A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, about a month ago, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. It was very low key (there wasn't even a ring) and he said that we were going to redo it later on to make it more official. I was really excited of course and I can't wait to start my life with him. This past week has been pretty bad for him. One of his best freinds passed away and the other one is going through a divorce. I was trying to be very understanding and just be there for him but he kind of pushed me away. He didn't really call me and everytime I tried to see him something came up. I reached my breaking point Friday and things started crossing my mind that there was more to it than him just dealing with his friend going through the divorce and with his grief. Then, last night I finally saw him and he says that he's not sure about getting married anymore. He wants to be sure before we even get officially engaged. I need advice because this killed me and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you your answers really made me feel better. It definately helped a lot. I appreciate it
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (9 September 2007):
I agree with pleasehelpme. He is going through a rough time, and his friend's divorce has probably scared him into taking a step back. You're a victim of bad timing. He may have had some slight cold feet about making the engagement official and this situation amplified it. Give him some time, stick by him and help him realize (don't come out and say it, speak through your actions) that you two aren't his friends. You are a different couple with a different situation.
There's no harm in being sure, but he cannot allow this to scar him for life and turn him noncommital. Give it some time (anywhere from a few weeks to a few months) and if he still doesn't propose officially it is time to sit him down and see where you stand.
There could be other issues too. What is his work situation? Are you two in college still? Women tend to want the wedding to go flawlessly, but men tend to want the marriage to start off flawlessly. Many men plan on proposing to their girlfriends, but before they do that they want to be sure that they can provide. This means they want that promotion at work and money in the bank before they even get engaged to secure it for marriage. The problem is that it often takes longer to do that than the timeframe they set on it. Ask yourself if this could also apply to your situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): The death of his friend is making him re-evaluate his own life and what he wants from it - it's a perfectly normal reaction and many people feel this way when they lose someone close. Please don't take his reaction to heart too much at this stage - you need to give him time and support until he is ready to discuss it further. I wouldn't push him into talking about it at this stage, but call him regulary and make sure you're able to see each other alot. I understand that this is extremely difficult for you to deal with, but you sound very understanding so I think you'll be able to offer him space, love and support for the coming few weeks, without placing any pressure on him. Demanding he make a decision so soon may push him away from you, so you need to treat carefully. That's not to say you don't deserve a straight answer from him about your future together - you do - but just not yet. Best luck XX
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A
male
reader, Pleasehelpme  +, writes (9 September 2007):
Your boyfriend has seen his best friend go through pain with a divorce. This has made him step back. He wants to ensure that the marriage between you and him is going to be a succesful and happy one. He feels that the more time he spends on building the relationship up before you actually get married the better and stronger it will be when it happens. In relation to him pushing you aside thats not him been nasty. Its just when we are hurting we tend to take it out on the ones that are closet too us. He knows deep down that you love him dearly and he will you. However you have to stand by him through this tough time as this will also strengthen your own relationsip.
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