A
female
age
51-59,
*oClue
writes:I posted a question yesterday about the man I am dating and him wanting space. It seems that either my question was pushed off the board too fast or know one feels the need to help? This is my first time to a forum like this and I was hoping for some insight. He suffers from anxiety and depression. I am willing to give him his space but I feel like I am wasting my time. I have given him reassurances on my end that I am here for him and that I won't be dating or looking for someone else but he has not given me any reassurances. Am I just supposed to wait for him to come back? How long should I give him? I am completed confused, scared, and tired of my situation and I would appreciate any help anyone can give. Is it normal for someone who suffers from depression and is overwhelmed to just withdraw completely? What do I do since he's asked for space. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, NoClue +, writes (9 January 2014):
NoClue is verified as being by the original poster of the question@CindyCares I appreciate your response a lot. It may seem that 4 or 5 days is a lot for me and it is. The reason I think this is so difficult is because he has done this before and never communicates to me what he needs so then I automatically assume when he says he needs space that he's actually breaking up. That may still be the case but I'm a woman that needs to be told that or I'll still hold out hope that he will come back. A couple of days before this happened I asked him if I was hurting him more than helping and he said he had thought about that but wasn't sure. I don't know how I could be hurting him. All I would do was check in with him and see how his day was. Maybe that little bit of contact was still too much with everything he has going on. I still don't understand why men have to keep us women in the dark!! I would rather he hurt me with the truth than comfort me with a lie. So I guess I continue to wait.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2014):
 Although the depressive anon's advice is sound , sensible and backed up by personal experience, I would NOT follow a course of " I am here for you " messages every 3 or 4 days.
First, if he is depressed , he is depressed , not cognitively impaired. You don't need to reiterate things often.If you tell him ONCE, ( "I am always here for you whne you need me ", or something like that ) he will know and remember.If he is not depressed but just distancing himself, a barrage of well meaning support textes will only make him feel stalked and want to distance himself even more.
Second, he asked for space. So, either you trust that this is a reasonable , legitimate need of his, and you'll respect his request for as long as it is necessary.
Or, you don't trust him and feel this is a trick to pull away avoiding conflict- but in this case you would be chasing after someone who does not want you anymore, which os both ineffective and undignified.
As hard as it is, I think it's a case of when in doubt, do nothing. Hang in there , and just give him the space he wants for how long you think it's right and how long you can handle it.
But, in the meantime, think long and hard if this would be the relationship you want, the one which can make you happy, or at least not unhappy.
Even excluding that he is just giving you the runaround, and that he is actually depressed , or stressed out, or sorting his life out, I feel that in all this the YOU part is going missing, it's all about his wants and needs and priorities.
What about you ? It may not be his fault if he is in such a bad place ( well, if he is depresssed and not seeking treatment it IS his fault )- but neither is yours. If you are a person who needs closeness, consistence and frequent contact in a relationship ( and I think you are, since just 4 or 5 days of NC affect you so badly ) well, that's a legitimate desire too which he is not willing or able to fulfill. Which may not be his fault , and yet makes him totally wrong for giving you a fulfilling relationship.
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female
reader, NoClue +, writes (9 January 2014):
NoClue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess at this point I am confused as to how to proceed. I'm not sure he's depressed but it's possible. If he's depressed I want to support him from a distance and check in on him periodically. But if he is asking for space because he is stressed out then I don't want to contact him because he asked me for space. All of this could be avoided if he'd communicate with me but getting him to communicate when he is like this is next to impossible and I don't want to cause him more stress. Any suggestions as to how I can proceed? I'm so confused and worried about him.
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female
reader, NoClue +, writes (9 January 2014):
NoClue is verified as being by the original poster of the question@female anon I truly appreciate your insight. I would like answers to questions I have but I know I have to be patient with him. I know right now he most likely will not respond to any communication. As I said, he has asked for space before when he was overwhelmed by his daughters and ex wife so I guess time will tell. I just wonder if he will come back? I don't want to contact him if he's just going to reject me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): Eight months is past the 6 month 'honeymoon' period and it's when a couple begin to work out if and how they can work as a team. They don't ever usually sit down and discuss it in that way though! It's more about seeing if you can overcome a new kind of awkwardness at times - not the awkwardness of the first phase when you are literally getting to know one another, but a different kind because there is more at stake, more fear on one or both parts that it won't work out and also the having to figure out what the other wants and needs without spelling things out so that everything is spoiled. It's where trust really begins to develop or not. It's incredibly important that you don't panic and learn to 'ride out' this transitional period, where things are entering a different stage. It's not like you have six months and then WHAM you are in the next stage of intimacy and working as a team. It's just not like that...it's about give and take and back and forth and getting some things wrong and others right.If your guy is depressed now and has always had depression then what goes on in this very normal phase will be a bit more extreme for both of you. It will drain you a bit more than it usually would. Four days to you may seem like a lifetime - and if I was in love with someone I'd feel the same. But, honestly, to other people it is really, really not very long at all. Most men, the vast majority, work on a different sense of time. There's literally no point sometimes in expecting them to work to the same speed. It would be like asking a goldfish to swim at the same speed that a cat can walk or run. It just doesn't work like that. Forget all the stuff you read or see about people being in harmony and synchrony immediately. It very rarely happens that way - or it can do for a couple of months of blissful sex and then the couple split up, I've seen that happen.If you want to try for longer with your guy, you must learn to trust him to indicate to you when he is ready to spend time with you. Learning to trust someone can be hard when we're not familiar with their pattern of doing things. At the times when you are finding it more draining - like now - the ONLY way that you are going to get through this - because it will keep happening until you enter the next phase together - is if you have your own reserves to draw on during those times. Depressed people need strong people around them. They can give back to you, but they can usually only do it when they have their own reserves back in place. Whilst he is like this, there is literally not a lot you can do. It's better that you practice putting in place your own things to do - and this won't be easy at first because you will want to cling to him. Just do what you've done, let him know that you are there and strong and he will feel increasingly safe to turn to you. It will sometimes be quicker, sometimes longer.If you really cannot handle that and will feel like a doormat, then it's best that you leave and get out now. A pattern will definitely establish itself and it may feel, at first, like it is all in his terms. It may be an irregular pattern and it may be one that takes several months to establish. It's the only way he can begin to feel really safe with you. But you may not be able to handle it and there is no reason why you should feel obliged to.
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reader, NoClue +, writes (8 January 2014):
NoClue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt this point I don't know if he's depressed or if he is just wanting space because he has a lot going on or maybe this is his way of breaking up with me? We've been together 8 months and he did this once before but came back after 4 days. I'm lost as to what I should do? If he truly wants space I don't think I should contact him. But if he's depressed I'd like to check on him. I don't know what to do and then I start thinking he doesn't want to be with me anymore because he was pulling away about a week before he asked for space bc he'd had a huge fight with his ex wife. I don't know how to proceed. Any help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): Hi, I'm the depresive poster
I usually like receiving messages from my friends when I'm unwell I just don't feel able to talk to them or engage with them much. And I quite often don't reply for a while.
I would contact him via email or text every 3 - 4 days or so (unless he has his own ideas) just to let him know that you're still thinking about him. I think contacting him to let him know that you care, hope that he's okay and letting him know that you're available to help in any way you can is a nice idea.
Don't expect a prompt or chatty reply though. And don't expect him to accept your offer of help.
Keep up contacting him but keep the messages short and light and avoid asking questions that might put pressure on him to feel he has to reply. Avoid actively trying to cheer him up or chivvy him along. Avoid constantly offering help though although the odd reminder wouldn't go amiss. And avoid making it sound that he's missing out on a great time.
Obviously I can only speak from my own experience and your b/f may be completely different.
And as I said before, if he doesn't reply to you at all after 3 weeks or he is still requiring vast amounts of "space" after 3 months and still hasn't been able to maintain regular contact, then you should seriously consider withdrawing withdrawing from the relationship as he obviously isn't really in a fit state of mind to be dating - especially if this is a fairly young relationship.
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female
reader, NoClue +, writes (8 January 2014):
NoClue is verified as being by the original poster of the question@female anon who suffers from depression. Do you think I should maintain no contact, which I've done going on 5 days, or should I just email and tell him I'm here for him??
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 January 2014):
Yes, it's pretty normal for people with major depression to withdraw completely, in fact if he is seriously depressed I am surprised he wants to bother with dating / relationships because normally that's the last thing they can bother with and that they feel capable to handle . Also ,libido generally takes a serious beating when you are depressed ,so often there's not even the pull of sexual desire to draw you to your partner, in fact sex may feel just like another obligation.
I don't know how severe is your partner's depression, maybe he is not at this stage, it's more ups and downs, backs and forths, periods of withdrawing and periods of opening up.
If he is not seeking / undergoing treatment, though , and if he does not WISH to heal, you are definitely wasting your time. What would you be waiting for ? let's say that in a month or so he feels better and reaches out to you , and things are manageable for a little while. Then he will have another relapse, need lot of space and little or no contact again, rinse and repeat ad infinitum.
Who can handle a relationship like that, and why SHOULD they habdle it : if you are in a relationship, it is also for YOUR wellbeing and comfort, not just the partner's. So if he has no intention to seek treatment, cut your losses and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): I suffer from major depressive disorder and it's "normal" for me to withdraw completely when I am overwhelmed. I reduce contact with most of my friends and family as it often furthers my distress and feelings of inadequacy. This is not their fault it's just something I need to do to survive the worst moments of my life.
Having been single for so many years I can't say whether it would be "normal" for me to need extensive space from a partner though. I do know, however, that when I am in crisis I am unable to put anybody's needs before my own so I would make crap relationship material. It's actually easier for me not to have relationships.
If this is a new(ish) relationship (less than a year) or a repetitive pattern in a longer relationship I would suggest that you leave the relationship. It takes a huge amount of strength and the ability to deal with a lot of shit to maintain a loving relationship with a person who is severely depressed.
If this is a long term relationship already which up until now has been fine then maybe you could wait until he is engaged in some sort of treatment programme and see if he improves. If he doesn't improve or engage in any treatment programme, don't wait about indefinitely - it's not worth the heartache.
Please post an update here if you want any more specific insight into depression.
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female
reader, NoClue +, writes (8 January 2014):
NoClue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been no contact for the last 4 days. If he asked for space I didn't think I should continue to email, text, or call. We were supposed to get together and have a discussion about things and obv that didn't happen. I gave him reassurances because I love him. I'm willing to wait for a set amount of time in my mind but I haven't figured out how long is reasonable. I don't believe he is being treated for his depression. I have a feeling he has a lot going on right now and has retreated to his "cave", so to speak.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 January 2014):
 1. Don't make promises you aren't feeling 100% comfortable making (such as you will wait for him and not date others)
The guy is depressed and NOT getting help? If so, there is nothing YOU can do to fix the issues. IT'S ALL on him.
WHY are you putting your life on hold for a man who might or might not get better? He might decide that YOU are not what he wants. And then where does that leave you?
Figure out HOW much time you are willing to give him before you CHOOSE YOU and YOUR happiness. Then stick to it.
In general though depression DO make people push others away, because it's easier to wallow in one's own misery instead of reaching out for help. That is part of depression. It's like YOU against the world and not you & your loved ones against the world.
How long have you dated? And what kind of space is he asking for? Is it NO CONTACT or no dates, him only calling you?
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (8 January 2014):
Depression like any other emotion is really different to different people. When I'm feeling down I don't anyone around me either but in staying that, it doesn't last long. How you thought of getting in touch with a social services to understand what he is going through. Sometimes to learn about what he has will make it easier for you to understand what is needed to support him. Mental illnesses are tough on everyone.
Good Luck!
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