it?
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (5 June 2006):
You have this fear that your gal could run back to her ex. Like matron has already said, you don't trust your girlfriend. This is YOUR issue to resolve, not hers. You are projecting your insecurities onto her, and if you don't stop this behaviour, you will fulfill your prophecy and drive her back to her ex.
When I start out in a relationship - romantic or not - there is a period of insecurity as I get to know that person. During this period I do all sorts of bizarre things. Last year I met someone at school and we made an instant connection which quickly turned into a friendship. She is several years my junior and I started to become very fatherly and worried about her heading home from the campus alone after dark, handling the men that she dated, driving in bad weather - you get the picture. She would rightly mock my worry, and to her credit she tolerated it until I trusted in her judgement. She had conducted her life responsibly before I came on the scene and she is doing the same these days as well. The only change came in my attitude towards her.
It took my wife and me several years to reach a healthy level of mutual trust. Since we've gotten to that level, we know that no one can touch our relationship. Will we fall down one day? While we cannot control future events we can certainly control our responses to these events. It is these responses that determine the fate of our relationship.
Your responses to your girlfriend's contact with her ex will determine the fate your relationship. It is time for you to realize that you choose these responses - don't blame your girlfriend for them. Good luck with your relationship and take care.
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A
female
reader, matron +, writes (3 June 2006):
Hi, you did say that in your original advice request, therefore the advice i gave remains the same. Stop worrying about it and enjoy your relationship x
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A
female
reader, matron +, writes (2 June 2006):
Hi, i understand why you may be worried about your g/f's well being but she too knows what he was like hence she's with you not him!! lots of people stay friends with their ex's as not everyone holds grudges, some people when they get out of a situation are able to remember the good times and put the bad times behind them which helps them to move on. Your g/f is obviously a very caring person, her ex had a lot of problems and she knew that, he also hurt her but she has forgiven him but not forgotten that hurt, that's why i doubt she would ever go back, but that doesn't stop her caring about the nice side of him, he obviously has a good side because thats who she fell for.
Learn to trust your g/f and respect the choices she makes, i doubt she chooses your friends or tells you who you can or cant speak to. Enjoy your relationship and be happy x
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll,
I meant to say "She talks to her ex"
Thx
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