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female
,
anonymous
writes: My husband and I have been together for 8 years, having just married 3 months ago. Recently, he has been sending/receiving several text messages on his phone from some girl on the other side of the country. He claims all the calls are from some new guy at work who recently moved here, hence the strange area code. However, one morning he asked that I hold his phone and should answer if it rings. While I have it a text message from this girl comes through saying "Love you" I checked the time on this message and saw the same strange area code and later compared it to the number that came up several times on the bill and it was the same.Later, he tells me that the girl that messaged him is someone he used to know from 15 years ago and he was good friends with her, and she's been going thru a hard time with her husband. However, he lies and says that she has only called him once or twice. Meanwhile I have the phone bill indicating over 200 texts in one month. Then I joined one of those "friend/game connection" types of web site he was on and talked about. I found this girl in his friends list and saw the comments he left her...I love you for all eternity...blah blah blah.I am very hurt by this. The bad thing is we went thru the same thing almost a year ago with a girl that lived just a few miles down the road from us. Constant texting, inappropriate e-mails, etc. He claimed nothing physical ever happened with her. I do believe him. However, the "I love yous" to the other woman hurt me more than I can explain. At that time I let him know that it hurt me, but he was more offended/concerned that I was snooping thru his personal e-mail and checking the phone bill for calls from this girl. A few months later this girl turned out to be a total psycho, as I told him, and he was almost shocked to see what her real intentions were and immediately cut off all communication. However, here we are again in a similar scenario. I thought the first time would be enough. I am not sure where he is going with this. I am afraid to even tell him I know its the girl he's been talking to and not some guy for work, but I'm afraid he'll rip into me for snooping and blame it on my own insecurities. Am I not enough? Does he so desperately crave attention and love from other women? I don't know what to do. Any insight or suggestions would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2006): Once a cheat always a cheat. He will not change. Get rid. You owe it to yourself. Life is too short to go through this misery.
take care
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2006): This is a problem when you forgive someone for cheating on you. They know that they can do the same thing again.
The sad thing about this is that you are blaming yourself.
The truth is, the problem is with your husband. There are PLENTY of men who would never, ever, crave attention from any other women than the one they are with. Even if you were the most horrible, unattractive, neglecting women in the world, they would still not cheat on you.
By all means, work on this problem, but I personally think you have a serial cheat on your hands and that will never change, sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2006): You already forgave him once, when the same shit happened last year. That was more than enough forgiveness from you! It's already the second time he's done this,and u know the saying "shame on u if u fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice". LEAVE him!
What he did IS CHEATING. For the second time around! If he didn't change after you gave him a second chance, he never will.
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A
female
reader, Sally R. Cinnamon +, writes (29 November 2006):
 "Am I not enough?" You should be! I disagree with the comment below that you should go to Ann Summers and write kinky texts to your husband. This makes it sound like what has happened is your fault, and it is not. It isn't up to you to change. You should carry on being you.
Your husband's behaviour is - very understandably - hurting you. It's not acceptable. He shouldn't be meeting girls on the internet and telling them he loves them and lying to you. When he rips into you for snooping, he is taking the sweat off himself and trying to get out of the spotlight. But, given that he's been lying to you, and that you deserve answers, you had every reason to do what you did. So don't think that you are causing the problem. Your reactions are fair and normal.
Having said that, I don't know how you can make your husband listen to you. You have every right to raise this with him. Don't allow him to shut you up by telling you that you are insecure. What your husband is doing - sending 200 texts in a month - receiving "love-yous" - professing aternal love - isn't a sign that he is probably cheating. It *is* cheating.
From the outside, to be brutally honest, it sounds as if your husband isn't worth it. He's treating you badly and you deserve better. I don't know what more to say, I just want to tell you that it isn't your own insecurities to blame for this. And you can't leave this to fester, you shouldn't have to get used to being treated like this. You shouldn't have to live your life with this kind of thing always in the background.
I wish I could be more helpful.
-Sally
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A
female
reader, jessekk69  +, writes (28 November 2006):
 i think you need to tell him because if you think about it prob he is cheating. for the second time. i think you need to think about weather you to are really happy together. think about your future and possible children that you to will bring into the world togther. he wont be only hurting you but them aswell. if you sit him down and talk to him over a beer or wine and tell him how much it really hurts you and try and find ways to work around it then maybe he's understand. You can also try and be more wild when it comes to the bedroom area, and i mean buy things from ann summers or something and really treat him and tease him more ofteren he may realise he doesnt need any one else. (also kinky textes and emails. do everything oppisite to what you normally would do) sorry if you dont agree with any off this but i really do hope it helps and i know things like this can really hurt, went through something like it with my ex.
thanks for reading xx
(feel the fear and do it anyway)
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