A
female
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*issyJ
writes:cutting a long story short, my boyfriend broke up with me in a pretty shitty way last June. I was heartbroken, We spoke and sometimes we were going to sort things and sometimes we weren't, sometimes he was falling at my feet and the other he would be not talking..i dont think he was sure what he wanted. Anyway, somehow, we ended up back together in October, and he's been a completely different person since, he's completely devoted to me and I know it, and he's sooo good to me, i would never have gotten back with him if he hadnt chanegd. But the only problem is, he had a one night stand in August on a drunk weekend away while we were apart. I know he's done nothing wrong, we weren't talking at the particular time it happened because i was really angry about something and had been ignoring him (yes i blame myself everyday for the hurt i feel now as i feel i caused him to do what he did.) But i just dont know how to get over it, we've been back together 8 months and i cant get it out of my head it destroys me every day, any suggestions?? was she just a rebound because i was ignoring him and it hurt him so this was his coping mechanism or is just not trustworthy ? :( i dont know what to think because its not like he felt guilty and spoke to me straight away after, i rang him up pouring my heart out that i was sorry and ddnt have a clue what he had already done. he says sorry to me all the time and that he regrets it, but i just cant get this crazy drunken night of passion out of my head, any answers are appreciated...:(
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reader, dirtball  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 This will not heal without effort from BOTH of you. "I'm sorry" isn't effort, it's an apology.
Like moinonplus said, you did not "cause" him to do this. He did this of his own free will. You need to stop blaming yourself for something you didn't do. Everyone wants to be in control of their own life, but really, we don't control much of what happens. Learning to let go is very difficult, but will also help you in the long run if you're able to do it.
You've been together for 8 months since then. What have you done to rebuild your trust? How is your communication? Have you discussed what drove you to the break? Have you worked on those problems? Is it possible for you to trust him again?
You need to think about these questions, and consider what you have and have not done. A relationship cannot survive the way you are going now. If you forgive him, and want to be with him, then you need to let this go, and he needs to show you why you should still trust him.
A
female
reader, MissyJ +, writes (28 April 2011):
MissyJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou, i definitely bring it up a lot and attack him about it, which like you say makes it worse, perhaps ive made a habit of this :s hopefully time can heal this !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Wow, that is hard. I'm sorry you are going through this.
First of all, you didn't "cause" him to do this by ignoring him--he got drunk and chose to do it himself.
I would say, allow yourself to feel every single thing that you feel. Then decide if this is the relationship you want. It sounds like you love each other and are committed to moving forward together, so if you want to stay in it, you will have to work very hard on focusing on your present and future together. He also needs to help you through that, because after all it's caused by what he did. HOWEVER, while you should let him know all your feelings about it (which it sounds like you have already), it will only tear you apart if you periodically give him a hard time about it again and again. Seek outside help (besides internet forums) to deal with it. People have even gotten over infidelity, so it is possible to get through this. I have never been in your situation but I feel for you.
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