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female
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*vanna22
writes: I've been seing this guys for about two weeks. I like him and he says he likes me too. We're exclusive and not seing anyone else, but I wanna make it official. I want him to ask me to be his girlfriend. He said it's too soon, and that he JUST got out of a relationship and doesn't think is ready for another one soon. Well he got out of a 1 year relationship 3 months ago and I got out of an VERY abusive 3 years and 3 months relationship 2 weeks ago. I'm very glad i'm with this guy now and I think i'm ready to be his girlfriend. I think 3 months should be enough for him to be over his ex. I asked him if he misses her and he said yes, sometimes. Does he still have feelings for her and that's why he doesn't wanna be girlfriend and boyfriend with me yet??? I think he still has feelings for her. Or am I just rushing into this??? Do you think he really likes me???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): My dear, you cannot try to rush into a new relationship after only two weeks! Its way, way, way too soon to be even THINKING ABOUT exclusivity!
He just got out of a one-year relationship; you got out of one that was very abusive just two weeks ago. Three months is by no means enough time for him to be "over" his ex.
You are lonely and hurting, and needy. Believe me, the BEST way to drive a prospective boyfriend away is to be desperate, clinging and needy! If he senses that you are using him as a "fix" for your problems, he will be gone so fast......
You do need to be continuing in counselling. Perhaps if your mother can't afford the fees, you could ask your counsellor for a recommendation to someone else you could work with. Perhaps you could see if a clergy person or minister could talk to you. They don't normally charge. If you can feel comfortable doing that, it would certainly help.
You really do need - as rythmn and blues says, to be on your own right now, learning to like and respect yourself and thinking about how you got into and permitted the other man to abuse you. You need to get into social activities either alone, or with friends, that you really enjoy. If you have other fun, interesting things to get involved in you will feel less desperate. Again, if there is SOME way you can get back into counselling, I strongly urge you to do so......
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female
reader, Ivanna22 +, writes (30 October 2006):
Ivanna22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question That's excatly what i'm afraid of. That he's gonna think i'm too needy and I don't wanna scare him away cuz I know he likes me and respects me. Yeah, I guess I am rushing into things, but I just feel so lonely cuz of the break up and I feel like hanging out with him and getting his attetion will help me get through this break up quicker. I don't know what to do. I WAS seing a consuluor but my mom cannot afford it anymore so I don't have anyone to help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): Ok, you have been dating him for only 2 weeks, and already you are exclusive. He has a year long relationship that he ended 3 months ago, and you just got out of a very abusive relationship just 2 weeks ago which is exactly how long you have been exclusive with this guy and you wonder if you are rushing things? You don't once ask what it is that YOU want, but only why he isn't giving you his full attention. You are seeking his approval, not worried about whether or not you approve of him, if he is the right one for you.
You need to STOP looking for a fix by getting so tied up in an exclusive relationship with a guy. If you were in an abusive relationship just 2 weeks ago, you need to be alone with yourself and learn about who you are on your own, you need to learn to like being with yourself and love yourself and stand on your own before you can hope to share yourself and your love with another.
Right now you are desperately trying to avoid your own issues and feelings, being in an abusive relationship strips you of your individuality, your confidence and your sense of security and trust in others.
He probably does not want to be your boyfriend because he knows this or senses that you are to needy. NOt your fault that you are feeling this way after being abused, it is understandble, but you want to wait until you have a healthier outlook on things before you make another attempt at love. Please seek some professional help to help you get back to yourself.
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