A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys thanks for reading, I am open to all the advise you can give me. I have been dating this guy for a few weeks, but I barely get to spend time with him because he has a son. I haven't met his son yet I would like to but not till we are in a full relationship sometimes it can be a full week before we even meet up because he keeps changing his plans due to his son. He still lives with his ex and I hate that but it's not my place to say until we are together or is it? I have such strong feelings for him but I feel as tho he doesn't care about me especially when he cancels on me. I can barely phone him because his ex doesn't know about me yet and might cause problems. Please help I don't know wot to do and I'm scared of getting hurt xx
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 June 2016):
 I fully Agree with YouWish on her answer to Male Anon.
Male anon, what YOU and your ex are doing is FINE for some. I think it's a GOOD thing that you are able to STEP up and still provide a room over your ex's head in her illness. It provides a sense of stability for your ex and your child.
However, there are women who might applaud you for taking care of your ex, but who don't WANT to date a guy who people like an ex living with them. Some don't want to date a person who has an adult "child" living with them. And I can see both sides. Me, personally? I wouldn't date a guy in such a complicated position. Even though you might be a super great guy. YOU got to do what works for you, I got to do what works for me.
And... YOU (unlike the OP's "guy") are not hiding the women you have been dating. They are AWARE of the situation, they have been to your home, possibly met your ex AND your child. Your ex (I presume) are OK with you dating and bring them home. OP's guy is not that forthcoming. Now that doesn't automatically mean he is lying... but chances are... if a guy wants to keep you "secret" from him life, he most likely is lying or hiding things. And the ONE who will get hurt when the crap hits the fan is the OP.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2016): I agree with the other posters that think this man is lying to you.
Due to the negative equity in our flat my ex-husband and I were forced to live together for 18 months. We both tried to live separate lives and although it was difficult neither one of us dictated who each other saw or spoke to on the phone!
If she's truly an ex why would she cause problems? I accept that some ex's can be tricky but if she's THAT controlling he'd had moved out already. If he led a independent life he could easily speak to you and arrange babysitting if necessary.
It's early on and he's already making you unhappy so why continue? Plenty more fish in the sea.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 June 2016):
 Male anon with the sick ex:
The difference between your situation and the OP's is that your ex knows that you're dating and knows who you date usually. You bring girls who spend the night at your place. That's not the case here. Deception is running rampant with this guy she is seeing, and all signs point to his ex NOT being an ex.
You have one of the extremely few exceptions to the rule, and that is as the caregiver to the terminally ill mother of your child. Your situation is open and honest. Some women simply won't go for it, and I understand it as their choice. There are plenty of people who won't sleep with a married person who has a verified open marriage either. It's a matter of compatibility and choice.
You are making the sacrifice for your son, male anon, and I commend you for it. Your situation is also temporary and has a very definite set of perimeters. Like I said, your caregiver status makes you the very rare exception, and even in your exception status, you are upfront and honest with both your ex and potential women, giving them the choice without the slightest hint of deception.
That's a massive mile away from cheating on someone, calling her an ex, and doing everything behind her back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2016): OK, I know some of you, can't understand that , two people once married with child can live together, my ex has been living under my roof for years, she pays rent, cleans the house, she is very sick now, won't be around much longer, I have custody of our daughter, so this is a way they can see each other a lot before she dies, I have girlfriends that spends the nights, but then I meet women, who won't go out with me because of it,they can meet her any time, so yes exs can live together
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 May 2016):
 I believe this man has fooled you. It sounds like he is still with his partner and mother off his child. He wants a bit on the side with you when he can have it, but other than that he has no feelings for you or does not want a future.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 May 2016):
I don't know how to gently say this to you, so I'll just say it:
She's not an ex. She's nowhere near CLOSE to being an ex. He has conned you into swallowing a lie, because coming out and saying that he's cheating on his wife (there's a good bet she's his wife even if he keeps saying "ex" or "girlfriend") doesn't make women comfortable enough to sleep with a married man as much as feeding a line of "We're all over except the moving out" or the BS one I've seen "We're divorced in our heart" or "We've been separated for a very long time" while at the same time, the "ex" (don't believe it!) hears the "I love you honey" story, or if she's smart enough to know there are problems "We'll go to counseling and make it work".
She's not an ex. Stop calling her what she isn't. Has he shown you divorce papers? Has he shown you legal separation papers? Does he even live in a different address? Does he pay her child support? No? Then they're still together.
He's also doing the really disgusting bit about making his SON the excuse for flaking out on you when it's not his son's fault at all. Make no mistake - a TRUE separated/divorced parent takes time to date without feeding the shuck-and-jive rules or blaming it on their offspring. Single mothers still date, while living alone, completely living their own lives away from a TRUE ex-husband or ex-boyfriend. If they have to cancel or delay, they'll be straight with the reason, such as they had to take their kid to the doctor, etc. Usually, they know their schedule beforehand so they know good dating times.
He is *NOT* changing plans due to his son. That's outrageous. He constructs lies to tell his wife (like business meetings, going out with the boys, working late, all of that nonsense) to go out and cheat on her with you.
Don't be naive. Tell him not to talk to you until he lives at his own address and is divorced from his wife or separated from his girlfriend. You could look him up on the internet and find his marriage license easily enough to know that he's not left her. Doing background checks on people is so ridiculously easy these days, it's a wonder why all of this flimsy "I'm sort of quasi almost in-our-hearts" crap even works anymore? It's the human love-life equivalent to doing a "Romance-credit-report" on someone to see if you're being scammed or not.
Find HER social media, like Facebook, LinkedIn, place of employment, and you'll easily find lots of places where she talks about her husband (or boyfriend!), and I bet the story she's living with is different that the crap he's telling you. In fact, if she ever catches him cheating on her with you, the story he'll tell HER about YOU will be something along the lines of:
"She's nothing to me! It was nothing. She came on to me. I didn't want to do anything with her. She's psycho. It was only once or twice. I love YOU and our son. I'll never betray you! It was just sex. She was meaningless. I didn't feel anything with her!" That "I've been caught" speech should just be bronzed on a plate because it's been wheedled out by so many caught cheaters.
You need to keep your dignity and leave. Watch how he treats people he says he loves and see your future with him right there in it. I feel bad for his son, who he's demeaned and belittled now into just an "alibi" for dealing with you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 May 2016):
I know that SOME couples after they split up can't afford to move out, so they co-habitat a while to sort that part out. Matbe they bought the house together and neither can afford the mortgage alone etc. Others don't WANT to move out, and think they can go from couple to "just friends" and live together.. and then you have the last category...
The people who LIE and say they are single, but they really aren't.
It seems to me as INVOLVED as this guy is in his son (nothing wrong in that) that he REALLY isn't as "single" as he claims. And honestly? I can see him real fast "going" back to the ex and use the kid as the excuse (if he IS single at all). Specially if the EX turns out to NOT like the idea of him dating someone. Or if they are really on a "break" and not "broken up".
Also you should NOT be introduced to his child before there is a exclusive relationship, or before the mother knows he is now dating again. I'd say a good 6-12 months into a GOOD strong relationship.
From the little you have told me? I don't think he IS single. He might have had some issues with the GF, he might have considered breaking up - but they are STILL together. Why do I say this? Because he KEEPS using his child as an excuse to not see you or to cancel. A subject he KNOWS most women wouldn't argue. Like Auntie BimBim says, if they ARE no longer together they SURELY have set up a plan and a rotation to cover who takes care of the little guy and when.
But let's say for a second that they no longer ARE together. Facts are he is still hiding you, like some dirty little secret. If the ex was OK with him (and herself) dating again, he wouldn't have to hide you. And then, let's talk logistics. HOW do you think you would feel going to spend time with him at THEIR house? What does he REALLY have to offer?
I think I would skip this one. And I would tell him why. "You seem like a really nice date and I have enjoyed spending time with you, but I just can't see where we would go from here. I don't really feel comfortable dating a guy who is still living with his ex. Now I understand you want to be there for your child, and I commend that, he should be your top priority, but that also means... that you will (just like you have already) cancel on me at the drop of a hat, which means I'm way down the list of priorities to you. I wish you good luck."
After that? I'd honestly block and delete his number. It's ONLY been a few weeks. And you are already being cancelled on and seeing red flags. The issues that you bring up are VALID and not going to change any time soon.
Sorry, I'd let this one back in the pond.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 May 2016):
 I'd be very concerned that he's living with his "ex" and she can't know about you...
sorry I've been divorced and I call BS that she's an ex.
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A
female
reader, tammye17 +, writes (31 May 2016):
 Hello there, I think there are too many red flags here. You are starting a relationship with insecurities and too much baggage. Honestly, you don't even know if he's really telling you the truth. He sounds like he is still married.
1. he lives with his ex
2. he is hiding you from his "ex" (that just tells you then the relationship is not completely over)
3. he cancels on you all the time
I was in the same situations many years ago and what starts bad ends bad. Don't do this to yourself and hurt yourself trying to hang on to something that has never been yours. I would see other people if i were you.
I am not sure if you are intimate with him but he sounds like he sees you only when it's convenient for him.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (31 May 2016):
 Different strokes for different folks but this sounds all that little bit fishy too me. In order to save yourself the heart ache my advice would be to let him know that you just cant see things working with him living with his ex and that is, understandably an uncomfortable situation that you cant accept however. if sometime in the near future he does decide that this is not an ideal situation, especially if he is telling the truth and they are not still together, and gets a place on his own, then if you are still available to give you a call. Till then wish him well and don't look back. under these circumstances it really is just to messy.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (31 May 2016):
 Firstly, try to distance yourself, both now and in the future - developing such strong feelings in a few weeks, especially when you're not actually seeing or talking to each other that much, will definitely get you hurt.Also, you shouldn't meet his son for months after being in a committed relationship, not straight after you get in one, as it can create a revolving door of his parents' "friends", if it doesn't work out.Also, his son should come first over you until he's an adult, unless it's unreasonable and then his dad should put his foot down. How old is his son? If you're going to date fathers, value that they prioritise their child over you because that shows a good parent. Hopefully, if you were a mum, you'd prioritise your child over a companion, especially after only a few weeks of dating. As for frequency of dates, you won't always get to see anyone you date every week, let alone a busy parent - bear that in mind for the future.Living with his ex could be understandable because it is really expensive to live alone or find a roommate situation that is good for the son. However, it sounds like him not letting her know he's dating (he doesn't have to tell her it's you) means that they're probably not at the "ready to date other people" agreement stage or they're still somewhat together.I think you should walk away because the calling issue seems to be revealing a red flag about them.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (31 May 2016):
 The fact he feels his ex might cause problems suggests the marriage is not quite over and he is not free to form a relationship with you.
He is stringing you along.
His son has two parents, why does his having a child mean he cannot see you? Surely the parents would have sorted out some sort of roster for who has the boy when?
Its only been a few weeks, so get out while you can, because this man can only mean heartbreak for you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 May 2016):
 I don't think anyone who's still living with an ex should be out dating. Casual dining, hanging out maybe. Definitely not leading someone one until there's strong feelings. I know housing can be expensive, and under rare occasions you see can ex wives still living with husbands until a better housing option could be found, but feel peaceful about either of them dating someone else. The basic requirement to dating is that they both moved on, and there are no jealousy issues. Her stirring trouble because he's dating you, is a bad sign. It means she has power over him and can use her children as leverage against him as to control what he does in his life. That's also a sign that child custody has not been taken care of. He could be taking advantage of the fact that because she does not have to worry about rent, then as long as he behaves like a "good boy" and not fool around, then he does not have to pay the expensive court mandated child support. It could be that they are still together and he's fooling you. It could also be that they have an agreement. If they date, make it as discreet, and underground as possible.
I think you should realize that he pulled on your heart strings. He got a breath of fresh air, a fantasy of freedom by seeing you but his situation really does not serve you any good. You need to put your feelings on hold, or better, rethink about this relationship.
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