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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend is so jealous/upset/dissapointed because of my past. It happened gradually... she knew about some stuff (past crushes, etc) when we started dating. It didn't bother him much then, he just asked me not to give him details, to talk about it the less I could. He knows some of the guys I was involved with. He knew I had had crushes on some of them, and that some of them had had crushes on me. He let me talk to them on MSN, or make small talk at the street. It wasn't much of a deal to him.However when I had to tell him (I lied about it first but immediately came clean) that I had given oral sex to the guy who had introduced us (NOTE: the oral sex incident happened WAY before I met my boyfriend!), he started to change and became restrictive. So, I still talked to this guys, but a few weeks later, I stopped talking to the oral sex guy.Then he started inquiring more and more about my past crushes/guys who had crushed on me, so I stopped talking to them altogether to avoid problems. I also stopped listening to som music that reminded him of them.However, as I see these guys in college, sometimes they'd talk to me and it'd be hard to ignore them. I talked to them for a while, only on MSN, behind his back. these guys knew it had to be a secret, because they know how jealous my boyfriend is. I didn't do anything with them, just shat a couple of times online. I no longer like them, they no longer like me, and it was all very innocent. I no longer talk to them anymore, and probably never will anymore.However, I'm wondering if I'm an awful girlfriend for having done this. Also now I'm paranoid, as what happens if my boyfriend finds out? He'd leave me and never trust me again. I know it may sound silly, but could karma affect this? Is it too awful? Do I deserve that he leaves me? What should I do? I'm so scared one day these guys may walk up to him and tell him that I talked to them behind his back! What would I do then? Am I awful, please be honest!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): im going through a similar thing with my gf but it involves her past and her lying about it and eventually it has come out, i am stuck between staying with her as she means the world to me or leaving her because she has lied and the trust i had has gone, so i can understand your bfs anxiety bout it all i think if you just told him it might be awkward for a while but he will settle n come round because in the end you told him nobody else, its taken u a year but still its come from you, if he catches you out he may leave you, i had to find out the hard way and it hurts and f**ks with your head so jus have a chat n tell him its killing you hiding it and you care bout him so much you dont wanna keep secrets from him
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): All men have an inner desire to guarantee fathership off their offspring. If their partner is sexually promiscuous the man as one of two options, to become possessive or to close his eyes and pray.
The key thing here is to realise sex was designed to create babies. Period.
Some people use, but more importantly see it as a recreation, like pop music or drugs.
Until you can make the connection between sex and peoples actions, youre going to struggle with relationships.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 You are not an awful girlfriend. His behavior is not appropriate. What makes you believe that anyone has the right to dictate who you talk to and who you don't.
Relationships are based solely on choice. You choose to be with him, he to you. The choice can lead to people who choose not to be with the other. Now, within this choice, you have the right to condone your business as you see fit. Talk to who you want too. Go where you want too. In most relationships it's a violation of the relationship to cross the boundaries and become sexually active with someone else. If that were to happen, that too would be a choice. In making that choice, the violated partner could then make a choice to forgive and work it out, or to leave that relationship.
The point here is restricting your right to choose. The only part of you that is his business at all is after you began dating. What happened before is none if his business. It's almost expected when dating someone knew, they'd had some sexual past. If that was really an issue, there would be many more single people.
He needs to deal with his insecurities. All though he's placing blame on you, that's not where the blame needs to be placed. They're his and his to deal with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): I posted this question.
By the way, I can't come clean now: this happened in September last year. He'll leave me if I tell him
Is this considered cheating? I mean, I trust him, and if he hid that he was talking to his ex or his former crush, I don't think I'd mind... I don't know them personally though, so maybe it's different for him? Maybe he'd feel cheated on?
I swear I would've never have done anything with them! I just talked to them, but I feel as if deserved to be hurt because of this, I feel paranoid that he'll find out, and I feel stupid, I don't know, what should I do?
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