A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for nine months now. We broke up around the second month because he was still thinking about his ex and wanted to figure things out. I started to move on with my life when he came back and said he wanted to be with me, not his ex. We agreed to try again. But after we got back together, he has met with his ex because she was in town and he felt he needed to see her to get closure (she broke up with him over the phone and long distance). I was unhappy with this at the time. When he saw how it upset me, he said he was sorry and said he made a stupid mistake of seeing her and swore that he is committed to me and chose me over her. But I recently found out he told a friend that he was hoping to get back together with his ex when he and I had been dating exclusively for two months. This made me look back at things, and I just feel hurt and confused. He told me he wanted something long term with me, but I feel like he was chasing after his ex. When he swore he only wanted me and admitted that he shouldnt have been chasing his ex at the same time, I gave him a second chance. I don't know. I felt hurt and I guess I expected him to cut her completely out of his life because of what happened.... But not too long ago I found out he never deleted her number and stayed friends with her on Facebook and responded to her wall posts. I just feel that he should have stopped all of that if he really chose me. I don't know if I'm being ridiculous and asking for too much. To me, this seems like even after he committed to me, he was still keeping her around in case she took him back. I don't know. He has been very loyal since then, and it's not that I don't trust him in terms of cheating or going back to her. When he saw how upset I was he I friended her, stopped communication with her and deleted her number. But I can't help but feel I was short changed. I can't help but think that if had really chosen me he would have removed her from his life on his own. I do love him but I don't know if I deserve better or I'm over reacting. Should I continue with him?
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (12 March 2013):
 He was wrong so no you are not over-reacting, however I think he has shown in recent weeks to have finally put her behind him, he has deleted her number etc so it seems he has finally moved on.
I think you are right, at the start he probably was keeping her in his life just in case she decided to take him back. But he has finally decided to cut her out of his life, so what more do you need from him to prove that he is over her?
I think you should put this all behind you and focus on the future, ok so it has taken him longer to delete her out of his life than it should have done, but he got there eventually. He has done what you needed him to do, he cant do anymore to prove that he is over her, so you just need to accept it and move on.
If he adds her back on Facebook again in the future or anything like that, then yes dump him and never look back. But for now I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and give this relationship a chance.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 March 2013):
 no, you are not over reacting. to me, i never would have even taken someone back after they had dumped me for their ex in the first place. at that point, they made their decision. they choose someone else over me. so they can lay in the bed they made. if they loved me and cared about me so much, they never would have dropped me for someone "better" in the first place. what a slap in the face!
all that aside, since that's just me and not you, you're absolutely not wrong for expecting him to cut her out of his life! he dumped you for her, after all! so hell no it's not expecting too much! it seems to me that if he took you and him seriously, he would have immediately removed her from his life and only focused on you, WITHOUT you asking him to. trying to build back trust, etc. certainly not attempting to see her and talk to her.
are you even sure that he actually CHOSE you over her, or did she break up with him, so he came back to you by default? that wouldn't surprise me at all. see if you can't find that out for certain.
anyway, i've gone through enough in my life to know what i will and won't put up with. i wouldn't call it giving ultimatums. but i'd call it having standards and limitations. i have certain things that i just will not put up with from someone i'm with. and no matter how much i love them, i WON'T deal with it if those things persist. and i think a problem here is that you continue to put up with it because you love him and don't want to lose him. but at what cost? your dignity? your sanity? your self worth? no relationship is worth that. you deserve to be treated as though you are the most important girl in his world. and you're not. so don't tolerate it. tell him it's her or you. flat out. and if he can't do that, then leave him and show him what he's lost once and for all.
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