A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy in the states this winter whom i started dating. He is from Australia and we hit it off and had a thing for about 3 months then he left back to Australia. We discussed that it would be dumb for us to be together because were in two different countries so we said we were allowed to see other people. He left at the end of May and then we continued talking to each other every day through Facebook messages and Skype occasionally. But I thought our relationship was really progressing further so it gave me hope because he would tell me his missed me and we started calling each other babe and other little things.The problem is, he has slept with a lot of girls in his past and I know that but that was before me and I cant judge people on what happened before me. But recently, I found out he had sex with two women in June, and though that was what we were allowed to do I feel hurt considering we still talked every day and talked about me visiting. He then asked me about what I had been doing and when he asked about me, I told him I've kissed 7 guys and had been dating around. He thinks im a hypocrit and that its the same thing but I don't think so at all. I chose not to sleep or do anythign sexual with these people because I had hope for us. I was just doing it because I needed a distraction from him, which didn't really work. Kissing is one thing, sex is another.Flash forward to now, September, I am now I am his girlfriend and i'm visiting him in a week in Australia and we are going to re-evaluate things then.However, I am still hurt and disgusted and mad and have all these emotions that I dont know how to control. I don't know how to perceive this or get past it. I have talked to him about it, but of course he thinks he is in the right because that is what we discussed. I just keep picturing him being intimate with other girls and it kills me. It's creating insecurities I didnt know I had and dont know how to see this as a "no big deal" thing.How can I see this in a positive light without focusing on the fact that he slept with two other girls and picturing him doing the same things he does with me with them even though we werent technically together then? I dont want this to cause problems in our relationship.Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2014): I wouldn't trust him. He hasa horrible attitude towards sex. Why would he be sleeping with women and then skyping you calling you babe. I don't blame you for feeling like this at all. These are your instincts and women's intuition screaming out to you. Don't ignore these feelings. They are real.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 September 2014):
 You've never been "official". You both made an agreement to see other people, and the reasoning is that you knew that an exclusive LDR wasn't something either of you were interested in.
You guys had a holiday fling. The fact that both of you were talking and are fond of each other doesn't just infer exclusivity, especially since both of you made it clear that you did NOT want to be exclusive.
If you want a guy to be exclusive with, find someone who lives near you...AND, have the conversation about being exclusive. You were hoping that he had feelings for you that would make him not want sex with anyone else. You ego has been bruised because he continued his old ways and went to get laid.
You did the same thing, because exclusivity means that you don't kiss 7 guys! Who cares about whether or not you sleep with them or kiss them. You got close and cuddly with more guys, something you would never do if you had in fact been exclusive.
He's been honest with you every step of the way, both in being clear to you that you both were dating other people, AND telling you the number of women he has slept with. What more do you want?
You can't have it both ways, nor can you say one thing and secretly hope for another. If you can't handle this, then you need to leave him and find a guy who is local. Never assume anything. If you want exclusivity, you must find someone capable and willing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): You really need to relax. He was not your boyfriend, you both agreed on that and he was thousands of miles away. How was he supposed to know that he was going to even see you again? He didn't! I get it though. Even though you both agreed it was goodbye, maybe not forever, but for that time, because you were talking everyday and distance didn't seem to pose a barrier to your interest in each other, you feel kinda led on. Here he is calling you everyday, referring to you as his babe, meanwhile he was sleeping with other chicks. I see your point. However, it is what it is. Men often need things spelled out for them. Clearly he liked you and still does and that is why he stayed in touch with you and missed you but because of the distance and because of the agreement you two came to, he did not know that you two would end up becoming an item. As long as you remain long distance, you two need to stop discussing your sexual affairs. Unless you two are planning to move close to each other, it is ridiculous to assume that either of you will be celibate. But just because it is happening does not mean you need to hear about it. But you have got to face reality. If you do not want him sleeping with other girls, one of you has got to move close to the other. It is so unreasonable to assume otherwise. Stop asking him about his sex life and stop divulging yours. You don't need to know, look what it has done? You feel hurt. You should absolutely expect that he most definitely is sleeping with other girls. But you don't need to know about it. So chill out. Go there and have fun. Don't lose sight of the fact that you both live very far away from each other. Go there and show him what a great girl you are. The great girl he is missing out on. Don't go there and show him this unreasonable side of you, because he is just going to get turned off and the calls and contact will become fewer and farther between. Enjoy yourself! I hear Australia is rad. Have FUN.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 September 2014):
 This is ridiculous. You are angry at him for not knowing he was in an exclusive relationship, because YOU had the hopes that you would be in one. You didn't discuss it with him, you didn't talk about it, you just decided that YOU wouldn't sleep with anyone because YOU think it's such a big difference from kissing (really?). And then what...? You get angry at him for not.. exactly what did he not do? Read you mind?!?! Know automatically that someone out there in the world has the HOPES that they might be exclusive with him, so he should never sleep with anyone because heaven forbid a woman he in the future ends up being exclusive with decided he shouldn't have....? He should just know this?
OMG, seriously woman. I agree with him, you're a hypocrite. You don't get to sit on a high horse and pretend to be so much better than him when you fooled around with God knows how many guys, just because you didn't SLEEP with them. That's nit picking. You were doing the exact same thing he was doing, it's just that YOU don't like that he had a life without you in it, and you don't like that he wasn't pining over you all this time, and you don't like that he lived his life without you there. You wanted him to be all wrapped up in YOU and no other women, because you are selfish. You did NOT keep yourself for him and him alone in this time, you were fooling around with others, and the difference between making out and having sex is in this case non existent. Because the point is: you weren't in a relationship, and you BOTH got involved with other people. Even if you kept yourself in celibacy for him and worshiped his picture every morning that STILL doesn't give you the right to look down your nose at him for what he did. He wasn't your boyfriend!!!
I don't know where your insecurity and self righteousness comes from, but they are your problems, not his, and you need to deal with them. Or else you should just end this relationship before it goes any further. You aren't insecure because of what HE did though, that much I can tell you. Your insecurity comes from somewhere else, and it's just using this as a petty excuse to feed itself and grow stronger.
How can you see "this" in a positive light? There is no "this". He was single, and what he does when single is none of your business. Now he's with you. If you can't handle the answer, then don't ask the questions. If you can't stop focusing on the things he did while SINGLE, then you must not know about what happened when he was single. This is something you, as an adult, need to know about yourself and draw the line for yourself! You need to say to yourself that "no, this is none of my business, and I don't need to know, nor do I want to know". Your job is to set restrictions for yourself. Your job is to keep yourself in check. Thats not his job. And it's not his job either to comfort you or prove his love to you by not being involved with anyone while single. If you have a problem with that, then you need to look deep down into yourself and figure out WHY this is such a problem for you. Because you are blowing it out of proportions, and you are jeopardizing the entire relationship while at it. Never mind you are hurting your boyfriend. He doesn't deserve this treatment from you.
I hope you find your way out of this self destructive pattern and become a happier person with fewer worries. If the problem becomes bigger, I advise you to seek therapy. It helps, it really does help.
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