A
female
age
41-50,
*istrot
writes:I hate the fact that I want advice on this. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Unfortunately, we only get to see each other on the weekends because we are both in college and live about an hour away from each other. But we talk for hours every weekday. Our weekends are great, and most of our weekdays are great too. During high school, my boyfriend used to smoke marijuana. I didn't know him then and as far as I'm concerned, the past is the past. However, once in a while - not often - my boyfriend will go out with a friend or a friend will come over to his house (on a weekday). I know his friends still smoke and I know that when they're together, he will too. And I hate it. Whenever he goes out with his friends, I have no idea if they are going to smoke but I'm always anxious about it. We've talked about it multiple times and he would definitely choose me over pot in a heartbeat if I set an ultimatum for him, but I don't want to do that... He would never smoke around me and his friends know that I dislike it so they don't do anything when I'm around too. When we fight about it, he always says that he's no different; that we're no different because of it... and that's true, nothing really changes from it because it's so sparse. I don't know why it bothers me so much and I can't tell him who to be friends with... so what is there left to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): i am in the exact situation...i am deeply in love with my boyfriend and it hurts me to know that he uses.one minute he gives it up, and the next he tries to hide it from me and it hurts even worse finding out that he lied. i really don't want to give up our relationship but, i grew up in a home where drug abuse was rampant. i do not want to put myself through that again. it's rather hard trying to explain that to my pothead boyfriend who is developing a one track mind. i really have no advice on this subject because i am at a loss myself...
A
male
reader, NextHowardStern +, writes (7 March 2008):
Well, I honestly can't help you make the decision what you should do. The decison is ultimatly yours. I guess I can tell you what I tell both of my friends. "I think you both should move on. Its obvious that your priorites aren't the same. And both of you have trust issues going on, I think its time you call it quits. Neither one of you care about each other anymore."
I have seen this relationship go on one HELL of a roller coaster ride because of crap. Pot is number 1 in my buddys life, not even his children. His kids mother can't stand that she is 3 in line of importance.
Your definatly not overreacting. Sounds like your man is chronic pot smoker, and needs help. He needs to understand that there are much more important things in life than smoking pot. Sure, it may make him feel good for a while, but he is slowly throwing his life away on the shit, and doesn't realize how good he has things right now. You need to help him see that, if you have any intentions of ever being happy with him.
Its sounds like with the trust issues combined that you both share together...you have a problem. If you have no trust, you have no relationship. That is one of the key items you need in a relationship. Another thing is that you are in it for the long haul, but obviously he doesn't care how many times you have shared your feelings with him. He doesn't even have the respect to honor your request! I am more than 100% postive you have probably talked to him about stopping in the past.
I think you should give him an ultimatim. And thats only because, I don't like the crap. You should make him choose, you or pot. And see what he chooses. You may be shocked to learn the truth!
Keep me posted please. Good luck!
Currently, my 2 friends, my buddy, has a warrant out now, and expected to get arrested anytime. His kids mother, is going to turn herself in tommorrow morning.
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A
female
reader, distrot +, writes (7 March 2008):
distrot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess another question is this... whenever he goes out with his friends, I want to ask him, "Did you guys smoke?" But when I have done that in the past, he feels as though I don't trust his ability to make decisions for himself. The answer is sometimes yes and sometimes no, so I can never tell if he had unless I ask. Do I just have trust issues? Am I being ridiculous? I hate the fact that it bothers me... it just does... I'm in this relationship for the long haul and I'm afraid what this casual pot use may translate to in the future. (He knows all of this... he's heard my complaints and concerns many many times!) So, should I confront him about it every time, should I just try to get over it, what should I do??
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A
male
reader, NextHowardStern +, writes (6 March 2008):
Thats a bad situation. I have 2 friends, they have 3 kids together. He has been arrested for domestic violence once already. He just served his time for the charge. For the past 4 years, hes whooped the shit out of her. Although, I have to say, she sometimes deserved it. I would never do it. Although, there are times, I will admit, I would have liked to slap this girl too. I do not in any way agree with how bad he's whooped the crap out of her, nor for the reasons. Hes a bad pot smoker too. Hes also my best friend. I have told him that I don't agree with him smoking, or the abuse. He says he "has to smoke pot, just to deal with her." Today, currently, hes awaiting charges of domesitic violence, he punched her in the head so hard, he broke his hand in 2 places. He's due in court this afternoon. Hes got a 2 warrant out. She now has a warrant for harrassment on him. And, also there is a order of protection on completion of the jail time for both of them. I don't know if its the use of pot for 10+ years or what exactly it is. I don't know too much of the effects of it. But be careful, or you may someday find yourself in a situation very similar. Good luck to you!
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (6 March 2008):
 its not that bad to use occasionally. regular use is far more likely to cause problems. Its not really anyones place to control another but the desire to do so can be strong.
telling him how bad it is will porbably piss him off and if its not directly causing problems you need to find a way to relax about things.
if he had a high powered job with lots of drug tests or was behaving badly as a result then i could see your point of view but he's in college and being a good person so let this go. Part of relationships is knowing when to let things go-if you cant maybe you should end things.
cannabis is not a demon drug and alcohol is certainly worse contrary to what people are told in the U.S.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): marijuana is amazing. I smoke marijuana multiple times a day, and sex becomes pretty intense when im on it. maybe he's smoking it to heighten his pleasure during sex? i dunno, some people do that, but even so, it's just pot, and if you did reasearch, studies you would find show that pot has no actual links to lung cancer. It just makes you relaxed. The girl I'm with used to be against me smoking, but then realized that it really doesn't change who you are in any way at all, you're still the same person, capable of doing the same exact things as before you went and got high ;)
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 March 2008):
 You can either accept him or you can choose to walk away from him.
If he really loves you , he will give up pot.
Those are his vices and it is not easy to give them up unless he loves you deep enough to give up for you.
We have our own views and others may not share the same views with us. There should be a compromise or middle ground if you want to carry on this relationship.
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (6 March 2008):
 HEY!!
Well hon i know exactly how you feel, that used to be how my boyfriend of 2 years was, he used to smoke it regularly but i got him to altogether stop it. You need to set the boundaries with him, tell him you aren't happy with him smoking it, and you dont want him to do it alltogether because it is a drug.. I had an ex that smoked it every day and the day he didn't have any he looked and felt so depressed..
GOOD LUCK! Feel free to mail me at any time x x x
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