A
female
age
41-50,
*rae
writes:My bf of 6 years, Lee, and I are struggling with trust issues due to betrayals by both of us (I slept with 2 other people our first year while he was married and he continues to be set up by friends, text/email females, set up accounts on dating sites and facebook, etc. within the last 3 years). Trust issues for me in part derive from his continuing to reach out to females from his past, females that he meets in bars, female coworkers, etc. Although he says he'll stop contacting them (once caught) he continues. Recently he gave me the password to an email account. I forwarded the emails from his correspondence with these females to another account w/o his knowledge for proof (b/c he always denies his actions). He'd been acting strange so I checked it, like I have in the past. Sure enough he's initiated correspondence with an "ex-female coworker" who is apparently "beautiful" according to his greeting in the email. He then goes on to minimize our relationship and ask her how her dating life is and if she is having sex with anybody. I confronted him and his response is that he's sorry, but I shouldn't be checking his email even though he gave me the password. He stated that although he has access to the mailbox and my snail mail, he doesn't open it so I shouldn't open his email although I have access. His reason for continuing to contact females is that he's fearful that I'm going to leave the relationship and how is he going to explain that to his friends? He did apologize and shut down this email account after I told him how hurt I was. I have not been perfect in this relationship and I'm the first to admit it. I am trying to get past the trust issues and my own insecurities, especially since we are living apart now (due to employment situation). I know he loves me and I love him but we both have to get past these trust issues. So tell me, am I trippin?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): I don't think this will work. I've been in the same boat. 8 years ago I found out my husband had been cheating on me, one day he accidentally left his e-mail open and I saw the evidence. When I confronted him he was apologetic and gave me his e-mail password but I was so hurt and betrayed I didn't care I wanted to divorce but he cried and begged me to stay and swore it was over. So I stayed, and it's been 8 years and I have not checked his e-mail nor his phone nor his facebook ever since because I just don't care. I just still cannot trust him. I found myself emotionally distancing myself from him so as to not get hurt again. Thus we drifted apart and started leading more and more separate lives. This didn't happen overnight, it happened gradually over the span of 8 years under the guise of staying married and working it out because everyone says this is the right thing to do, so the deterioration in our relationship wasn't obvious not even to me, because it happened so gradually over such a long time....And the fact that we were still married seemed a "success." But in truth it wasn't a sucess because I still didn't trust him and as we grew apart I started to not even like him anymore.
Then 2 years ago I cheated on him, not deliberately like for revenge or anything, but because I truly fell in love with another guy and by then I was so unhappy in my marriage that I couldn't help myself when I found love again. I wanted to leave my husband again, this time to be with the person I fell in love with, but the guy I fell in love with was ALSO at the time cheating on his girlfriend with me - his situation was very similar to mine, he had already been betrayed and thus was no longer emotionally invested in his relationship even though he was still physically there because everyone says it's the right thing to do to stay and 'work it out'.
But once again I didn't leave my marriage because the guy I fell in love with, he ended up marrying his girlfriend, the one he was cheating on with me. He married her WHILE still cheating on her with me, because she got pregnant.
So now both my husband and I are in the same boat, we have both cheated on each other and there is no trust between us. We are going to see a marriage counselor but I'm quite sure it's over.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): This is not a relationship, a relationship is built on trust and if you don't have that then there isn't much else.This guy is a cheat and you've admitted to not being so honest yourself. I think you should be single for a while and work out what you really want from a relationship and when you're ready start dating again.
This guy won't change, trust me on that.
If you hadn't found those emails i'm 99% sure he'd have carried on.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 October 2010):
 You need to leave this guy. He's dishonest and attempting to start relationships with other women. His "excuse" that he's afraid of you leaving him doesn't even make sense. It sounds like he was just scared that he got caught and blurted out the first thing that came to mind. He's flipping the blame on you, basically saying you made him contact other women (what?) and then flipping the blame on you again by saying, well I may have done that, but you were snooping (seeing as he gave you the password and there was something fishy there, he really has no right to call you on it). Find someone who will respect you more and who's more worthy of your trust.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 October 2010):
Seriously, how much more of this are you going to take? This is a totally dreadful mess. There is so much betrayal, so many lies and so much BS from him specifically that I don't see any hope at all of this working. There's no trust. There seems to be little love, especially from him to you. And his excuse for keeping in contact with all these women that he's set up with is very poor.
I just don't see how this will work. I think you need to end it, be alone and work on your own issues, then find a guy who's not like him. This is just a dreadful mess.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 Ok well we all know the basis to a good relationship is trust and it is clear there isnt much in your relationship at the minute. He says he is emailing these women in case you break up with him? Ok well either he is a very good liar or a very insecure person who needs to have the next women lined up as he fears being on his own. This relationship is not going to last if the both of you'se continue like this. I assume he has forgave you for cheating in the first year of your relationship but it is probably still buried in his mind somewere and he is insecure. What the both of you need right now is to go to couples therapy its the only way you will be able to move on from this. It will give you both that oppertunity to talk openly and get to the bottom of your issues, so i stronly recommened that you and he book an appointment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): if he does it again fake dump him. if he doesnt chase you and beg u 2 stay, and is all over sum woman the next day leave 4 good, nd if he begs,stay.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): You can't get past these issues without long term and in depth counseling.The problem you face is that both of you have established a relationship on cheating behavior, both yours and his. I'm not being a judge on your behavior here, you just need to realize and understand why you did this, why he did this, and he needs to realize and understand this as well.If you can't do that, then you can't fix the situation and it may be unfixable anyway.So, if you don't got together to counseling, then go on your own, for your own self, and that way you can start again at least on your end, probably with a new partner in the end.Are you "trippin", damn straight you are, this is a trip in many ways, and you need to get to the bottom of why you are taking this trip.
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