A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been in a relationship for about 1 year and 8 months. He is 31 and i just turned 23. I know that i love him with all my heart, and our reltionship is great but he has a big trust issue with me. he thinks htat i am going to hurt him and i have never done things (in my mind) to break that trust. I cound't even dream of being with someone else. He thinks that i have broken my trust because he thinks all my friends are slags and that if i go out with them then i am like that too. I admit the worst thing i have done that made him angry is that i went out clubbing with a fellow girlfriend and i gave two guys a lift to the nearby station that my friend had been talking to in the club, i told him the next day and he always gets angry at me for this and that he says that i don't keep him informed. I am trying so hard to make him see that i have no hidden agenda and that i will never hurt him, but he can't trust me, then we sort it out and he apologises for yelling at me and that he doesn't mean those things (i have never threatened to break up with him, yet he does this to me when he is mad, he says i am too good for him) and he promises htat he has sorted all his issues out. He was badly betrayed in his last relationship and he seems to have no trust in women, how can i convince him otherwise. I tried talking to a councillor but he got mad that i was talking about our problems to someone else. I just want some help, i don't know what to do , i have cut a lot of my friends out of my life for the reasons aformentioned and he has done the same for me, (though i only wanted that because i didn't want him hanging around with criminals who he bitches about and says they are scum anyway) what can i do to get him to trust me 100% like i do him, he seems to have never trusted me, or trusted me withoutletting go of his insecurities.please help
View related questions:
clubbing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): Oh boy! There are so many red flags here! He didn't like that you went clubbing with a woman friend, and gave two guys a lift to the station; he doesn't like that you went to see a counsellor; he calls your friends "slags" and says you're one too if you go out with them (incidentally, how rude can you get? Him, that is); tells you he doesn't trust you and thinks you will hurt him. He yells at you and says you are too good for him. He's correct on that score: you ARE too good for him!
What is so great about this relationship?
He obviously has not resolved his issues, and used to hang out with criminals. Perhaps he was badly betrayed in a past relationship, but given his behavior toward you, is it any wonder? Who would want to put up with the kind of dirt he dishes out?
You can't change or convince him, unless he himself WANTS to be changed. And that sounds questionable. He obviously has insecurity, big-time.
If I were you I'd keep seeing the counsellor for as long as you need, and NEVER MIND what this guy says! You need to look out for yourself in this situation, because this man clearly isn't looking out for you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): Oh dear - you need to be very, very careful with how this relationship is heading.
A man so much older than you should not be showing so many signs of insecurity and anger towards you. You need to be firm and assertive here and lay down some boundaries of what is allowed and what isn't. If you do not do this, his insecurities and jealousy are going to get a lot worse.
First - obviously - someone who has respect for you would never call your friends slags. His behaviour is manipulative and he is making you to choose sides; his side. You are already doing this. The thing with jealousy is; the more submissive you be3come, the more jealous he will be towards you.
Second - you write about the incident with giving those guys a lift as if you have done something wrong - excuse me but - what business is it of his to get angry and yell at you for helping some people out? None. You see how you are excusing his behaviour? This is another very bad sign where he is manipulating you in to feeling bad and wrong for things that shouldn't even be issues.
You obviously love this guy, if you didn't you'd have ran for hills a long time ago but this love is making you blind to how this relationship is going to damage you. He is controlling, manipulative and jealous - by staying with this guy in this kind of relationship you can only possibly make him worse. Not your fault - but these kind of issues can not be solved by a loving girlfriend by his side that accepts him and his bad ways.
I don't think you will ever be able to get him to trust you, nor ever stop his abusive behaviour - it is, for now, the way he is. He has issues that he needs to deal with on his own. Set those boundaries and make him aware that if he oversteps them again, you will leave him. If not for your own sake but for his benefit, that is what you need to do if you love him. At the moment you sound a strong women, but the longer you put up with his insecurity - he emotional problems and his threats of breaking up with you the more it will start to destroy you. To have to post this question is already a sign that your confidence and belief in yourself is wavering.
I hope you have some close friends or family you can turn to. You need to listen to their words in this situation because, from what you have written, there is not one thing that makes me think you have a relationship worth fighting for.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 February 2007):
 Understand that although this feels like it is something about you, it is really only about him. By the sounds of it, he has low self esteem, and is insecure about your relationship because of this. That he says 'you are too good for me' is a clear indicator of this. He can't trust you because he has a voice in his head telling him that you'll 'upgrade' to a better boyfriend when you get the chance.
If you stay together this can go two ways.
The first is that his behaviour drives down your self esteem to his level. He'll feel comfortable when you feel bad, because you will be matched. This happens a lot to people, it is known as an emotionally abusive relationship, and is very unhealthy. My girlfriend was in a relationship like this for years and she is still recovering from it many years later.
The other is that he improves his self esteem up to your level. That he feels he is 'good enough for you'. That way he'll not feel jealous and insecure, and will trust you because he won't think you are looking to 'upgrade' boyfriends.
For him to do this he first of all needs to recognize that he has a problem. He promises that 'he has sorted his issues out' but he hasn't. Then he needs to get help. Councelling / therapy of some sort would be my recommendation. You can help him by being gently supportive of this direction, without being critical or negative.
...............................
|
