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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years. We live a little way apart from each other and only see each other twice a week, but we do love each other very much.Last year a man moved in next door to me. There is no attraction there at all but we have a good friendship, and take our kids out on cycle rides, share BBQ's, friendy chats over the garden wall etc. He has also walked in to my house and found my neighbour and I chatting on the sofa.My partner does not like this friendship I have and calls it "inappropriate". He has now given me an ultimatum. He wants me to stop socialising with my neighbour, or our relationship is over.I don't know what to do or how to react. Please help
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (3 June 2006):
 Some agony aunts have suggested that you encourage your man to meet your neighbour to allay his fears. This strategy will NOT work as long as he fails to deal with his trust issues in an introspective and mature way. You are not doing anything wrong by befriending your neighbour; you're engaging in good community politics, which I think is a very positive thing for you and your kids.
I have close relationships with female friends that my wife does not know that well and does not care to know that well. My wife has close relationships with male friends that I do not know that well and do not care to know that well. We trust each other implicitly, and this means that we talk openly about our other relationships. This state of trust is where you want to be with a life partner. If either of us started behaving the way your man is behaving, we'd be off to counselling or divorce court. What's the point of having a relationship if the trust is gone?
Once again, I stress that your choices will affect the lives of your children. They will be observing your behaviour carefully - They may be little people, but they are bloody perceptive, especially when it comes to acquiring techniques to manipulate you!
You're getting some very good advice from the other aunts - I hope it all works out for you.
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (3 June 2006):
 I can understand why your BF is behaving like this. You ahve developed a friendship with a person of the opposite sex who you are intimate with in a way YOU know is innocent, (ie. as if he was a female friend) but he cannot see that. YOU know nothjing romantic is there but he doesn't and it doesn't matter how many times you tell him that it is innocent he won't be able to see it.
Your best bet in this situation is to allow your BF to develop a friendship with this guy as well. Encourage him to meet and spend time with this person so you are both then considered friends with him. What you shouldn't do is allow him to dictate who you can and cannot be friends with. This will then create further control issues and resentment from you.
Do not play to his insecurities, but address them. tell him you understand but that you will not end this friendship. Then tell him you value this person in your life and that you would like him to meet and be able to see why this friendship is valuable to you. And how it can also be valuable to him as well.
I wish you luck.
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2006): I’m in a relationship that is somewhat similar, however I did say to my partner that it's wrong that she was going out with this man friend and taking our daughters with her. I never offered her an ultimatum as I have always trusted her judgement, but because I had never been introduced to him ever I was taken aback that she persisted with meeting with him at every opportunity whilst we having marital problems. Her friendship with this man has escalated to the point that she has once lied to me using 'Damage Limitation' as an excuse and I found out purely by chance that they had met to go out. It seems this man friend has some sort of hold and has been pursuing her. I can understand your partner's fears, but if you can assure him that all is well and that you truly love him and that no man can come between you then I'm sure his insecurity will wane? I for one have witnessed discrepancies in my parent's relationship that have always made me somewhat protective of my partner, and in doing so I have pushed her to the point whereby she now spends too much time with her man friend! It's all about managing each other’s expectations.... Insecurity is definitely a part of it, and I do lay claim to being insecure, but assurances would have given me some sort of peace of mind....I now have to deal with he fact that my partner has moved on with her life and I have too; therefore we split recently as I couldn’t take the fact she spends most of her days away from home leaving me to watch our 3 children regularly...These things do happen, but you need to nip it in the bud early and make it clear from the beginning that nothing untoward is going on:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2006): An ultimatum is a sign that he is insecure about it and doesn't know what to do. In defence of your boyfriend, unless he gives you ultimatums all the time, I wouldn't say he was controlling, he is just desperate and has chosen this (bad) choice.
If you value your relationship, tell him you are not going to give up your friendship, and instead ask him to get to know this neighbour more so that he can see there is nothing suspicious going on.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (3 June 2006):
 Since he gave you a choice, choose to dump your boyfriend. This is the beginning of a slippery slope of control. What's next? It's hard to do, but give him the ultimatum and see how he likes it. As I always say, why should you pay the price for a crime you didn't commit? You have a good neighbour, someone you trust. If he has never given you reason to doubt his intentions, carry on. I can understand your boyfriends insecurity. I too have suffered from it. That doesn't make hi correct though. What he is basing his fears on are assumptions and possabilities. Those are endless and he'll drive himself nuts and drive you away once you get to the breaking point.
What's next, no talking to the guy you see on the bus every day, no having coffee at work with men on your breaks etc. His fears will make your life limited and confined.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (3 June 2006):
Relationships built on ultimatums are ones built on control. Your man does not trust in you or your judgement, but it is not really about you. He has insecurities about relationships, and these insecurities existed before you met him. If you cave into your man's ultimatum and cut off ties with your neighbour, not only will you lose a good friend, you will also put your self-respect in peril.
Do you want your children to grow up learning that the ultimatum is an effective weapon to use on you? Or would you rather they grow up learning that relationships built on trust are the ones that are rewarding and positive for both people?
Good luck with your decision. Remember that your choices will affect the lives of your children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2006): I believe that your bf has major insecurity problems. On top of that, if you cease your friendship with your neighbor, you are then allowing your bf to control your life. It isn't wrong to make friends with females or males. What your bf said that your friendship with your neighbor is inappropriate, may I counter-attack his comment and say that his behavior is inappropriate!
I believe that whatever you think love may be, you should reassess what love really is, versus what you actually love about him.
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