| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Please help. Sorry for the long post. I am 32 years old, married with 3 children and my parents continuously oppose decisions I make. I have an 11 year old son. Since March, school has been closed and will be closed until the end of the year due to the pandemic. My son wants to grow his hair and I am ok with that since school is closed. My husband is ok with it as well. My parents on the other hand, want my son to cut his hair. They do not want me to put any corn rows. My father is a pastor. And as my parents stated, I know what they stand for. Arguing with my mother concerning my son's hair, led to my mother crying her eyes out saying I have nothing good to say about her. That hair cut conversation escalated to something it should not have, all because of my mother twisting and changing my words. If we have an argument, she goes to her sisters to discuss how she feels. I am an only child, if I discuss how I feel about an argument between my mother and myself with any of my friends, I am "bad talking" her. So it is ok for her to discuss her feelings with her sisters, but it is not ok for me to discuss mine, because it makes her look bad (her thoughts) and I am bad talking her.My mother worked hard to make ends meet. Supported my father and myself in every way. Even today, she helped me start a small business. I always speak of what she did and does for me. In Dec 2017 I lost my banking job and have been in between jobs ever since trying to stabilize myself. The salary I made was cut in half with this new job I have and I was so grateful when my mother decided to help me start a small business. I would speak of what my mother did for me. Years ago, I even made mention of wanting to reach in a position to take care of my parents because of how they have been so good to me. Yet, she is believing her own lie that I have nothing good to say about her. Crying in front of my 6 yr old and he would ask me why I am being wicked to my mother. My mother was busy working, and i made mention we do not have a relationship. She asked me whose fault is that. My father said I was always to myself. I am an introvert. They always shift the blame to me. I wanted to know if a child must first initiate spending quality time with his or her parents. She said I never used to come and see what she was doing. And she said she always used to tuck me in bed. Meanwhile, almost every night I used to get spanked after she told me a bible story and prayed. So I don't know how I am supposed to have good memories of being tucked in bed.Whenever it was my birthday, I wanted to go out, she never took me out. It was her sister who took me out. When I mentioned that, she said she never like going out. As a mother, I always try to make my kids' birthday special. I understand my mother worked hard and I am very appreciative of all the sacrifices she made, she would tuck me in bed and ask me how was my day and tell me she loved me every single day, but the quality time together was not there. Yes she was busy, but when she had time, almost every Friday she and her sisters went out. When I wanted her to come to the beach, she was always too tired. I don't hold that against her. But yesterday, she said it hurts her so much to know I have nothing good to say about her. And I told her that is a lie and stated all the positive things i say about her, she kept repeating herself and crying saying I am one child who has nothing good to say about my mother.I am far from a perfect mother. But she would belittle me as well as my father for things I don't do, when they did the same thing. My father would say what type of mother are you?! When I go by my parents, if I leave my children outside playing in the yard, and not be a helicopter parent, I am a bad mother. I listened to my mother's statement about that situation until I mentioned how they were the same. The thing is, when my children play or watch tv by my parents, it is just my parents, one of my aunt and myself who is there. So they are amongst people I trust. Meanwhile, when I was a child, I had little to no supervision whilst being amongst my Male cousins. I would play sports with one of my Male cousin, his younger brother and the neighbour's son and yes we hurt ourselves many times whilst playing. One day I got a huge bruise on my knee and no adult supervision. Two of my other Male cousins on the other hand molested me. I was so afraid to say a word. It went on for sometime with one of them. Probably between the ages 8-11. He never penetrated but he cummed all over me a time. And no adult supervision. One day I attempted to speak up, and told his mother he was trying to touch me and he was so mean to me. After all these years when I finally did speak up, my mother said to me, I did not love her and my father enough to tell them. So she was basically blaming me yet again. Blaming a scared child.When she began crying, lying and saying I have nothing good to say about her my father said, I told you don't study her, she has a bad spirit. So from me giving the ok to my son for growing his care, went on to saying that is a start, he will want to wear earrings and do what he wants. That discussion escalated into chaos. And led my mother to cry buckets of tears and say I am one child who has nothing good to say about her mother. To my father saying I have a bad spirit.I couldn't feel sorry seeing her crying, because she twisted my words of saying we didn't have a relationship, to I have nothing good to say about her. When I basically speak of actual experiences I have had with her. I am sick and tired of how my parents act like my opinions don't matter. I am sick and tired of how they never hold themselves accountable for areas that needed improvement. My parents think I should have initiated spending quality time with them when my mother preach of what my son's kindergarten teacher said that parents have no excuse and need to make time for their children. If I make a decision, they do not respect it, they will speak of children obeying their parents. So today I am disobedient, rebellious and disrespectful when I try to be heard. I feel like a seed trying to grow amongst torns since when they speak, I must not Express how I feel, my voice must be silenced. Today, I have a bad spirit and arrogant, because my mother lies to herself saying I have nothing good to say about her when all I am saying is, thank you for working hard and making sacrifices for me, yes you tucked me in bed and say I love you, but you did not spend quality time with me so we do not have a close relationship. Today, my mother is crying because she believes her lies that I have nothing good to say when I speak up of an argument we had. Today it is ok for her to discuss any arguments but when I do it, I am wrong to speak. I must be silenced.Today, it is ok when my mother works hard and when she gets time out of her busy schedule, make that time for her sisters. I am to blame for not asking for her to teach me to learn what she does so that we could have spent quality time together, a child is to be blamed.Today, scared children who are sexually abused are afraid to speak because they do not love their parents enough.I love my parents. They have had my back. My relationship with my father was broken after being molested. Am I wrong to speak about an argument I had with my mother? I feel like my voice is stifled. I am hurting.
View related questions:
cousin, I love you, neighbour Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2020): My father never molested me. It was my cousins.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2020): Thank you all for your response. I do feel like a child when it comes to my parents. I feel controlled and they do not care to listen to me. I can't voice my opinions. Either I am being rebellious, disobedient or disrespectful according to them. I told my mother there are psychologists who may disagree with some of the way she deals with things. She the drew reference with my cousin who hated men and said it seems the counseling was not helping but prayer. But I do believe that we need counseling. My husband says he believes that my father does not have a choice but to always agree with my mother because she may resent him for not supporting her whether wrong or not. Well to her she is always right. I can't even say, I would take your opinion into consideration but this is my decision. I would be deemed as disobedient, disrespectful and dishonorable. At this point, all of this was brought up because I okayed for my son to grow his hair. I am the type of mother that considers my children's opinions. I do not let them have their own way. To appease my parents wishes, I have told my son he will have to get a hair cut. He is so disappointed. I feel so controlled.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (22 August 2020):
 There's an awful lot of history to unravel here.
I am not a religious person but I am a mother. I think Mother's, for the most part, think they know what's best for their children and to a point they probably do but there reaches a point when you have to let your children make decisions for themselves.
Sometimes the decisions your children will make will be the right one for them other times it will be the wrong one but, from my perspective, that's how we learn and grow as a person.
As a mother, I believe your job at that point is to provide your child with facts to help them make an educated choice for themselves and then support the decision your child makes, that includes sharing in their joy when things go well and holding them close if things go wrong. It's only by standing up and being allowed to make a choice can a child learn how to become independent.
You seem to be allowing your son to make some choices and I think that's great. You're mother, however, does not appear to have ever let you grow up and she still treats you like a little girl. She appears to be very controlling and coercive.
Respecting your parents is important, their opinion is important, but that doesn't mean their opinions should override yours or your husbands.
Thank your parents for their advice and tell them that their opinions will be considered but that ultimately you and your husband are the ones who will ultimately decide how your son is raised and reassure them that he will be raised to be respectful, polite and law-abiding.
You need to stand up to them, show them that you're a grown woman but do it so they know they're still repected.
As I said I'm not religious but I believe religion should be about love, not fear and control.
I think it's important to confide in friends when things upset you, it's a necessary part of learning and growing and getting support. You shouldn't feel guilty about sharing the truth as long as your comments don't become bitter, unkind and personal. You can unload without being bitchy.
You have a husband and a wonderful child, they are your family and priority. Your husbands' opinion is the one you should cherish when it comes to your son and if he's onboard then I say do what makes your little family happy.
Let your parents know how much you love and appreciate them and everything they've ever done for you but be clear that you are now an adult and can make choices for yourself now but also reassure them that if you ever need their guidance you'll ask for it but until then they need to respect your ability to parent without interfering.
It won't be easy but I think you need to do this for your own sanity. I wish you well and hope this helps AB x
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (22 August 2020):
There's an awful lot of history to unravel here.
I am not a religious person but I am a mother. I think Mother's, for the most part, think they know what's best for their children and to a point they probably do but there reaches a point when you have to let your children make decisions for themselves.
Sometimes the decisions your children will make will be the right one for them other times it will be the wrong one but, from my perspective, that's how we learn and grow as a person.
As a mother, I believe your job at that point is to provide your child with facts to help them make an educated choice for themselves and then support the decision your child makes, that includes sharing in their joy when things go well and holding them close if things go wrong. It's only by standing up and being allowed to make a choice can a child learn how to become independent.
You seem to be allowing your son to make some choices and I think that's great. You're mother, however, does not appear to have ever let you grow up and she still treats you like a little girl. She appears to be very controlling and coercive.
Respecting your parents is important, their opinion is important, but that doesn't mean their opinions should override yours or your husbands.
Thank your parents for their advice and tell them that their opinions will be considered but that ultimately you and your husband are the ones who will ultimately decide how your son is raised and reassure them that he will be raised to be respectful, polite and law-abiding.
You need to stand up to them, show them that you're a grown woman but do it so they know they're still repected.
As I said I'm not religious but I believe religion should be about love, not fear and control.
I think it's important to confide in friends when things upset you, it's a necessary part of learning and growing and getting support. You shouldn't feel guilty about sharing the truth as long as your comments don't become bitter, unkind and personal. You can unload without being bitchy.
You have a husband and a wonderful child, they are your family and priority. Your husbands' opinion is the one you should cherish when it comes to your son and if he's onboard then I say do what makes your little family happy.
Let your parents know how much you love and appreciate them and everything they've ever done for you but be clear that you are now an adult and can make choices for yourself now but also reassure them that if you ever need their guidance you'll ask for it but until then they need to respect your ability to parent without interfering.
It won't be easy but I think you need to do this for your own sanity. I wish you well and hope this helps AB x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2020): Sometimes in life it is best to cut people out of your life.Yes what I am saying is very harsh but what happend to you and how you just gloss over the fact that your father molested you.Omg you should be angry at both your parents...very angry.Your dad holds a position of leadership...people trust him..He is a child molester.Your mother did nothing to protect you and treats you like dirt.Look I know you are hurting but this father of yours needs to be held accountable.His flock needs to know what he does to children.Your mother needs to be held accountable for enabling a pedofile.You need to keep your kids far far away from both of them.Get some therapy...this is not your fault.What will be your fault is exposing your kids to a pedofile and enabler if you let your kids anywhere near them.Move far away...get therapy...report those crooks to the police...let his flock know so to protect other kids.Do not let him do this to other kids please.Keep yours safe.You owe your parents nothing...Your parents betrayed you in the worst way...please learn from this and protect your kids.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2020): Your mother is a self-centered manipulative-person; and she likes to throw guilt in your face, or to shame you. The Bible tells us to respect our parents. Read Ephesians 6:4, which says:
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord."
Proverbs 18:21:
"21 The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.
James 3:6:
"6 And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself."
James 1:26:
"26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless."
Now here's the point I'm trying to make. Ministers and Christians are still human beings. They are not deities or earthbound-angels; and sometimes they are prone to make human-mistakes. Even with the best of intentions. Everything that comes out of the mouth of a minister, or his/her spouse, is not the gospel. Only out of the mouth of God! That's giving-in to pride and arrogance to believe so. You pray for those who hurt us, and you forgive them. Then you distance yourself from those who continuously attempt to destroy us.
They will fling religiosity in your face, and hit you over the head with the Bible to win arguments; and misuse their anointing in ways that Jesus never intends for us to use it. God is love. Jesus expects us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger." (James 1:19) This is how religious-people drive people away from God, rather than towards Him!
You have to be careful what you say to each-other; and twisting things to suit your own agenda is the same-thing. It is causing unnecessary friction. It is creating a spirit of animosity, and dissension. Throwing God's name and scriptures into it to curse or berate you is coming from a place other than the Lord. Your parents spend far too much time interfering in your family. You and your husband make the decisions regarding your children; but should heed the godly wisdom of your parents. You are no longer a small child, and not expected to blindly-follow the dictatorship of your parents; but you show them the utmost respect, and let them know that you understand and well-regard their opinions.
If you know they are right, you should listen to them. You consider if it shows prudence and discernment; but if your convictions go another direction, pray on it; and do what is right. Parents are not automatically-right, just because they're our parents! Nor are they automatically-wrong; because you see everything they say and do too old-fashioned to be acknowledged, or taken seriously. That's a big mistake! There will be major consequences for that. The world is a mess because of it.
Getting back to your mother. She learned from a child that tantrums and dramatics provoke guilt and stir emotions. She has her own guilt and demons to deal with; and you being her only-child has a major affect on her feelings. She likes having her way; and thinks being a pastor's wife places her in the position to always have her way, or else fire and brimstone will fall. She needs to go into her prayer closet and seek some soul-searching with the Holy Spirit. Every-time she comes around her daughter you both shouldn't leave feeling hurt. That's darkness involved, and it's trying to permeate your family-relationship. Your dad should be aware of it, and he should recognize and discern that something is going-on. If he doesn't, then he should also spend more time in his prayer closet. You were abused by your cousins, tell the truth. Nobody likes the truth. Look what happened to the Christ, for telling the truth. If the truth frees your soul, tell it. It does not mean you should assault and abuse the feelings of your parents. To bring-up molestation dredges-up some pretty serious allegations; and will cause serious dissension and separation in the family. You've mentioned it, now it's out there. If you don't plan to take any legal-action about it; then pray for healing. Forgive your transgressors. Do not stifle your pain, you have a right to confess and seek your healing! Nobody listened to you as a child. Well, they can't shut you up now that you're an adult! Just be prepared to face the consequences. Pray on it.
I don't expect people to like faith-based responses; but if it is appropriate, I will let the Holy Spirit guide and lead me. I don't force "religion" down anybody's throat. I don't believe in religion, that's man-made. A bunch of rules! So many, nobody can humanly follow all of them! Jesus died, so all those rules can be met; and we know what sin is. The Lord showers us with His grace, to compensate for our weakness and proclivity towards sin. He paid the price, and we were purchased with His blood. I believe in God, and His scriptures and commandments are all I need. Some will understand what I've explained, and some will not. It will bring some to anger, and some to revelation. My post does not not necessarily reflect the beliefs or intentions of DC; this response is from me to you, and others will have their own brilliant opinions to share with you.
If you and your husband don't mind the boy growing his hair, and you've decided together; then that is your decision to make. Considering that people are profiled by their appearance, not just by unethical-authorities; but also by gangs and ungodly people. Bear it in mind, it's what your parents may be concerned about. He's at home and always properly supervised and protected; that limits exposure to the darkness of these times. Prejudices and bigotry should not dictate our appearance; but be weary of how people blatantly cross boundaries, and step far out of the confines of the law.
Pray for your mother and father. They are not above human-error; but don't discount or dismiss their wisdom. Your mother will twist your words; but always speak the truth. She can't change the truth. Being a pastor's wife doesn't give her a special anointing that spins lies into truth. She will answer for her mistakes at time of judgement; but love and treat her with kindness, respect, that she deserves as your mother. Forgive her for human-weakness. You know what is right and wrong; but your parents do too!
Daughters and mothers will clash, it's how it goes in life. Love usually brings them around; and let no-one try to come between them, or hurt one of them! Woe unto them! Force her to defend her family, and a mother becomes a lioness. If she teaches her daughter with love and righteousness; then her daughter grows-up to be one too! Together, they are a force to be reckoned with! You are both strong-willed; so expect to butt heads!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2020): HiI have tried to answer some of your questions but find some of it not very clear or not the full story, to give you a clear answer.It appears that you have been in an unhealthy environment throughout most of your life, although you have had a good career in banking and went your own way getting married when it comes to family life you are still in an unhealthy environment. This environment is not the 'place' when you visit your parents, it is the place within you, the child. You have only family members as your reflection and unfortunately, they do not see their own dysfunction so how can you have any REAL self-of self, your perception will be cloudy and your pain is expressing itself at every opportunity. Your mother knows you are hurting and refuses to recognize your pain for her own weaknesses, so she carries your pain as her own. I would try to seek independent professional counseling for your own experiences of abuse that you say you have had, sexual? emotional? to try and understand you better. Repressed emotions are very unhealthy and damaging, this is not going to go away until addressed by yourself. Try and be clear in your mind of what actually happened to you and look outside that small box of sisters, aunts, parents. Families can fall out over the simplest things (your son's hairstyle) these are just triggers of underlying unexpressed issues. Do you still feel like a child around your parents? There are clear indicators that need addressing professionaly.
...............................
|
