| A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes: hello , I have really difficult problem with my husband. Help me to solve this puzzle.I think he is a passive aggressive, or somehow just very tricky. I can't read him...But I know something is really twisted about him. He is kind to me and his children. He does not controls me in anyways, nor cares about me too much. He is a bit cold, but not rude. We seem to be together, but he does what he wants,even after we have an agreement. He is violating them all the time. Front of family and friends.Like we agree, not to talk about a private issue, in the family gathering, and than he will just change his mind, and tells something to his sister or who ever. So ,I never know, what he will do next...That makes me not be able to know, where are we standing. Everything we seem to have an agreement on, just falls away unexpectedly. Like he says one thing and does the other. Example, he says he is not ever thinking about his past, but than I see him wondering around on the net and looking for people. Than he says its not me ,why he is not into sex, yet there is no evidence for his affection. Than he says, no he is never landing his expensive computer again to his friend, who wrecked it once ,and he had to pay, but than he will do it again. So all agreement is going down the drain all the time. He seem to believe what he says to himself. So it is very difficult to catch him. or convince him. How can I go on with him,or should I leave? I really have no trust, and 'I'm afraid,he will really let me down one day...What do you think,is going on here? thanks
View related questions:
his ex, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Thank so much for your long caring answer. What a wonderful feeling, is that when you feel completely alone on this world, you can turn to total strangers for help, and they help you more than your own family... What a great help this this for people in crises.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 I can't tell you to leave him. If you still love him you will miss him and you will hurt. I can't tell you he has bipolar, only a doctor can do that.I can tell you that bipolar can't be cured, but lithium tablets help smooth out some of the erratic behavior. I can probably guess that his low sex drive is linked to some of his mental issues. Bipolar can be inherited, it can also be caused by a lifetime of stress and trauma.I don't really accept being bipolar... I don't spend all my money or sleep around or decide to grab a plane and save the world. At the extreme end, this is how people can behave and are a danger to themselves. At lower levels it manifests in poor impulse control, inappropriate behavior (like jokes at the wrong time) and an ability to sit down. Still able to function and run a family and go to work. If the depression is at low levels too, then there really isn't any need for treatment and of course he will deny anything is wrong because he is able to function, so he doesn't believe anything is wrong with him.I was diagnosed at hospital under months of 24 hour surveillance, and I only got sent there because of a crisis episode. If your husband is not harming himself or others, it might be impossible to get him to agree to treatment.My family and friends have not withdrawn from me, my behavior is probably the same as it always was, but they act more gentle with me now I have a label. Bipolar (Manic Depression), I'm more depressive than manic, your husband sounds more manic than depressive, but only a doctor can tell.My ex of 18years couldn't stand it anymore, especially because my depressed state was pretty bad. He is happier in his new life, but I know he has regrets about what was lost. My other ex (rebound guy) left after 3months because he felt he was taking advantage of somebody vulnerable. Great guy and my best friend, he visits often and totally understands me, but he works in the mental health field, so he knows how to cope. You do need to develop a thick skin if your partner has mental problems, you also have to learn to switch of and go away when it gets too much. It's impossible if your doing this alone, you need other people to talk to and to lean on. My first ex was all alone and working and studying, as well as looking after me, depressed and bedridden by my illness.People do stay when you have mental illness, but it is very hard as they have to put their needs last. People do leave when you have mental illness, it's not because they don't care, but they don't have the strength to carry on.Again, I say, I don't think you can cure him. Unless he is dangerous there is no way to force him to see a doctor. Check on the web for "loving someone with bipolar" (or any mental illness) there is advice and stories to help inform you.But only you will know if you love him enough and are strong enough to stay or if you are forced to walk away for your own survival.Take tomorrow off, try to have some fun and think about only nice things. Then when your recharged come back to the problem, worrying about it too much could make you sick as well.Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): I'm th OP.
Thanks so much for you answer.
I really appriciate your honesty, and sharing your private life.
I have a really big problem, my husband would not go to doctor. He does not think , he has any problem... Also he has a very normal side, so nobody knows his flaws just me.
His sons, have a lots of symptoms of BP, but there is huge secrecy around it in the family.
In his side of the family there was all kind of young death, but they never said it was suicide.
I'm in big trouble here.
What can you do ,if you can only suspect that something is wrong, but yes, you cant be sure, so all you have left is suffer with the consequences.
I'm in a rough spot. I don't know what can I do .What do you think? Thanks
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 May 2011):
Bipolar is only a suggestion because people who have this condition can have poor impulse control. I'm not really a doctor to diagnose your husband and neither are you, you would need an expert to do that.
Sigh.. I'm bipolar, supposedly when we are manic, we are impulsive, over excited and yes some of his behavior fits this. The other side of the coin is the depression, and you don't say much about that. BPD (Borderline personality Disorder) fits better, because they can be lack empathy, be untrustworthy and erratic. .
You really need to see a doctor if your looking for an explanation. You can go without him, explain to the doctor or counselor the part of your husbands behavior that is disturbing you. If he does how mental issues then it's at a low level because he manages to function in the world, and therefore there might not be any treatment available.
I don't know where your from, but contact your doctor, a counselor or someone who provides mental health services, and tell them your problems and ask if they can help. I suggest you ask for help, I think an explanation or a label for his behavior would go a long way in helping you with this stressful relationship that you have.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): I M the OP,,thanks for the answers. This ideas about bi-polar is veryinteresting and very frightening. I wish ,if I would hear ore about it.I did thin about it, and now you are mentioning it, it is very exciting to me.So that is what happens, he has no empathy, totally true.He looks like he really doesn't think, there is anything wrong with him. To the point , that he wont even apologizing.I do feel , I;m at the end of the rope, because he is like big cross world puzzle. I wonder how can I make some change without track this down.Any more ideas, would be great.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 May 2011):
Do you love this husband with all his flaws? If you do, your going to find it painful to leave and you will just miss him and want to return.Your afraid he will let you down one day. Why not wait for that day to come. I'm afraid to die, but I'm not gonna commit suicide to prepare for that eventuality.Your husband has poor impulse control. Basically he doesn't seem to have any form of self control. From what you say, he is not a truthful man and seems to do the easiest thing rather than what is moral. It's not that he doesn't want to keep promises, rather that he doesn't have that ability. I bet he also has problems with empathy, seeing things from another persons point of view.I don't know how long you've been married, but he's always been like this, and I don't think he can change. It could be due to the way his brain works, it could be due to his upbringing. ADHD is a possible, but so is mild bipolar. He could even have genetic psychopath tendencies (heard a scientist with this type of behavior and that's how he was diagnosed) It would be difficult to say why he's like this and more difficult to say how he could be treated.Bottom line... Is his behavior so unbearable that you no longer want to be with him? Do you love him enough to stay? Would your life without him be better. Do you want to keep this man for a husband or are you so fed up that you want to walk away.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 May 2011):
 Question... is it possible your husband has ADHD?
I ask because I do and that's often what my BF gets upset about... I talk about things after I've agreed not to. I don't do it on purpose either. I don't mean to be passive aggressive... and ADHD is often misinterpreted as either PA or Bipolar...
...............................
|
