A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I commute to work and every Friday, as I'm waiting at my bus stop, a young man would come and wait for the bus as well. We would exchange polite nods of the head, smiles, "good mornings" and then both of us would retreat back to our cell phones, too shy to make much conversation. Sometimes we would talk about the weather, or complain that the bus was late. This went on for months. I thought he was kinda cute. Tall and had a sexy accent that was different than I had heard before. One Friday I asked him where he was from and he told me Cape Verde. I guess you could say I noticed him, so when I stopped seeing him at the bus stop, it bummed me out a little.One Wednesday I was waiting for the bus in the pouring rain when a car drove up to me. It was him. He asked if I wanted a ride. I got into the car.He told me he worked at a food packing facility a few bus stops away from my stop (I would always leave the bus before him). He said he had borrrowed the car from his cousin, who was also his rooom mate. i asked if he was on his way to work and he told me "no, it is my day off. and it is pouring out and I knew you would be waiting for the bus, so I thought I would give you a ride." I thought that was very sweet, he truly had a kind, gentle and shy demeanor and I was attracted to that. Of course, I played it cool. He told me his name and we chatted a bit. He told me he would pick me up from work if I wanted to, but I told him I never know when I am dismissed from my job (I have a crazy schedule).A few weeks went by and I didn't see him. Then one day he pulled up at the bus stop again and offered me a ride He told me he had a new schedule at work and had been taking an earlier bus AND still borrowed the car from time to time. We got to my job and I thanked him once again for the ride. I offered him gas $ or a coffee and he wouldn't take anything. He didn't remember my name (I remembered his) and he apologized for that. I told him "Well, how will you ever remember my phone number if you can't remember my name???", as I got out of the car. He then finally asked for my phone number. I put it in his phone and he text me the moment I walked into my office. Told me to have a great day, and he used my name.We began texting back and forth and he would politely ask to talk to me on the phone. I can't believe the times we live in, that when you have someon'e phone number you have to ASK to call. We would talk for awhile, getting to know each other. He began to ask when he could see me. I always had an excuse. It was December and an extremely busy time at work for me (I work 6 days a week, 7:30 am until whenever). I would get home and just be too exhausted to go anywhere. But he was persistant, told me he would much rather talk to me in person than on the phone. So one Friday night I agreed to meet him at the bus stop where he would pick me up inhis cousin's car. I got all dolled up, thinking we would go grab a drink or something. When I got into the car I suggested going to this dive bar for drinks and pizza. He told me he wasn't hungry and that I could go to his place and play video games. I made it very clear I would NOT be going back to his place. I was a little annoyed. He then shows me his banking mobile app on his phone. He told me he was embarassed and as a man would NEVER let a woman pay for a date. He had 2 cents in his bank account. He confessed to me that his check from work hadn't cleared yet and he promised me he would take me out the very next night, any place I wanted. I laughed and told him it took alot of balls to show me his bank account! I had no reason NOT to believe him, as he swore his Mama raised him right and to be a gentleman and to never lie. So I told him I still wasn't going to his house with him, but I would go for a drive to look at the Christmas lights and decorations of the neighborhood. We drove around and looking back, i was probably too bitchy that night. I hadn't been on a date in so long and I got all dolled up, only to find out this sweet guy was flat broke and couldn't take me anywhere. I learned he was much younger than me, which isn't a deal breaker for me as I truly look 10 to 15 years younger than I am and I have dated younger men in the past. I cut the night short and asked him to take me home. He got upset and I told him we would have another night out, that it was ok, I was disappointed, but I would give him a chance. When we pulled up to my house, he asked when he would see me again. I told him soon, but because I knew the following weeks before Christmas would be busy for me, I didn't know when I'd see him. He reluctantly understood, and as I got out of the car I saw him lick his lips and look into my eyes. He moved my hair out of my face and it was obvious he wanted to kiss me, but I wanted to save that for our real date.Though I didn't see him anymore at the bus stop, we talked every day on the phone. It was so nice to get "Good morning" texts. And he wasn't dirty or explicit like how some guys are today. He told me I was pretty and he doesn't mind a larger girl, but he never went so far as to say I was sexy, nor did he turn anything into sex. I was grateful for that, and really thought of him as a sweet, painfully shy guy who I could fall for.One night we were up late talking on the phone when he asked if he could see me. I didn't have work the next day, so I figured I could "stay up past my bedtime", lol! I finally agreed to give him the second date, only this time I agreed to go to his house and hang out and watch movies.He told me his cousin (the room mate) was off in Cape Verde for another couple of weeks. We got in the house and it was so empty. I mean, there was furniture and stuff but just not a whole lot. I saw pizza boxes and a pic of his cousin in the military on the fridge. I noticed 2 large Victoria Secret bags in the kitchen. I asked about them and he said they belonged to his cousin's girlfriend. Me being paranoid asked if they belonged to HIS girlfriend and he of course said no and why would I think that. I told him I had dated a guy who hid a WIFE from me and ever since then, I have been paranoid. He told me to relax and reminded me that he is a simple guy and doesn't lie. He led me right into his bedroom and I once again put on the brakes. He said his TV is better in the bedroom and for me to calm down, he wasn't going to hurt me. I thought maybe I was acting too guarded and decided I was just going to relax and let the vibe flow. We sat on his bed and tried to watch TV. He couldn't remember his cousin's Netflix password. OK. he REALLY wanted to play video games with me and so we sat there and played and laughed. He tried to get closer to me and I told him I had my period (I did). He laughed and said he wasn't trying to have sex with me. So we kept playing PS4 and he asked if he could hold my hand. And he played with my hair. And so I kissed him. He pulled back and asked "are you sure" and I said yes and we began to make out. He whispered in my ear how badly he wanted to taste me and I got sooooo aroused by him. He took off my shirt and kept trying for my leggings but I kept telling him no. He got my leggings and panties down and I told him once again NO, I had my period. Finally I had to show him the string from my tampon! He apologized, but then asked if I would go down on him and I said NO. I really didn't want it to get this far. And I apologized for getting him aroused and stuff. He said it was ok, and not to worry. He understood. He took me home and I told him I would be off my period by the weekend.The next day I got a text and he said he had a great time. I asked if he was disappointed and he said no, for what reason? I said "for the blue balls!" and he said no, everything was fine. I felt relieved. And I felt that he was into me. And I couldn't wait to sleep with him!So the weekend came and I didn't hear from him. And then a week went by. I tried calling and it just rang and rang. I text him and he never replied back. I haven't seen him at the bus stop. I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks.How did it go from texting and calling me every day to complete silence? He completely ghosted me. I kept thinking, there's no way he was upset about the night we made out. I literally had a tampon inside me, he wasn't getting inside! But as I said, he wasn't a horndog to me at all. He was sweet and shy and I had to kiss HIM to get things going. And since he text me the next day saying he had a great time and wanted to see me again, I felt like we were in a good place. And now he has gone and went silent on me. Where did he go? He told me he works long hours at the food packing facility. I researched them and see that employees have gone after the company for long work days/weeks, no overtime pay, etc. So I don't think he's lying about work. He told me he is here with a work VISA and staying with his cousin who got him the job. i know ALOT of people where I live who are here with work VISAS, or student VISAS, or green cards, so it's definately not something uncommon. But I couldn't help but think OMG was he deported? I know it seems silly. So I got one of my male friends to call him and ask for a fake name. He did and my bus stop sweetie answered on the second ring. When my friend asked who he was, he gave his name. So, he was answering his phone, but just not answering ME when I called. I can't imagine what happened. The only thing I go back to are the VS bags...and maybe this guy has a wife or girlfriend and maybe she's home now after some time away. It would explain his urgency in always wanting to see me (he had a short window to cheat). But I truly never got that vibe from him, no matter how many times I brought up the fact that a married man lied to me to get me in bed with him. that he told me he wasn't that kind of guy. I just don't know what happened. I've been depressed for 3 weeks. I hate not knowing. I hate not knowing what I did wrong. Or that when I FINALLY let my guard down again, I let another asshole into my life. :( Any theories??
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at work, christmas, cousin, depressed, married man, military, period, roommate, shy, tampon, text, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2018): You are a very good writer, that was an interesting read!
To me it was a big flag that he forgot your name. I'm not very good at names either, but if I was interested in a woman I damn sure would learn her name!
You should count yourself lucky that the worst thing that happened was he ghosted you.
My guess is that he was really just looking for NSA sex. Maybe he does have a wife/gf. In any case, I would try and move on and not stress yourself out.
I would try 'normal' dating-- if you do, I bet you will quickly get over this guy who was trying to use you.
You got a bit unlucky twice with guys. But there are good guys out there.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): Just be glad you did not have sex with him!The universe conspired for you to have your period so that you could dodge a bullet with this loser!Be glad. You've got a guardian angel looking over you. Even so, remember never to put yourself in a dangerous position ever again. People are not as they appear. Use this as a lesson learned on what not to do next time.I hope you knowing this guy is an asshole and not worth your time and tears helps you move on faster.Your instincts were screaming at you loud and clear. Never, ever ignore them. We have them for a reason.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): Are you insane getting in a strangers car and going to his house so soon??!!. My god, you are between 36 and 40, not a child!!. You should have more common sense than that.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 January 2018):
 He was a stranger who you gave your address to, hoped in to a car with and went home with him. You are lucky you are not a rape victim at the moment. There are so many sick people in the world and you trusted a complete stranger who tried to take you home on date one? It was clear he was after one thing and in fairness showing a man the tampon string is a bit over the top. Either way am glad he didnt get what he wanted from you. Be more careful with yourself.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 January 2018):
 Honestly, OP, you're lucky he didn't attack you, sexually assault you or kill you because you naively got into a stranger's car, then his house and bedroom.
Get help. Please don't make any more dangerous decisions.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (29 January 2018):
 You dodged a bullet.
This whole thing is really weird. He stalks you and then shows up to pick you up.
Then he has zero money to afford anything. Has to borrow wheels to move around, has nothing at his apartment, and wants to only see you there.
Of course he was going to bail on you. He can't afford to date you, nor does he want to. He was looking for easy sex.
I highly recommend not going to men's apartments on first or second dates. It's too risky, and they will almost always assume it's because you are ready to have sex.
I hope you find a great guy soon!
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A
female
reader, wishfulsoul  +, writes (28 January 2018):
I think you've probably had a lucky escape, you would have felt worse if you had actually slept with him. 3 weeks of not hearing from him, and knowing that he's avoiding your phonecalls should tell you he was playing you for one thing. Like another writer said, he's probably found someone else who is easier to sleep with.
Try not to get down over him, he has no respect. Some people are good at making you believe their stories they can be very manipulative.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (28 January 2018):
He didn’t get what he wanted out of you at the first asking and decided to move on. The way he has done it shows that he isn’t worth you wasting any more time thinking about him.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 January 2018):
 I believe he thought you were going to be easy to get into bed and after realizing that you weren't just going to be so easy, he lost interest in the chase. Good for you. He isn't worth thinking about or wasting time over so be glad you got out early and move on. Block him, forget him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2018):
 If he has a valid work visa he isn't being deported.
Words are cheap, OP
A person can say whatever he/she wants or thinks the other person want to hear or whatever gets the result they are looking for.
You need to pay WAY more attention to a person's ACTION than their words. Unless they ACTUALLY match.
While he SAID he wasn't just looking for sex, he DID "plan" the FIRST date to take place at the place he shares with his cousin. What does that tell you? Sure, he didn't have a DIME in his bank account and he didn't want YOU to pay for the date (probably because that would feel emasculating for him) - but he could EASILY have told you, BEFORE picking you up that he was not able to take you out and postpone the date. HE didn't. Because he WAS hoping you would go home with him and I think he WAS hoping that you would sleep with him.
Then when his cousin of off seeing family he invites you over and tries to lead you STRAIGHT into his bedroom. WHAT does that tell you?
You told him NO sex as you were on your period, but he STILL got your shirt off... and he didn't STOP until he say your tampon string? WHAT?! So again, SAYING he isn't a horndog is JUST words, he didn't RESPECT you when you said no sex. HE kept on trying and trying.
Honestly, OP you can't lay the blame at this guys feet. YOU ignored ALL the red flags popping up.
While you had some little cute interactions at the bus stop and then later over text/phone calls. HE IS STILL a stranger.
You have NO idea if he is married, if he is legally here, if he is telling the truth, etc. etc.
Sometimes we meet someone and things don't work out.
No need to to be dramatic and be "depressed" that it didn't work out. If you look at it with more realistic eyes, was there really EVER a future here? Being on a work visa doesn't mean he intends on staying, doesn't mean he was actually single (he might not have had any money because he sends them all home to HIS family back home - wife and kids).
While you found him charming and cute, there is no way of knowing if he was ever serious or a good fit for you.
Next time I suggest you date someone who can spend time with you IN person on PUBLIC dates. And DO pay attention to the "little things".
It can also be that he has gone silent but will contact you again JUST to see how "desperate" you are.
Block him and let it go. I don't think he was as good of a guy as he was trying to make you think he was.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (28 January 2018):
 And not even messaging you back shows a weak character and what a coward he is
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (28 January 2018):
Sorry- pressed too early. I do think the attentive constant phonecall gentleman act was just that- an act. He did just enough to get you to sleep with him.. he's handsome so a lot of young naive girls he probably doesn't have to woo too much! He saw you as a challenge with more sense and thought it would be a bigger conquest- the more work required the more satisfying the reward!
Do not take this personally.. you've seen his place how he lives, he's not in a serious place in his life yet and he's just a boy, not a man. If he's over 30 that shows he just didn't grow up.
Leave him to his dingy bachelor pad and remember you did the right thing.. you're young learn from this.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (28 January 2018):
I know it seems intense after just three weks, I went out with a guy for this long, he dumped me horribly and I was distraught for weeks.. but honestly? You're missing the very simple fact that when you wouldn't give it up after only three weeks, he lost interest.. what does that say? That maybe he found someone that did.give it up easily for.him.. I think the phone calls were all part of his
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (28 January 2018):
 Hes prob a young guy thinking older women are a young easy lay , not true but he has his misconceptions. He sees that all time he took texting or seducing you, that youre not easy. So hes no longer interested. Just move on , dont call him and it may degrade you in his eyes and prob isnt helping your self esteem either. He has clearly blocked you , is no longer interested, or a diff girl has captured his full attention. Whatever the reason, forget him ! every minute you spend thinking of this man, you lose time finding the right man .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): I’m glad you are safe.... it’s really dangerous to get into a guy’s car like that, someone you barely know. In my field of work I get an inside look at how criminals and sexual predators/rapists operate and (not that I am in any way blaming the victim) I am amazed at what works over and over again and how trusting victims are!! These men appear trustworthy, so please be careful.
Please write him off and move on... I don’t know how much dating experience you have but this guy to me is doing all the classic moves to get you into bed. He seems immature and just looking for fun. Based on your age, I think this is beneath you, but then again I don’t know what you’re looking for. Don’t sell yourself short in life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): Ok first of all, you haven’t done anything wrong, so please stop looking for reasons to blame yourself. Most other women would have done the same.. for one thing you need to trust someone before you just go back to their house, and why would he just assume that would be ok with you. I also don’t think he would have text you saying he had a good time after the second time you met, if that wasn’t the case.
It’s hard to tell why he hasn’t called but I honestly don’t think it’s anything on your part. I think most likely he either has a girlfriend, or he’s not sure what he wants. Maybe he’s just looking for a friend with benefits sort of thing, or he’s just not sure how to go about it. He could also be genuinely busy.. some guys tend to play around a bit now, and with so many options they don’t seem as bothered. I totally get how you’re feeling right now. I’ve been smitten with a guy for 5 months who totally had me going, then I found out he’s a total player.. I never suspected as he was such a good liar! So really I know you must feel awful right now. You could always send him a little text and see if he replies.. but in the mean time I think you should get on with your life and try to enjoy yourself. Please don’t blame yourself, he will probably message or see you again eventually (by then you might have moved on, I often find that to be the case!) but you shouldn’t just wait around and put your life on hold for him.. he obviously isn’t! If he had the time to answer his phone to your friend, he could have also messaged you. I say give him a little message (keep it short and sweet) and if he doesn’t reply, he might be a little flaky and you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 January 2018):
I apologise for the bluntness, but I think you need a bit of a reality check.
He's a stranger. Don't get in strangers' cars just because you've seen them somewhere fairly regularly. You also let him know where you live! Don't be reckless with your safety, OP.
He's a man child - inviting you back for video games! Looking 10 - 15 years younger doesn't make you compatible with someone that much younger.
Showing you he had no money, yet he's been driving around to take you places on his cousin's dime, blaming his cheque not clearing.... suspicious.
Instead of calling you pretty, he said he "doesn't mind a larger girl"? Goodness, OP. You're scraping the bottom of the barrel. You're a woman, not a girl, and you should be with someone who is attracted to you, not just someone who "doesn't mind" your body, like it should be seen negatively.
You allowed him to keep taking your clothes off when you'd said no. STICK TO IT. He is LEARNING from women who ALLOW him to push their "no" into a "fine". You shouldn't have shown him your tampon string; you should have left! He anted you home, you have in. He wanted you in the bedroom, you gave in. He said he didn't want sex and he "wouldn't lie", but HE DID and you didn't leave immediately and cut all contact.
He PLAYED you. He KNEW you'd kiss him. He KNEW you'd make out and give in when he whispered in your ear. It was obvious. Read your post over and over until you see the signs you overlooked. It's was clear he was leading you to the bedroom from the day he showed up in his cousin's car, IF his cousin is real.
You went to a STRANGER'S HOUSE and expected him not to lie to you. You didn't know him long enough to blindly trust he didn't just want sex or wasn't "like that" (a cheater).
The thing you did "wrong" was ignore the red flags.
- stranger offers you a ride repeatedly, yet has no money to take you out
- he says he "doesn't mind" that you're a bigger lady, rather than him being attracted to you, as you are
- you go to a stranger's place on the second date
- you go to his bedroom
- you trust him even though you don't know him
- you make out with a stranger in his bedroom
- you believe his lie that he's not after sex, even though he's invited a naive woman into his bedroom, so you make out with this STRANGER IN HIS BEDROOM
- you allow him to keep undressing you, rather than sticking to "NO" and don't leave when you realise he's not LISTENING to you
- you ASSUMED he was shy because he ACTED shy, knowing you'd find it endearing and ignore the red flags
He READ your desperation for attention and used it to his advantage. You didn't WANT to see the red flags, so you didn't.
I'm really sorry it happened, but you shouldn't get depressed over a stranger. You need to seek therapy to deal with your low confidence and naivety, or you'll close yourself off from decent guys. There are almost *always* red flags with jerks. This guy had so many and you overlooked them because he was young and seemed shyly interested in you.
You walked into a trap. Take it slowly, in future, and seek therapy for help with your emotions.
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