A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have really bad trust issuses with my boyfreind, the problem is he has never done anything to betray my trust. My ex boyfreind cheated on me so much and i never found out till we had broken up...Im jsut worride my boyfreind is doing the same. Even if it is a little thing like he dosent answer his phone, or is busy and has to ring me back i freak out cause i think maybe he is upto something like cheating..I dont show that im worride but it is really starting to get to me..How do you learn to trust someone again..I have talked to him about it and he understands and promises me he will never do it but i find it hard to belive that...Can someone please give me advise?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 A man who doesn't trust himself can never truly trust anyone else."
Cardinal de Retz
"Trust your instincts. Be true to yourself."
Catherine Pulsife
Trust has to be earned and not freely given.
Trust but do not trust completely because we are only human and bound to make mistakes.
Promises may not be kept .
Don't set your expectations too high or you will be disappointed.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): What i find works for me is to get some clean sheets of unruled paper. On one write your name of your ex, then gradually add pen/paint marks until it is virtually full. Study it for a while because this is the lecacy your ex as left you. When youve finished get a clean sheet and write the name of your new man, frame it and put it on the wall.
Then give him your trust.
Screw the old dirt sheet up and bin it.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (12 May 2008):
 This is a pretty unfair situation for your current boyfriend - although having been burnt in the past I can understand your fears and trust issues. It is good that you have enough insight to recognise that your concerns stem from past grievances - now you just need to figure out how to stop them ruining your current relationship.
The crucial thing in your message is that your boyfriend now has "done nothing to betray your trust" - hold onto that. I think talking with your BF about your fears is a good idea - but not too much, if he feels mistrusted and like he's walking on egg shells you're likely to drive a wedge between you anyway. Why don't you read or talk to a counsellor about stratgies that you can use to reduce your anxiety, and perhaps work out some small things your BF could do to reassure you - like letting you know if his usual routine will vary.
In the end you are going to have to hold your breath and jump in - that's what trust is....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Honey, your ex boyfriend cheated on you, and that's not nice, but it's all in the past now. He was a different time period. He was a different guy. These guys don't have anything in common! So you've got to get this established in your head, even though you might already know, because until you've broken this habit of thinking he's up to something, you'll never be able to trust him. Sit down your boyfriend and talk to him, because talking builds friendship which builds trust. And you're half way there as you've already got a great friendship and relationship by the sounds of it.
Once you've talked to him about it, then you will feel so much better. It doesn't matter if all he says is he wouldn't cheat, it'll make you feel better anyone. As they say, a problem shared is a problem halved. Time will make this all better for you honey, it really is the greatest healer. Just try to forget about this scumbag of a guy you used to be with, and concentrate on a lovely future with your current guy. Good luck :]
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A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 I think that as time goes by, you're going to grow to trust your new boyfriend. The problem is the bad experience you had is seriously haunting your present situation. If there's any way to let this go, it would be to (rightfully) assign the blame on the ex-BF that did the cheating... it was his doing, his poor choices and poor actions. You should not be mentally paying for that. In your head, give him all the baggage you're caring around and think to yourself that it was his fault, not yours.
The most important thing to keep in your head is that your current boyfriend shouldn't be paying the price for one ex-BF that made bad choices. I know it's hard to clean the slate and give the new boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, but unfortunately that's exactly how you have to handle this... after all, he didn't cheat on you and deserves your full attention... not you with a suspect thought in your head that it *might* happen again... you can't do that to him in all fairness...
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