A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for about 7 months, and we're perfect for each other. I've been in a few long term relationships and I realize now that this kind of guy is what I want. He is majorly considerate and affectionate and happy and successful and is going to be a great father. Mr. Right basically... the problem is, we started out as friends and we talked about our ex's. He went through a lot of drama (more than usual... police and therapy kind of drama) with one of them and then a lot more emotional abuse from his last ex. She moved across the US and they broke up, she would tell him about all of her sexual adventures with all these guys. He tortured himself with jealousy over it and now has this sick obsession with her sexually. They were on and off and broke up for good about 3 months before we met. We've talked about it a few times and he's getting better, but he talks to her still and will occasionally have a moment of weakness and think about her or look at her photos. He says the sex with her was bad, and that it's all in his mind, and he feels awful about it because it hurts him to think of it. He still has some of her stuff and she still tries to get him back by telling him of the guys she's dating now (not sexual anymore). He thought she was perfect for so long and now he realizes that it was all in his head. He knows they were awful together and would never work, and every day he gets better. It bothers me that I feel like I'm competing for his thoughts. I don't like how much he talks about her.... he's very sensitive and emotional and something will remind him of her or his other ex and he'll just talk and talk about them. I feel like I have to talk about my ex's just to compete. But I'm ready to move forward! I don't want to talk about ex's anymore, but I don't want him to think he can't talk to me about his feelings! What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): Take heed and distance yourself from him. He is NOT into you at all. It's all about his exgf right now, because he's still in love with her and crying inside keeping the hope that she's going to come back for him. Take serious heed to this, because if his exgf surfaces before he releases then he'll leave patches and fumes in front of you from running back to her. Take my advice serious, because this is exactly the situation that happened to me, and I left smoke patches at my suitor's feet when my exbf left me a voicemail with "How's my Rosebud. My life isn't the same without you. I'm not blind anymore." We got married and happy. I'm sorry if my advice isn't what you are wanting to hear, but it is what it is. He's NOT into you.I wish you the best with this. Pull back before it's to late.
A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (2 December 2010):
 Unfortunately, he sounds like he tends to steer towards the emotionally abusive women and relationships. If he has a history of abuse, either physical or emotional, when he was younger, he may have always been attracted to this dysfunctional type of relationship. Part comes from a level of comfort knowing what his role is, and the other is, it’s all he knows. He is most likely still talking to his ex, regardless of how awful the relationship was, or how awful she was, because it’s a “need”. He may regress after some conversations with his ex as well.
Your fear of competing with his attention and thoughts is a justified one. He obviously is not ready to put his ex in the past, and focus on you currently, and may not be able to for a long time. It is a bizarre and damaging pull that he may be feeling, but is not able to control his feelings or tendencies. I doubt he intentionally does this to you and feels bad about it. He also may feel helpless in being able to back away from his ex and the emotional string that she still has on him. He may seem perfect in every way to you, but if he unable to fully “be” in a relationship now, it isn’t fair to you. Give a lot of thought in feeling he may overcome this pull or not. If he is unable to let go, and is having a lot of difficulty in trying, it may be time for you to move on by yourself. Good luck!
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