A
female
age
51-59,
*atimab
writes:I am married for 14 years to a man 16 years my senior. We have got into a vicious circle, where he comes too quick if we haven't had sex for a while which puts me off having sex with him for a while. When I want to have sex with him again he comes too quick again, do you know what I mean? We talk about it and I show him what he can do to arouse me but he always seem to conveniently forget how to do it.I've just discovered on our credit card that he's looking for sex on a site called adult friend finder.Don't know whether I'm relieved he might get used to having sex again regularly, so that he doesn't come so quick with me or whether I'm disgusted he didn't try and work this out with me. I haven't said it to him yet. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, HOLLEE Price  +, writes (19 September 2008):
sex addicts care only about themselves and they look for more and more......its hurtful and horrible.....i know from experience...i would suggest a SA meeting for him.......he needs to HEAR you and care about you...and not be shopping for sex online
that site is full of people that meet for gang bangs and day time secret sex.......
listen to your gut
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 September 2007):
 four play is the answer or multiple times in one day. With my ex once, we did it 4 times. By the fourth, I was not going to cum again.
Waiting in between times decreases how long it takes, unless he learns how to control it. That takes patients on both ends. I've tried it it's not as easy as it sounds to do. I had to, during the time or erotic excitement, try to take my mind off it and think about something else. That was hard to do.
What I would be worried about is his membership. Even if you took your first idea about it spicing up your sex life, him going somewhere else to get some, there's always a chance of him bringing something home to you that you may not want. I'd confront him. Good relationships are based on honesty. You be honest about not being satisfies, he needs to be honest if there is something going on with him too. Sometimes premature ejaculation is mentally prompted. Do some studying regarding both premature ejaculation, and also hyper-focus.
You're right. This is a family matter. Don't involve friends. What can they really do to slow it down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): I'm disgusted. Why would he think that his premature ejaculation problem could be solved by having sex with random women (sluts) he meets on adult friend finder? That website is just for people to have sex, if you didn't know. If he does or has had sex with someone new, he has to know that he is going to come in a few seconds or however long it is when he has sex with you. So I don't see how these 2 issues are related. I think he's just looking to cheat. You're a lot younger than him, you should get out and find someone better whom you can have a good relationship with. And this may be a lesson to younger women chasing older men, or vice versa. Often times in the long run it's not a compatible union.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (21 September 2007):
 Confront him. I think this is not a good sign for your relationship. When men start crusing porn sites too often, and neglecting or performing poorly with their mates, something is going on and no good can come out of it. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Fatimab +, writes (21 September 2007):
Fatimab is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd another thing. I'm still frustrated and want to have sex. If I tell him I know, but still want to have sex cause I'm so frustrated, what message is that going to send out? The stupidest mistakes can cause such upset!!@*@*%
Thanks for reading, its quite therapeutic. I wouldn't dream of talking about this to my friends. I would hate for THEM to look at him differently also, especially while we're going through this.
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A
female
reader, Fatimab +, writes (21 September 2007):
Fatimab is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes he obviously wanted me to see the card. Yes I've tried getting him to pull out but he's too fast. Yes I've said honey it doesn't matter and tread carefully with him and asked him to pleasure me until he's back 'up' so I'm not so frustrated with him. Yes I've tried to have loads of sex to get him to keep going for longer, but he's not trying harder to stay harder for longer and so yes I lose patience and would rather not disappoint myself for awhile and give up on sex for a week. I don't get it. He's so over horny but he can't last the pace. Viagra is too hard for me and so that doesn't even work. He's mad about me and mad with me that we're not having torrid sex all the time and has blamed me sometimes for the vicious circle. I think there is lazy thinking going on somewhere on his part and a pride thing with me sometimes too. Thanks for your replies. I'll have to say it to him, and see how we go.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (21 September 2007):
 he uses a credit card he knows you'll see, maybe this is his pathetic excuse for trying to get out of the relationship.
i think you should ask him, if he's thinking of cheating or maybe he has done already which is why he doesn't have sex with you, either way, you deserve to know.
he's being unfair to you, sometimes when a man ejeculates too early, there are ways to prevent it, like right before he has to cum, make him pull out, for about 3-4 seconds and then it sould be okay.
there are always solutions to problems if you look for them but he wants a cheats way out and seems to have the perfect excuse. don't fall for it.
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): You're right, it's a vicious circle which from a bloke's point of view you could probably sort out quite easily.You say that when he comes too quick it puts you off for a while. I'm willing to bet that you also show your disappointment at not being satisfied, roll over and go to sleep in a huff. If so it won't do his performance factor any good at all.What you could try instead is to tell him that it doesn't matter, that you enjoyed it all the same, that you don't consider orgasms all that important and cuddle yourselves to sleep. A few 'white lies', I know, but women are good at that. Then in the morning try to get him in the mood by fondling him and jump on his bones before he's disappeared for a pee and got rid of his 'morning glory'. If successful, his confidence will have had a serious boost and he'll not be so anxious about failing again. The more often that he has sex, the longer he'll last, but you're causing the opposite effect by being 'put off for a while'.Mens emotions need to be treated very kindly when it comes to this sort of thing, so be gentle with him!
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (21 September 2007):
 Personally, I'd be disgusted - but that's just me.At any rate, you're his wife. So any issues he has, he should be coming to you! If he needs to have sex more often to get over the PE, then that's YOUR job to help him out, not some woman he meets online. He needs to know that.Also, if you do decide to be disgusted that he would ask another woman for sex and not come to you, then you need to be ready to have all that horrible sex until you get the golden prize - sex longer than a couple of minutes!Oh, one more thing. It may be that he's just looking for another woman. It may not be about the sex (PE) thing, it just be that he's cheating. Just thought I'd throw that in there.Hope this helps.
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