A
female
age
30-35,
*ioletray
writes:I have been with my boyfriend since last November. He doesn't have a big sex drive and we maybe have sex once a week, I would be up for it every night! He has turned down nearly all of my advances over the months which has hurt and knocked my confidence because it makes me feel ugly and unsexy. He's also only ever been affectionate when he wants sex. I have tried talking to him about it.. Although he hates talking about anything serious regarding the relationship.This past week or so I have had a lot of stress with work and I suppose I am also wondering whether I want to be with this guy. This week he has really surprised me though by becoming more supportive, he's even done some DIY around my home that I had asked him to do months ago as a payment for staying at mine during lockdown. After lockdown he moved back out to his (his parents) but still has a key to mine so has even got to mine to do me dinner and run a bath for when I get home from work. He's been more touchy feel too.. But I know this is just because he wants sex.. This alone is a massive turn off for me. I also have some issues around sex that I'm working through that he knows about.Its baffled me how he's starting to step up.. Maybe it's because I have become more distant?The other morning he was in a grump although he wouldn't say why, but I knew it was something to do with me. Then last night in bed (after I'd come home in tears from work) he asked if everything was OK coz I hadn't been horny for almost a week. While I was explaining the stress I'd been feeling as a cause he jus turned over and put his back to me. I apologised.. Which in hindsight I shouldn't have to do. I actually felt really bad for not wanting sex. I felt confused too.. Because he didn't touch me at all while I was trying to talk to him, he was sulking. What do I do when he sulks! He told me he hadn't masturbated for a week incase I was in the mood and that he was getting too wound up and needed release.. All while still having his back to me, no touching or eye contact at all. That ain't gunna turn me on!Sex just happens when he wants it. I like affection regularly whether it leads to sex or not. That helps me relax and makes me more open to sex. When he wants sex he jus strokes me and massages for five mins before putting his hand down there, fine if I'm turned on but i need a bit more than that!! Sex isn't even great with him yet but it does take me a while to relax.From how he acted last night I just get the impression that all the nice things he'd done over the last week were jus to get me to have sex. And to top it off I feel bad that I haven't been able to repay all these gestures by coking him a meal etc yet coz it has been a difficult time for me, have had a lot go on at work (I'm a hca in nhs), almost finished a degree, doing my house up nd trying to balance a lot of other stuff. His life isn't that busy atm.I don't know what to do about his sulking, don't know that I should be with him.
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at work, confidence, horny, in the mood, sex drive Reply to this Question
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (22 August 2020):
 This guy sounds childish.
What exactly are you staying for? You have incompatible sex drives, he doesn’t listen to you, he’s only nice to you when he wants sex and you can’t have a serious conversation. Do you honestly think this has any longevity?
I’d be finding someone you’re on the same page with, move on.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 August 2020):
 I have a couple of questions for you.
Firstly, is this how you want to spend your future? When you look 5 years down the line, or 10 years, is this all you wish for yourself? Bear in mind also that this sort of behaviour will get worse with time.
Secondly, do you not think you can do, and are worth, better? You have tried discussing the relationship with him. It has got you nowhere.
What is he adding to your life? From what you write, he is only adding negativity and stress to your life. What is the point in that?
You already know you want out of this arrangement (it's not even a proper relationship). You deserve better and you can do better. Send him back where he came from and find yourself someone who adds good to your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2020): You both have a problem with communication. You have things on your mind that you don't, or can't, effectively express to each other. Instead, you rely on guessing, suspicions, and jumping to conclusions. You both pout a lot.
Any guy who refuses to work with you on problems in your relationship isn't worth keeping around. Things seem a bit too uneven.
FYI, the major reason men don't like discussing relationships is because it's always about what "they're" doing wrong!
Way too often what he's being told is the truth! The more wrong they've done, the less apt they'll want to talk about it! It's also, all too frequently, a one-sided discussion; or a mind-numbing session to vent frustrations. He's required to be all ears. It's fight or flight, and that's when he's most likely to flee! The discussion is more productive when two people explain what they need, and what they're missing; rather than what you did, or don't do! Putting-up with that all-day at work, then coming home to it is a bummer!
It has to go both-ways. If he complains, and expresses what he feels you're doing wrong; then he's up the creek! Your self-esteem plummets, and you'll feel unappreciated, bullied, and insulted. You admitted just because he's not in the mood, you feel unsexy and ugly. Why can't he not be in the mood? How is that directly tied to your sexiness and beauty? You're not sexy unless he wants sex with you? You seek his affection, and get rejected; or he turns you down when you initiate sex. What do you do when you're not in the mood? From your own admission, exactly the same!!! If he opens-up, but tells you what you don't want to hear; then come the tears, sulking, petty attitudes, and emotionalizing for days on end! He'll avoid discussion altogether, shutdown, clam-up, and turn his back! That gives him a convenient excuse!
If you've got a string of complaints and criticisms; then perhaps you're incompatible on many different levels. Sex is not the underlying-issue. It's the lack of trust, inability to compromise, AND ineffective-communication.
There is no willingness to compromise; because neither of you know how to effectively approach relationship-issues without anger or stubbornness. As for passion, you're out-of-sync; and have no domestic-harmony. You seem to be two moody-people; and your issues and disagreements are fought-out in the bedroom.
He did some nice things for you, and your assumption/presumption is that it was motivated by wanting sex. You say you want more sex; but then you say you're turned-off. Which is it? You also implied sex isn't that great anyway! Seriously now?!!
You can't be in a relationship and never discuss your problems. Then it's left-up to guessing, childish-games, and mind-reading. He's afraid of what you might complain about; and just doesn't want to hear what bothers you. Then how does he expect to ever fix relationship-problems? They don't just fix themselves. It requires discussion, compromise, and cooperation between both parties. He seems terribly immature and selfish.
If you want to discuss your needs and feelings; but never give him equal-time, or go-off on him when he says things you don't like. Don't expect him to want to discuss relationship-issues! If it always leads-up to a grocery-list of criticisms and complaints; don't expect anyone to be up for that. Not even YOU!!! If you only like to be heard, but don't listen; you will never get a chance to air your concerns. The tone in your voice and the attitude you have when you want to discuss things with your partner will determine whether they'll be receptive and willing to have the discussion. They can only judge you by what you've done in the past; the last-time he tried to have that kind of talk with you. If you get emotional, tend to be heavily-critical, and feel he's always the culprit behind the problems in your relationship. Then logic says maybe he's the wrong-person after-all.
Your description of him is as being somewhat distant or detached. You say you crave affection. Then wouldn't his suddenly becoming lovey-dovey seem forced and insincere...if not suspicious? Unless affection willingly comes from the heart, it is forced or fake. When he is nice, you say it's only for sex. So...when is it the right-time exactly?
You can't "talk" or coerce a person into being warm, snugly, and affectionate; who's naturally-cold and standoffish. If he doesn't feel it; it just won't happen! You didn't get a red-flag about all this before you committed to being his girlfriend?
Loss of passion is often due to stress, health-issues, money-problems, exhaustion, unresolved-disagreements, and hidden insecurities. These are temporary and fixable. Normal in all relationships. Incompatibility defies and repels all efforts to create harmony. That's an indication that there are too many negative-factors working against you. Stubbornness and lack of cooperation leads to irreconcilable-differences. A breakup is inevitable. If he refuses to work with you; then he has to go! He's being unreasonable.
If you just can't seem to ever have a civil-discussion or meet each-other halfway on anything; then that may be an indication that this relationship has met its expiration-date. When your post is nothing but one complaint after another, you didn't mention how much you care for each-other; and hardly anything positive can be said about your partner. Time to weigh the pros and cons.
Are you looking for advice on how to change him, or in such deep denial that you can't see that maybe the relationship can't be fixed? If he won't talk about it, then what options do you have? You don't keep anything that's broken and can't be fixed. You dispose of it, or replace it. That goes for uncooperative-boyfriends and girlfriends too! Married-people have to work at it harder. Marriage is different.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 August 2020):
 While I get that it knocks your self confidence when he turns your sexual advances down, you also KNOW that HE feels that it is ENTIRELY and WHOLLY up to him to initiate and decide when sex "should" happen. And when HIS needs aren't met. he pouts and sulks. YET, when your needs weren't met by him he just ignores it, even if it's JUST him listening to you vent about a shitty day at work.
VERY few women are turned by a few strokes and then straight to the sex. It's OK for a "quicky" but for regular sex? it's a total libido killer for MOST (not all) women.
I think he started to be super nice because you were pulling away. And I think you have had good reason (you still have by the by) to be pulling away and being less interested in him and the relationship.
Your needs sexually and emotionally means nothing to him.
You want to talk? He turns his back on you.
You come home crying from a shitty day at work? He complains that you aren't "horny". Well, no shit, Sherlock?!
He isn't willing to REALLY invest in the relationship as far as YOUR needs. Doesn't mean he can't turn you down for sex, because OBVOIUSLY he can. However, it doesn't mean that sex should ONLY happen when HE wants it. That seems one sided.
Whether HE is busy or not, it not really for you to decide. IF the deal was he can stay with you and do some home improvements in lieu of rent, that doing those improvements is NOT him being nice.
I think YOU need to consider if this is REALLY working for you or not. Seems like living together have shown you that he is a pretty selfish guy.
You write: "I have tried talking to him about it.. Although he hates talking about anything serious regarding the relationship."
I think when you talk about these things he takes it as PERSONAL criticism. As you telling him how he isn't "good enough" - which is probably why he doesn't WANT those conversations. Secondly, he seems on the immature side, living at home in his mid-20? SULKING when you aren't in the mood? ONLY doing promised stuff when he feels like you have gone cold on him.... Kinda sound like a kid. Not an adult.
You also say:" I don't know what to do about his sulking, don't know that I should be with him."
You can't CHANGE him. Sulking has obviously worked for him at some point in life, maybe with his parents when he wanted to or to do stuff and he was initially told no... And it probably have worked with you too, I mean, you APOLOGIZED for something that is out of your control! Even if you told him HOW unattractive that behavior is, he will stick to it until HE actually realize that it doesn't work. Which HE has to discover by himself, if he is in his mid-20's and still hasn't figure that out? Yeah, that might not happen any time soon.
Whether you should even be with him or not. ONLY you can decide that. Does he ADD to your life or does he detract more? Are you looking forward to come home to him after a long day at work? Do you two SHARE things in common that you both enjoy? Can you SEE yourself with this guy 2-3- or even 5 years down the line if he STAYS the way he is?
Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. And it sounds like this relationship has run it's course, that you want more from a partner than he is willing and able to give.
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