A
female
age
41-50,
*ennjida
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. I have two daughters. One is ours and the other is mine from a previous boyfriend. I am starting to sense that he does not like her very much. We are always fighting about it. He calls her a brat. And sometimes he even says that she is going to go no where and will be a looser just like her dad. I know she hears this. And it is hurting her feelings. He blames her for us fighting all the time. But I always feel like I am in the middle. He blames her for everything and is always yelling at her. He even sticks his tounge out at her. Which makes her cry and I am always yelling at him. Last night I smacked him in the face 3 times. Hard!!!! He wanted to call the police on me. I told him go ahead buddy. I love my children. They come first. So I am always fighting for them. But My question is what should I do. Am I being too over protective of them? I am ready to leave him. But now I am in the same situation like last time. Two dads and two kids. Why is this so hard? He says that he cares about my daughter but I don't feel like he is being honest. He teases her and is always blaming her for everything. Yelling at her and says that I just always stick up for her and she is a little brat. She is 9. And has been through a lot. If I stay with him am I going to mess her up? When she even comes in the same room he is in he will find a reason to get rid of her. I can see it in his eyes. It's like his blood boils when she is around. I think that I should leave him. What do you think will he ever love her and except her? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): good point indeed why should the poster leave; this causes more upheaval for the children so instead he should leave and pay child payments and also he should not be allowed to provoke you so that you hit him because he could then twist all this round onto you so be very careful
not surprised you feel you don't have people to talk to as this kind of man often isolates women and it probably takes a lot of time and energy arguing with him and worrying about your daughter
if he really does care for your daughter, he will agree to move out, pay money for his child and get counselling for his problems
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 February 2008):
 Make him leave and make him pay you child support for his daughter.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 February 2008):
 Good point, Waterloo Sunset: why does the poster have to leave, instead of just showing him the door?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO, BOOT HIM OUT.
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): This is because she is not his and in fact is from another man, and your current boyfriend is resentful that she even exists. No you aren't being overprotective. I am this way with my husband's cat. He got her 10 yrs. ago, and it was his previous girlfriend's idea. They shared her together. He got left with the cat when they broke up. Not being a cat person anyways, but this cat makes my blood boil, and I hate when she's around, especially if my husband picks her up and shows her affection. I don't want this to happen, or for me to be this way. But I just can't help it & I am always putting his cat down, calling her names, pointing her flaws out, etc. I KNOW for a fact I will never love her, or even like her. So I don't know if your boyfriend will ever accept your daughter, but it is unlikely. Maybe you could suggest counseling, and see if it'll help. If not, you're going to have to leave as he is abusing this little child & she doesn't deserve that. Or maybe she'd be better off with her real father? I don't know if that's an option or not. But you got to stop having kids with guys you're not married to.
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A
female
reader, Jennjida +, writes (11 February 2008):
Jennjida is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone that replied. You are all right. I guess sometimes I don't have anyone to talk to and I just needed some advice. I know that if I stay I will just be selfish. And I loovvvee my girls. So I guess I will have to move back to moms. Trust me it will be better than living with this crap. I can't be in the middle. I love her more than him. I will have to get out.. Thank you all so much. I guess i just wanted to know if you all were feeling that this is a horrible situation. I needed to hear that it is. And youre right. I have to make a stand. The longer I stay in this the worse it is for everyone. Thanks
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A
female
reader, Jennjida +, writes (11 February 2008):
Jennjida is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone that replied. You are all right. I guess sometimes I don't have anyone to talk to and I just needed some advice. I know that if I stay I will just be selfish. And I loovvvee my girls. So I guess I will have to move back to moms. Trust me it will be better than living with this crap. I can't be in the middle. I love her more than him. I will have to get out.. Thank you all so much. I guess i just wanted to know if you all were feeling that this is a horrible situation. I needed to hear that it is. And youre right. I have to make a stand. The longer I stay in this the worse it is for everyone. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): Sorry, i havent engaged my brains tonight, i meant to say LEAVING, NOT LIVING. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, BrknHrted +, writes (11 February 2008):
I know you love him, but if he cant respect your child, what makes you think he is going to respect you in the long run? If he treats your daughter that way, what will he do to you? I cant see this situation getting any better. Are you going to chose a man over your own flesh and blood? I am going to be blunt- he seems like a butt and it would be really low if you allowed this to keep happening to your daughter. This whole situation can affect her in the long run. She will, if she hasnt already, develop a negative attitude towards men. You shouldn't deal with this any longer. But the choice of what you want to do is up to you. Make the right choice.Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): WHY ARE YOU JUST THINKING ABOUT LIVING HIM - GO!!!!!! Sorry but i am shouting this at the computer right now. Why oh why are you putting your lovely daughter through this, for god sake she is only 9 years old. It is abuse! She is your flesh and blood and none of us can help who our parents are, and he clearly has a problem with your daughter and who her dad is. Please, get this brute out of your lives now before someone gets hurt. What if the verbal abuse turns to actual violence? Will you still be with him? Please get him out now. You and your kids deserve better, and your daughter didnt ask to be born, so why should she be punished by this pig.take care and keep in touch.xx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 February 2008):
He will always feel the way he does towards your daughter. He will always cause her hurt. He's an asshole today and he'll be one tommorow. Of course you should show him the door, immediately if not sooner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): Hi I read this carefully 3 times before replying. My heart really goes out to your daughter. She has had to adjust to a new man moving in and new baby, which is quite difficult for a small girl but instead of making this easier for her, the main male role model in her life is sticking his tongue out at her and calling her a 'brat'. This beggars belief! What does he suppose this will do to her long term self esteem and confidence? If he calls her a 'loser' often enough this could entrench itself into her young mind and she could start to believe it. Have you ever thought of having family counselling? It is natural in a stepfamily situation for some resentments and jealousies to occur but I think it is how the ADULTS in the family deal with it that matters. He needs to know that his behaviour is unacceptable and has to stop right now (non negotiable) to prevent any more damage to your child. If he has any issues or complaints regarding your daughter or his family life, why can't he air them privately and politely to you with a view to sorting the situation out. It sounds to me as though he has his own issues and is insecure in himself so is scapegoating a small innocent girl. Whatever you ultimately decide to do about him as a partner, he has to stop what he is doing to your daughter immediately. Your suggestion of leaving him sounds sensible in the circumstances - you could approach this by asking him to move out and stay somewhere else for a while, whilst you all consider your position as a family. At least this way, your daughter will be protected (if the sight of your daughter really does make his 'blood boil' then he could explode one day when you are not there and could physically harm her so you don't really have any choice but to remove him from her home whilst this is sorted out). He sounds very arrogant and he simple cannot stomp around your home putting fear into a small girl. It also sounds as though you are being manipulated in all of this, hence you feeling of being 'in the middle'. I removed my ex partner, who was the father of my own children, from our lives 10 years ago because of his bad behaviour and they have grown from two timid little girls into confident beautiful well rounded well educated young women who take don't take any nonsense form anyone - however had he stayed around he would have worn them down into nervous wrecks with low self esteem. Maybe if you think ahead to what sort of life you want for your daughter and how you see her in 10 yrs time, you may well find some of your answers. She deserves the best you can give her and she will love and respect you for it. I wish you all the best of luck sorting this out. Be strong and don't allow him to provoke you into hitting him because then he wins as he has got you to react and plus your daughter may see or hear this. Take care x
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta  +, writes (11 February 2008):
 this is knowen as child mental abuse.it will screw up your daughter. he is meant to be a role model for her. telling her she's a loser?i'm sorry but you need to grow up. yes YOU.you need to realise he is a bastard and a child abuser. get away from him as soon as you can.i know its hard. but this ain't about you no more, it's about your kids how much longers until the verbal abuse becomes phsyical? and he starts hitting them both?do youself a favor and leave him and make a life for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (11 February 2008):
 He sounds really immature and nasty and your little girl should not be treated in such a horrible way. He needs to grow up and treat your daughter as he would his own. If he can't do this then HE has to go. I would never tolerate anyone treating my children this way. Why on earth would he stick his tongue out at a 9 year old?? and to make her cry that is heartless. What is he like with his own daughter? nice i suppose making your daughter feel left out. It's not right, unless he seriously changes you need to show him the door.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (11 February 2008):
I can't imagine how an adult can behave in such an immature way. I would understand if your girl, a 9 year old, stuck her tongue; and I would understand such behavior in him once in a while, as a game with a little child; but here the man is "seriously" doing it to hurt a girl. This is something! That alone tells me he is the one with the problem. And if he weren't, he would be the one I would expect to handle things maturely.He knew you had a daughter when he got involved with you. So he knew what he was getting into. He has a daughter himself. So he can understand the bond with a child, and also he can understand that he needs to come to terms with your 9 year old. I wonder what he expects to achieve. It seems he would be happy if she only disappeared. Which he should know you can't agree to.I don't think he is ever going to change. His behavior seems to come from his guts. As you said, his blood boils.I know how difficult this is, but, if he won't stop mistreating your daughter, you will have to leave him. If you stay with him, you won't mess her up, but you will be an accomplice in HIS messing her up.The sad and unfair thing is that he is making you choose between having two daughters without their father or having one destroyed.I would go for the first option. Not only because you can't let him damage an innocent girl, but also because this reveals the way he sees you. If he's not aware of what he's putting you through, he should. To me, this is the mark of an abusive relationship. If you let him get away with this, you will have to let him get away with anything.I wonder if you have been giving in to other requests of his?I would also not stay with him because you will always have your children, but you can't be sure you will always have your partner. Particularly one like this man.Your girl only has you to stand up for her. You need to do it.Take care and be strong.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (11 February 2008):
 Your boyfriend sounds like a real dick. I think you know the answer . . . the same answer you gave in your 2nd to last sentence. My last advice is for you to stop having babies with boyfriends.
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