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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: This is rather embarassing 'cos I know I'm WRONG and UNHEALTHY!Me and my BF have been together for a year and 8 months. Lately I've been sensing he wants more space or something. Yet I can't detach the way he seems to. He's the most important person in my life and I get so jealous when he has fun without me!I haven't got many friends (a lot left town for college, and some I stopped seeing just because we grew apart). And my BF has trust issues with me, so now he says I should go out more, but I became used to not going out and spending most of my free time with him so I'm scared if I go out more, he'll stop loving me.He's upset now because he's going on a trip next week and he seems more excited because of that than being with me. He got upset becuase he said it gets annoying to hear me whine about him not spending time with me. Tonight he'll go out partying with his friends, I pointed out that I won't be able to talk to him tonight (because we haven't talked much today, and it's been mostly about the bus tickets that I got for him), and he got mad because he said that was a stupid reason for me to feel bad.He's the most important person for me, but I feel as if I'm not his. I know this is unhealthy, what can I do???How can I let go, or detach? How can I not care?:(
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female
reader, pie303  +, writes (25 April 2008):
 finding a hobby might be your way out, go for walks in a park with out him, or find some thing on the web that you can detach from reality for a bit.
im having the same problem but mine has gotten much worse. my boyfriend got to the point to tell me to move back with my parents and not talk to him for a week.
if you have a job see if any of your coworkers would hang out with you, it might be hard at first with out him around but its for your best interest.
sorry to hear things aren't going to well, good luck~
A
female
reader, aschmit3 +, writes (25 April 2008):
i agree with both datingshoes and happytochat. i'm a 20 year old girl in a 1 year relationship and i have many of the same feelings as you do. i've never had "best friends", lots of good friends but never in one circle i guess whereas my boyfriend has a tight nit group of friends he's been friends with since he was 4 years old. Sometimes i feel the way you feel and i feel insecure that i don't have the strong friendships he has. i think i see it as he would be fine without me if we were to break up bc of all of his great friendships but i wouldn't. this is not true i'm sure, but i still think it at times. ur boyfriend could definitely be more sensitive to your feelings and you should calmly and in a very respectful tone (not whining), talk to him about it when its a good time for both of you. you also definitely need to go out and have your own life. i really need to take this advice myself, by the way. you will truly be happier when he is a part of your life and not your entire life. you won't feel so jealous when he is outhaving a good time with his friends because u can think of recent times you've had fun with friedns (or make plans with ur friends on nights u know he is going out with his). hope this helps. if u would like to chat (since we are in very similar situations) just pm me. good luck =)
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (25 April 2008):
Aww this must be a horrible situation to be in. I can understnad how you feel. I wouldnt go as far as labeling what you are feeling/doing as 'unhealthy' though.
I think that if your bf gave you better reassurance and didnt get mad with you and say your feelings are invalid or stupid then you would be dealing with this alot better. He doesnt seem very understandng and I believe this is half of the problem. Dont you think that rather then him saying 'stop feeling like that, its stupid!' and then leaving to go out with his friends, that you would feel so much better if he said 'darling i love you lots but i also do enjoy time with my friends, im sorry you are going to miss me, but i will see you soon ok?'. Would that make you feel at all better? I know with one bf I had, he was similar to yours. All I wanted from him to say was he would miss me and I didnt expect him to stop seeing his frineds, but just be sympathetic to my feelings when I would be upset. If he could show he understands and say he would miss me, it would of fixed the problem.
So perhaps you have to explain to your bf that when you are upset you dont expect him to drop his social life or anything like that, it would just be nice to be told whether or not he misses you, or that he loves you, soemthing along those lines. Sometimes guys just arent good at knowing what we want from them.
Personally I dont think you can just stop caring or fully detatch yourself from someone. But if what you mean by that is, to not get so upset when he sees other friends, I think it does just come down to him being a bit more sensitive to your feelings and saying the right thing. If however he does try that and it still doesnt work maybe you have some insecurity issues? It could be a good idea to have a look into that, as no1 desevres to feeel so insecure and down about thereself.
Hope this has helped :)
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