A
female
age
,
*ueeny63
writes:I've been dating this man for 14 months, I thought everything was going well. until 3 weeks ago he told me he went to visit his son from his former gf who only lets him see the child when she wants to, and he works double shifts he can only go when he is off. She has created so much troube for him, he is a reserved hardworking man, and has a kind heart. I've been there for him when things have been tough on him, and when he told me he had sex with her and that she called to tell him she was pregnant...he said he wanted to die, and the first thing he thought of was I was goint to leave!! I told him that they trust is gone, and the thought of them together has emotionally and physically sickened me, although I don't know what she looks like, but she does not like me. FOrgiveness is hard, he has asked for forgivenss and states that he has never done this before..his family and friends back him up..but I was lied to and betrayed. He has never lied to me, and we both car for each other,,,so this was quite a shock. He has tried to make things better, and I do love him, but I feel like hurting him. I would never cheat but I just want to confront her also and tell her that I am still in the picture, that was the first thing she asked if I was still sticking around, she is evil, she has 4 kids from diff dads, and my boyfriend is the only one paying child support for his child. He said this was his worst mistake that he has made and will never do it again, he still doesn't know whyhe did it, he is a stong and reserved man and he cried and asked for forgiveness and says this would never happen again..now we have to wait for the paternity test to be taken, he does not want to talk about the incident, but I keep probing for answers, I do want to talk to her as 2 rational adults, but something is holding me back, I don't want to lower myself to her standards either, I have class!!! Help...God has given me peace...but I need to know should I stay...I do love him...I can't believe that this has happened to me...I NEVER thought I would say those words !
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female
reader, queeny63 +, writes (19 May 2007):
queeny63 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell thank you all...we are still together...we are taking it day by day...he promises it won't happen again...trust is so hard to give on certain days...but I do pray...on Monday, she had the doctor call my boyfriend to tell him that she had lost the baby, and a d&c was performed...she made him feel so guilty, he says he is quite sure it wasn't his, I have been asking around about this woman, and everyone has told me she is trouble and a liar and lives for child support..he is paying for one child...the other fathers are not...I want to talk to her, but people have told me to stay away that she is trouble..we are supposed to be mature adults...I at times bring the topic up and my bf wants to forget about it, how can I when he has to visit the child...he hardly gets to see him, only when she wants him to...I know he will be going this weekend...and I shutter at the thought that he will be in her presence after a month and a half...she doesn't like me but she likes no one,,and she doesn't know me..should I try to talk to her..and tell her to bug off and show me respect...I know my bf has to tell her also...how can I get this feeling to go away and trust him...he hates bringing up the topic..but he has to go over there...I'm fine and then I feel hurt afterwards...should I still feel this way...I trusted with all my heart now its so hard to bring that feeling back...should I believe him....he says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me...and he has told his ex gf this..she is evil!!! help.......
A
female
reader, queeny63 +, writes (19 May 2007):
queeny63 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for giving me advice on what to do...we are still together, its hard, some days are easier than others, but we are trying to work this out, well about the impending pregancy, she called him on Monday to tell him that she had lost the baby, and that a d&c was performed. I don't believe her, I don't think she was pregnant, I have been told that she is a compulsive liar...I still want to hear it from her mouth, but my friends have told me to stay away from her...my bf says there will be no more contact with this person...he has suffered enough,,,he says...I know I must try to trust him, but when he goes over and visits the first child he had with his ex gf....I jsut feel this wave of terror that she will try anything to do it again...rememeber she hates me although she has never met me!! I can't stop him from visiting the child...he hardly gets to see him, and he feels bad...I don't want to constantly bring this topic up, I really care, and he has apologized a million times for his terrible deed....but the thought of him going to that home just gets me so sick...am I wrong to want to talk to her and tell her to stop the nonsence..she has done the same thing with one of the other kids fathers' and that man has a girlfriend but this woman does not care who she hurts....I've never been in a situation like this, how can I stop worrying???help.......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): Dear queeny63You are only hearing one side of this story b4 u make ur mind up if you want to know the truth u need 2 tlk to the ex them come to ur own conclusion as this will not go away and mite even happen again if u make the wrong choice sorry for you.
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A
female
reader, queeny63 +, writes (1 May 2007):
queeny63 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you all for helping me with my dilemma. One day I'm feeling good and others I feel horrible....but I will re-read your answers and I will then decide!!! Thanks!!!!!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): I totally agree with Eddie. How did he get from the front door to the bedroom if she is so bad?? Ask yourself how he would feel if that had been you jumping into bed with your ex and you had got pregnant, ER, think about it, i bet he wouldn't of been very pleased.
Sorry, but if i was you i would finish with him now. No matter how hard he cried he doesn't deserve a lovely person like yourself.
You only live once and why should you have to go through this? Why did he do this terrible thing to you?
She was probably trying to get him into bed before and he has succumbed now with dire results.
Please be strong and get rid. What good can come from this relationship. You will always be picturing the scene in your head. It will get worse when the baby is born. What if it is his. More maintenance money to pay. It is his child, he will want to see it.
No way would i be hanging around right now. Get rid.
Take care, be strong and let me know how things go. Don't be a door mat!
xx
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 April 2007):
 What I find difficult to understand are the qualities you say your man has compared to the deed he did. This other women doesn't sound like a real prize but your man still jumped into bed with her. If she's so rotten, how did he get from the front door to the bedroom?
He may be sorry. This will be a test on your relationship and take time to forgive. He's not as reserved and kind hearted as you think though or he wouldn't have done this to you. It would be just as easy to paint and evil picture of him as you've painted of the other women. Somewhere in the middle is the truth.
Take your time and see how you feel. He needs to get tested for STD's though if this women is as promiscuous as you make her sound.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): This is such a hard letter to read. How terrible to know that it is possible to be so much loved and yet still betrayed. How vulnerable we all are in our relationships.
But I do suspect that having done this once and felt how it is, to know that you have betrayed one person that you love, it will not happen again. He is feeling the impact of the pain as much as you are and I know he feels ashamed. It seems that she is a controlling type, so she probably only has the children and sex to use to get what she wants. It does not sound as though she has any qualities that would make people particularly like her, the opposite in fact.
I am sure he will work hard to overcome this, as he must. You need somebody to speak to who is not family to help you value yourself, know that it was not about you, it was about him. There must be ways and things you can do to help you not focus too much on the intimate aspects of what happened.
There must have been unfinished business between them and although she is not familiar to you, she must still feel familiar to him. In those circumstances perhaps it does not feel like being unfaithful. Maybe it is more like wandering into an room you used to know for the last time before selling a house. Or putting on an old pair of slippers for the last time before putting them in the bin. Why don't you think of her as old slippers - would that help?!
The pain is like big waves crashing over you. As each wave comes all you can do is think that it will pass over. Time will make them smaller and smaller and as they shrink you will be closer and closer to your partner. Doing what he has done has made him realise how necessary it is to break from the past and how destructive she is. Spend time doing the things you enjoy, take some pampering time for yourself.
I have a friend that this happened to and she and her husband got over it, he slept with his ex wife early on in their relationship. They are still together 15 years later.
IT is very important that he does not speak to her without you knowing. No texts, no nothing. Apart from childcare arrangements and the legal stuff that you are doing. I think he needs to be very loud and clear with her.
What a beautiful person you are, you reap what you sow and I am sure that you will reap a whole lot of love and gratitude from your partner because of it. She will reap an unhappy life and no satisfaction from her efforts to disrupt everyone elses lives. You have what she wants and she can't have what she wants. Hard luck on her.
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