A
female
age
,
*hailand
writes:i have been marriage for 18 years with four children.we are from the uk and have lived in thailand for the past two years,my hasband committed adultry with our live in thai maid for ten months before i caught them.she has gone and he said he was sorry.I was about to sign the divorce papers,when i decided to give the marrigage another go,Its four month now,i still love him but i can't let it drop.i keep bringing the maid up because i still feel betrayed and hurt.we sleep in different bedrooms as i cant get the pictures out of my head of them two together.you cant get counceling in thailand.should i stay or call it a day and will he do it again.
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male
reader, KhunJohn +, writes (17 March 2011):
 If you love him still then you should go to consoling and voice how you feel to a third party and see what they say. Maybe it will shed some new light on it either way. Maybe it is to broke to fix or maybe it just needed a neutral party to help pave the way. What he did is wrong but maybe he is now seeing that and it just needs to have all things aired. Maybe there is a reason or so he felt so see her maybe she persued him not that I am saying that is right. In Thai culture it is very exceptable to have a Mia Yai(main wife) and Mia noi (second wife) Maybe she was looking for abit of support as in money/lifestlye. Alot of younger Thai women date and see older men as the older man is set as in good job and wealth. Your husband was wrong but maybe also slightly innocent? What are his thoughts on all this?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): divorce and forget him....
be at peace.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): This is Thailand and the capital is "Bang...Kok". Get the inference?
This is a Kingdom built for men and multiple sex partners. I don't see how any man with a normal testosterone count could not have multiple partners when traveling to or living full time in Thailand. I know it may be hard to accept, but monogamy is a flawed principle, especially if you live in Thailand.
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A
female
reader, NuttyGooner  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 Hi there,
I'm sorry you have to go through this - I was going through exactly the same thing when I was younger. Whenever my father had his visiting day, he would pick us up, drop my brother and me off at one of his friend's place and go off with whichever woman he happened to be seeing that week, and when he did talk to me, he did the "20 questions" - he wasn't interested in what my brother and I were up to, he was trying to find out what my mum was upto through my brother and myself - it was horrible.
It's not only your mother's choice to do what is best for her and for you, but it's up to your father to be the responsible parent when you are in his care. I can only offer my empathy to you, and hope that you and your brother will no longer be in the crossfire soon.
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A
female
reader, thailand +, writes (10 February 2007):
thailand is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi my mum wrote to you about my dad and the maid. I am 12 years old and i have a brother that is 15. The day we found out it was the same day we were going back to boarding school. My mum was always sad and shouting at us about it, but that is fair because my mum has been with my dad for 18 years every day of my life and now seeing them shouting and crying everytime makes us sad too. Well my opinion to all of this is that we should spend some time away from him. Because he always lies to me and my mum and one time he even denied sleeping with the maid!!. all the time he tries to get through my brother because he is a shy person and wont answear back, me and my mum will answear back to anything that is against our opinions.And when we drive past places with women with short skirts he always takes his eyes off the road and puts our lives in danger by glueing his eyes to the thai's. Thats all i can think of for now i'll write again some time and thanks for listning.
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A
female
reader, NuttyGooner +, writes (9 February 2007):
Hi there,
You gave him one more chance - he sqaundered it.
If you keep giving him these "one more chances" of course he will carry on and you will start losing your own self-esteem and feel it was your own fault. I've seen it happen to my mother when my father was cheating on her repeatedly. It is a hard decision especially when children are involved, but my mother chose to leave him and take myself and my brother with her I was only four at the time, but the hold he had on her, and being made to call strange women "mummy" every other week was a horrble reminder of my father- I feel she did the right thing.
I know what I would have done, and believe me, there is no such thing as a second chance with me, because I deserve better - and so do you and your children.
Your children will prefer to be in a happy home with one parent, than in a household with no trust with both parents.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, thailand +, writes (8 February 2007):
thailand is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wrote to you early jan 2007 after i caugh my husband with our live in maid in thailand.we moved to thailand two years ago to live the dream life in the sun .our two children go to school in thailand.the affair went on in our home for ten months.I went back to the Uk with the boys to proseed with divoring him,I ask people on your site was i doing the right thing after 18 years of marriage.half said yes, say with him and work it out the other half said a cheat is always a cheat.So i gave him another chance.Six weeks after returning from the Uk to give our marriage another go.i found her address and photo hidden in the post of the bed.Of course he denies it and dosen't know how it got there.My life is all upside again.Should i restart the divorce again.
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A
female
reader, thailand +, writes (10 January 2007):
thailand is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank-you to everybody who took the time to help me try and sort out my marriage problems.
im now back in thailand with my husband and children and yes after eighteen years of marriage,i have decided to give it a go.only time will tell if i have made the right decision.
i will take one day at the time.even thou i still find it very hard to forgive him for turning mine and the childrens life upside down.
He needs to regain the respect of the children and myself before i allow him back into my bedroom.thankyou again.
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A
male
reader, cherub +, writes (8 January 2007):
 Sorry to hear of your problem,firstly. Secondly with regards to whether you should go or stay,you have answered the question in a way as you said you still love him.
What happened caused you tremendous pain and he was extremely silly to do it.Most men are weak,think from our loin,and when someone exotic,possibly younger presented themself then logic and commitment goes out of the window.I am not making out excuses for him,but it is possible that he has come to his senses,still love you,treasure the children and believe in another 18 years with you.He will need to works his socks off to regain your trust,constantly communicate with you honestly about the health of your marriage,understand your hurt and try to ease it like maybe spending some quality time together(when you are ready to let him)without the children.Please don't think he wanders because of you,it is his ego got massage and fell for it.
To forgive takes time,to forget never but learning from a bad situation and progress positively is not a bad thing.
No counselling in thailand,maybe you have close friends you can share the burden with or if you have someone back here in the uk then it is a possibility to talk to one another via msn messenger with a microphone and it is not that expensive.
Some people say a cheater will always be a cheater,but I feel his is due to the circumstances and opportunity,hence if he is not actively going out looking for it then it may not happen again.Furthermore 18 years of I presume of a good marriage is worth giving it another try.
Best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): Adultry can be about the narcissim and selfishness of the adulterer, but it is more often about the problems or health of the marriage relationship.
Ask yourself how healthy your marriage has been lately...did the move to Thailand cause a marital riff, are you unhappy there and have been distant from your husband prior to the affair? Of course cheating is never acceptable as a way to hide from or cope with problems, but it may help you start a dialogue with your husband, allow you to forive him and move forward with rebuilding the relationship...both of you will have to do the work if this is to happen.
Definately get counseling in the US, but until then you need to start talking and your husband needs to understand how much this has hurt you and apologize to you deeply.
I don't know if he will do it again, if he has cheated on you in the past, most likely he will, but if this is a one time thing, it is more about how happy has been in your marriage, it is a shane he chose to turn away from you instead of bring the problems out in the opne to work on them....you have an 18 year history together, so I would say there is immense hope for saving it as you have built something here that many never do....so stay strong and do the work .... if you can I would suggest trying to get the image out of your mind and one way to do that is to make love to your husband....good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (8 January 2007):
 None of us can predict the future, so we can't say whether or not he will do this again, so the real issue lies with "Should you stay or should you go?" An 18 year marriage is not something you should give up on easily, and your husband should have thought of that before cheating, but since that is the situation you find yourself in, you BOTH must deal with it. I would recomment asking yourself a few questions before deciding if you should leave or not.
1.) Is this marriage worth saving?
2.) Was his infidelity out of character for him?
3.) Are there underlying issues that may have contributed to his wavering committment that need to be addressed also?
4.) Can I forgive him for this?
5.)Is he willing to do what it takes to work on this marriage too?
6.) Does he understand that he will need to work very hard to regain your trust?
7.) Do you understand that trusting him again will not be easy, but in order for this marriage work that is what you will have to do?
8.) Are thier children involved, and if so how will this impact them? Example: are they near maturity and will be leaving in a few years, where holding off on dissolving the marriage may be better? Or are they very young and the emotional damage to them witnessing the discord between you and your husband be too damaging?
9.) How long will you be staying in Thailand? Are you returning home where counseling will be availible soon?
and lastly,
10.) Is all other aspects of the relationship between the two of you good enough to make it worth investing yourself in for another 18 years?
This is not an easy situation, and I do not envy you. But this is what has presented itself to you, and what you need to deal with. Think through the above questions, add your own, be honest with yourself AND with your husband, and then make your desicion. Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): Poor you. That is the ultimate to catch them together. I know i would not be able to cope with that image in my head. You will know yourself just how you feel but it would have to get a divorce and get away from this man, the maid who you trusted with your kids and your husband who you trusted! No sorry but i couldn't forgive, forget or have him in my life. It would take more than counselling to get my mind back on track. Sorry, to this probably isn't what you want to hear. I would get rid, a leopard never changes its spots.
Take care and you deserve better and should go for it.
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): I personally could not stay in a marriage if my Husband cheated, but you need to decide if you can fogive him and move on. If its too upsetting to stay with him than you really should get a divorce, I know your a long way from home and it might be a massive upheval to divorce this man, but if you cant forgive him then its the best thing to do.
I hope I have helped you.
XX
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