A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 18 and my bf 23 we've been going out for nearly 16 months now and i thought everything was fine until last week. He said he wanted to talk about us that he feels we've been drifting apart and doesnt feel a connection with me anymore and that he thinks we act more like best friends than gf/bf which really hurt me. He also said that he doesnt feel the spark that we used to have has gone and that he thinks we see too much of each other, which i agree with cause we see each other almost everyday but he also said that sex has become like a chore for him now and would rather cuddle.I was really shocked and upset and began to cry but by end of the night he said we'll be fine dont worry i just needed to get it off my chest.But next day we ended up fighting about it again cause i was still confused but now it like everything back to normal.I put it down to him being depressed as he's been out of work for over a year now and doesnt go out much.Can someone please let me know what i can do to help him and get us through this and how to bring the spark back for him? I love him soo much and dont want to lose him
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your advice it as helped a great deal. We planning to go out more for day trips and going out for long nature walks and i proposed we start to make a holiday album and keep pictures and things from our holidays together cause he still wanting to go on holiday in a few weeks time i take that as a good sign.
A
male
reader, koenig +, writes (20 September 2009):
Good :) Things are looking up! :)
You shouldn't be complacent yet though. Keep doing engaging things together, keep occasionally not seeing him every day (but don't do this too much) and keep doing anything else you think is helping.
I completely reject the advice that one poster gave you (to move on), this is progress :)
Don't keep torturing yourself about what he said before, we can all say things and not mean them or be wrong. Seriously, it's best to just forget he said that now and to never bring it up again - no good will come of it.
I hope everything works out :)
P.S. My invitation to message me if you need advice still stands at any time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice.
We meet up today and had a really good time. We went a long walk around our local park and went into the local theme park too and things were like normal.He was back to being his usual self and being affectionate again then when we got back to his he literally just ripped my clothes off then and there and had sex that i think things improving. I hadn't seen him on the friday due to family matters and think it helped to make him miss me.
It still runs through my head sometimes about how he said we saw us as friends but with everything that happened today i think he might see us as more again, i'm not sure though.Can you please tell me what you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): Look, he has told you the relationship has changed for him and he did not propose any steps to restore it to what it once was.Face it: sometimes (often, in fact) what started as a wonderful romance with lots of sparks often does fade for one, if not both of the couple involved. THIS IS A NORMAL PART OF LIFE. Doesn't necessarily mean he's bad, or you're bad, or that you don't still care about one another's well-being. It just means he is in a different place in his life now, to what he was when you and he first met. He ALSO has the worries of not having a job, and of course that doesn't help. Nor does spending so much time together. If he has lost interest in having sex with you, then the attraction has definitely faded for him. Clearly he has decided (probably over the course of weeks and months) that you are not the one for him. YOU still feel he's the one for you, but seriously you have no choice but to accept what he has told youYour only choice really is to accept what he has told you, wish him all the best and move on with your own life.
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A
male
reader, koenig +, writes (19 September 2009):
On one hand 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' but on the other hand, you seem distant. So backing off is a bit of a tough issue.
Lets talk about sex first because it's a bit less complicated (I think). Perhaps you should try to put off sex for say, a week. And while you're doing that, subtly tease him however you want to. Basically put that freshness of wanting what you can't have back into your sex lives. Then when it finally happens, make it quite a big thing with plenty of foreplay, dress up in your best undies and doing all of the things that you both like. The great thing about sex is that if you have good experiences you want it even more. Once you've kicked it back into shape, avoid having sex for the sake of it, only do it when you're both in the mood for it.
Now lets talk about physical absence. If there's too much physical absence, especially if you're both not used to it, can lead to some quite negative feelings, so you have to be careful. I'd say don't see each other just because you can. See each other when you miss each other or when you're going to do something together. That way you'll give him a chance to miss you and realise how grateful he is for what you have.
Don't follow these like rules, just think of them as guidelines that have helped me or people around me. Don't forget to follow your own intuition.
It's sad, people can end up taking these brilliant relationships they have for granted.
By the way: feel free to send me a personal message or to reply to this if you want any more advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm the writer of this question.
Thanks for your advice I'm going to try and get him out more and more active with me cause i could do with it too. But do you think i should back off more and not see him everyday to give him time to think?
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male
reader, koenig +, writes (18 September 2009):
I expect a lot of it is him having too much time on his hands. I can definitely identify with that, I had a patch where I wasn't working and I also socialised less and it made me much more moody and all sorts of negative things.I'm going to suggest a number of things:*Get him doing something, working, volunteering, a hobby, anything to get him energised again. Wanting to cuddle instead of having sex is something that tends to come hand in hand with low energy (I don't mean that in some kind of New Age way, just when you're less energetic or lively).*Go out together and _do_ things. I mean, rather than going out to the movies or for a meal or staying in - go out and do something slightly active - go for a long walk, play tennis.*Vary the sex - if you have very ordinary sex, mix it up a bit. Positions, props, clothing, settings the works. Most importantly, do it when the moment takes you. You don't need to do it every night or even every day. Just when you're in the mood for it, do it there and then (within reason of course!).Basically, it sounds like he's pretty bored with his life in general, not with you, but with everything else and that's starting to spill into your relationship. If you can make your relationship especially exciting, you should hopefully be able to get him energised again.Please don't take this as it being your fault, it's him not you. But I think these things might help you get him back to normal.I hope this helps.
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