A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm just looking for a bit of advice really. My boyfriend of a year broke up with me recently giving me no reasons why. He said that I was still the most amazing girl he has ever met and there is no one else he is interested in, and he said that he didn't know why he was feeling that he didn't want to be with me anymore but he just didn't. It was all very confusing and complicated and he dragged it out for a week. He would have dragged it out for longer too if I hadn't told him that we needed to decide one way or the other to save my sanity! Literally one moment he was lifting me up in the air and kissing me like in some kind of romantic film whilst saying sorry for being so confused, and the next he was saying 'actually no I don't think it's worth trying to make things work anymore'. I asked him if I had done anything wrong or if there was something about me that didn't work with him, but he just promised that it wasn't anything to do with me, he just wasn't feeling 100% sure with things anymore. So I have no idea what went wrong. He never told me why he wanted to break up despite me asking, so I shall never know. I know he was upset about treating me so rubbishly and I know he was very very confused. He hurt me badly though.So anyway, we finally broke up. I was heart-broken and instantly missed everything about him so much. It was the worst feeling in the world- I felt numb and everything around me suddently felt different. He was perfect in my eyes (funny, clever, trustworthy, loyal, caring, things in common etc) :( However I had to give up thinking about everything because I couldn't understand what had just happened. I knew that he thought that I hated him when we left eachother because I gave him that impression as I was very upset, so I emailed him a week later to say 'look I don't hate you because apart from anything else you are one of my best friends and hopefully after time and space apart we can be friends again.' I thought I wouldn't have to see him again until Christmas because we are at different universities.However a few nights ago I went out with friends to the local pub and he turned up. We didn't talk, only to say 'hi' and 'bye. It was quite awkward and as soon as I saw him all my feelings rushed to the surface and I was still definitely attracted to him as MORE than a friend. I had hoped that now things were over between us, I would be ok just being friends. Nope. So now he thinks that when we get back from this university term at Christmas, we are still going to be best friends and will go clubbing together and spend New Year together etc. Considering that last New Year we told eachother we loved one another for the first time, the idea of spending New Year with him this year as 'just friends' seems impossible to me. It would KILL me inside.Clearly for him it is fine and he is already over me which hurts enough in itself, but I still have feelings for him. I still love him. I still feel protective towards him and genuinely care about him, despite how much he has hurt me. I think I always will. I would want to kill anyone who hurt him. I want to get over him, yet we have lots of mutual friends and I know I will have to see him again at Christmas. He also lives 5 minutes away from me so I can't really escape. I don't want all this hurt to keep repeating itself. It hurts enough already knowing that I have lost someone I love without having done anything wrong and that there is nothing I can do to put things right. I don't want him to think that I hate him because I don't, but I'm not prepared to keep hurting myself everytime I see him. I desperately want to only view him as a best friend like he wants me to but I can't. He was my first love and I was his. He is the only boy I have ever slept with. I gave everything to him and always tried to make him feel special and loved because that is what he was. I don't know how the hell to keep my best friend in my life whilst protecting myself from more of this hurt. :( Maybe being apart from him will make him realise what he's lost- who knows. It's not really that I even want him back anymore though because I don't think I could feel secure enough with him again anyway after all of this in case he changed his mind again. It's more the fact that I've not just lost my boyfriend, I've also lost one of my ultimate best friends and I can't stand it. Any words of wisdom out there?!Sorry this is so long and possibly hard to understand :(
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, christmas, clubbing, kissing, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the comments from everyone. Certain things you said really helped. In a way though I wish my boyfriend was horrible so I had a reason to hate him...you all seem to agree that he just isn't horrible. He's not :( I agree I need space from him to get over him and that things may have changed by Christmas anyway so I will deal with that when it arrives. I may have met someone else by then anyway in which case maybe being friends with/seeing my ex won't hurt so much. True, the thought of him with other women makes me feel physically ill because I would be so jealous so I couldn't face that whilst being 'just friends' with him. I don't think that true love involves having to go to the same uni Samuel although that is awesome that you guys are together after so long- you are lucky. My ex already told me that our break up was not to do with uni because if he really wanted to make things work he would have had no doubts about trying at uni despite being a few hours apart. It was probably an extra strain though. Who knows, maybe now was just the wrong time for us. Hopefully I will fine someone who makes me realise that this recent relationship wasn't as perfect as I view it to have been. Thanks again.
A
male
reader, sammackpoole +, writes (23 September 2009):
Dear anonymous heartbroken woman:
I would like to start by stating that I understand that you are probably feeling very emotionally charged at the moment; no heartbreak is nice and as you are off to university, I am will deduce that this is probably the first major relationship you have been in. I met my wife at the age of 17 and I can totally relate to the feelings you are going through: the passionate ardour you feel at the moment must be very painful; however, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Firstly, I think that you should stop blaming yourself and this will alleviate the burden of anguish that you feel. It is very easy to look back with hindsight and think ‘perhaps I should not have been so intense’ or ‘ I wish I had not done that’, despite the natural inclination to blame the self, I want you to know that this experience is extremely formative because you are learning important life skills in this break up. While this may not placate you at the moment, you will have a true epiphany or a gradual realisation that this break-up experience, although depressing and stressful, will make you a stronger, more secure person: a more mature, level headed and experienced lady.
Secondly, you must already realise that you have already logically deduced that your boyfriend is very confused about his emotions towards you. It is a self evident truth that men are not as emotionally intelligent as women; men can actually be quite tumultuous in their emotional expression and it is obvious that your ex-boyfriend has decided to hide away from his problems because he is so befuddled. From what you have said, I can deduce that although your ex-boyfriend is insensitive, I do not think that he is a philandering womaniser or a potential love rat. Again, I think you know his motivation behind the break up because you have mentioned it: university (I will address this a little later).
Furthermore, your ex-boyfriend has shown that he does care about you by wanting to ‘remain friends’. However, what he does not realise is that he is actually perpetuating your feelings of hurt; by remaining at a close, tangible distance, your ex-boyfriend has a greater emotional hold on you. In essence, you will remain in a state of limbo until you break all ties with him. This, of course, will be hard but it is a necessary step which you must take; could you bear to see this man kiss another woman? Could you bear to witness the flirtation and coquettish looks that will ensue? After all, he is a single young man and he is single: you do not have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that he will want the company of other young women. I do not think you could bear the pain, therefore, I think it prudent for you to remain at a distance, for your own emotional well being.
Finally, I would like you to pontificate on the ‘university issue’. It is important to remember that long-distance relationships rarely work out. I will tell you something about true love; I could not bear to be away from my girlfriend, who turned out to be my wife and the mother of my children, that I turned down the university I initially applied for to be closer to her. I did this because I was (and still am) smitten with her. I can only draw the conclusion that if you were truly in love, you would have both gone to the same university. However, what created a barrier in your relationship may become the bridge to a new life. I dare say there is a handsome, intelligent and thoughtful man at university who is interested in you and I think you should embrace this opportunity to join the ‘freemale generation’: now is the time to be a young, fun and confident woman. Play the dating and game and hopefully find love. I think that after a few months at university, you may meet an eligible price charming.
All the best, Samuel Mack-Poole.
...............................
A
female
reader, Rose_red_09 +, writes (23 September 2009):
I know how much it can hurt - it really is the hardest thing seeing someone when you feel such emotion. But you do need to concentrate on making new friends and getting on with life at Uni. If he is confused - well let him be confused without playing with your feelings and emotions. I know it's not easy but first loves never just go away but unfortunatley - they are part of lifes experiences.I really do think it would be good to create some distance between you guys - if it hurts too much to see him or speak to him them don't put yourself in that situation.And to be honest - Christmas is a few months away - you may want to do something with your uni friends - just wait and see.Just you take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 I agree with CaringGuy almost entirely.
However, I am not going to tell you that your ex-boyfriend is rotten for two reasons. 1) You will reject everything I say after that and feel you have to defend him. 2) I don't think he's rotten.. a bit of a stinker, but not rotten.
He handled the break up BADLY. Rather than making it a "clean cut", he has made a VERY COMMON (and cowardly) mistake and in an effort to spare your feelings, prolonged the pain, added some extra confusion and made the break up worse for you. He isn't malevolent... just irresponsible. I will forgive him to a degree because you need me to in order to take my advice and because he is young.
Don't look at "getting over him" as one huge project that you must accomplish. Let's break it up into stages... (That's how we heal) and take it one day at a time. Looking at it in terms of a huge undertaking, instead of step by step makes it seem impossible.
And when we tell ourselves something is impossible, it BECOMES impossible.
To start you off on the right foot, focus on making yourself happy, even if you can only manage it in little doses to begin with. Surround yourself with happy music, hang out with your University friends and escape into a favourite (and uplifting) book. A new year at University can be a fresh start. You can make some changes that will help your mind avoid going down the "thinking of him and missing him path". This can be joining a new club or one thing I have done is to change my phone ringer. It’s amazing how hearing a phone ring the way it used to when he'd call or text can make you think of him. Get a new ringer if it will help.
Another tip is don’t ask about the “why?” of a break up. Don’t even think about it. His feelings changed. You did nothing to change them and there is nothing you could have done differently to avoid where you are now. It happened. There is no one else. There is no “ why”… there’s only “IS”.
If there was a “why”, knowing it wouldn’t change things or make you feel better, anyway.
And do not be his friend. You can’t be until you are over him (you’re right about this). Trying to be his friend with absolutely impede the process. You need your space. But don’t stress about Christmas yet. It’s not even Thanksgiving or Halloween. Take it one step at a time….
Deal with Christmas when it’s Christmas. You actually might feel better about it by then, and if you don’t, for this one year at least you can change things up enough with your friends that you don’t need to face him.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 September 2009):
Yes, here are a few words of wisdom. They're a little blunt, but they are truthful.
Firstly, this guy is far from perfect. He dragged out dumping you and played aroud with you. Not really a good guy at all. And as for all the stuff he said, he said that so he wouldn't hurt you. I'm afraid he's not that into you.
Secondly, couples that split but want to remain 'friends' rarely work. One of the two always wants more and always ends up being dangled on the string.
Thirdly, you're going to uni. Find a new set of friends and socialize with other guys. There are plenty of others out there. And they'll like you.
Don't bother with this guy, you'll only end up in tears and very confused. Find someone else. x
...............................
|
