| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi, my boyfriend of 3 and a half years suffers from retroactive jealousy. I was no slut in the past, far from it actually, but still, he thinks I was and that's what's ruined us. He knows a guy to whom I gave a BJ to, he knows that guy was a close friend and that I used to have a crush on him. Despite me having had cut contact with that guy for over 3 years, he still believes that my friend was more special, that I liked him more, that he meant more to me because I was willing to do more stuff for him not expecting any type of commitment, etc, etc. It's an endless cycle of comparing himself, and no matter what I do or say to reassure him, there's no way to break his little, sick way of thinking. What's worse is he's a Psychology major and yet he can't recognize how unhealthy he's feeling and acting.Ok, I'm not trying to offend anyone. I know RJ exists, I know it's normal to some extent and it's painful. But he's taken it to an extreme which is unhealthy. He blames me for the relationship failing. He says he feels as though I've cheated on him, which I HAVEN'T! He basically says I'm the problem, that if I hadn't been such a slut in the past, our relationship would be perfect now. Well I could say that the relationship would indeed be perfect, if it weren't because he can't recognize his responsibility in the failure.He feels like he has a right to make me feel bad for my past. Like he has a right to do whatever he wants because I'm not trustworthy. I feel like he thinks I owe him something. I owe him nothing, but still. I have been nothing but faithful in this relationship. I've tried being understanding, and I've always been very affectionate. But that's seemingly not enough.Now he says if I want to stay with him, he wants to start going out and hooking up with other girls. Has cheating on a partner ever helped an RJ sufferer? I want to know. Maybe it's the answer. As crazy as it sounds, I'm willing to tolerate him cheating on me once or twice if it will help him get over these feelings he has. One of his friends suffered RJ and cheated on his girlfriend, years later he told the girlfriend and while it was difficult for her, they overcame it and are very happy now. I'm desperate. I love him tons, and while I hate the thought of him having sex with other girls, if that's what it takes, well...I never had sex with the other guys. I only gave a BJ to that former friend with benefits. I did kiss and make out with two guys I'd just met at bars. I never saw them again. They were "almost-one-night-stands". But I was a virgin and lost my virginity to my boyfriend. I know a lot of you will tell me to just leave him, but I love him so much. We're so much alike. And when he's not upset about my past, he's such a sweet and great boyfriend. It's just that now that he wants to cheat on me, it scares me. I just hate the thought of him with other girls, girls who'll probably be hotter and sexier, and well, what if he falls in love with them? I know I'm risking so much. I honestly don't know what to do. I've tried leaving him but I always come back. I love him so much. I know I haven't done anything that justifies cheating on his part, but still I want him. Help. I'm at a loss. He said he's going out partying tonight, instead of seeing me (which is what we do every Friday night). Of course I stopped going out partying 'cause he doesn't trust me in those environments plus I no longer feel like partying anymore, seems boring. How do I cope?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Retroactive jealousy is understandable.
But using it as an excuse to abuse an innocent partner is not okay.
This is what he is doing. He is trying to make his feelings go away but nothing along this train of thought going to work. Him cheating won't work and I doubt you can ever do enough to "assure him" that you are faithful. (He's not worried you will cheat, he's pissed that it feels ripped off. If the sexual acts for commitment is a bartering deal, then in this sense you liked that other guy so much that you "sold" your favors to him in exchage for less commitment "money" than your BF paid.)
He just has an issue with your past that he has to get over or you need to break up with him. It's great that you are being so understanding about his problem but he is not reciprocating that basic respect anymore. You need to start demanding it.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 February 2010):
Dump him, dump him, dump him. Just dump. and I mean dump him. If he really cared for you, no way would he act like this. He;s just a controlling weirdo who will end up hitting you and treating you like dirt. You can seriously do better.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 February 2010):
 There are givers and takers but unfortunately, some givers give so much of themselves that people will take advantage of them and they will become doormats or people pleaser.
Usually, it's not intentional , but it does happen.
You become a doormat when you agree to do something you know is wrong and/or don’t want to, just because they want you to.
You should be so happy to be around this person, that you go against your personal beliefs and feelings.
You let them walk all over you even if there is dirt on their shoes.
You really need to evaluate your relationship with him . It will not get any better but will only get from bad to worse.
Don't be obligated to do for others because you are afraid they will get mad.
Don't go out of your way to put your life on hold in order to cater to others, so much that you may cancel appointments or never have time for yourself?
Set out your own limits and boundaries.
Do not always conform to his opinions.Don't keep your opinions and feelings to yourself.Air them out.
Find your own voice or you will be forever be controlled by him.The more space you give him , the more he will exploit it .
Understand what is wrong being a doormat. Don't sacrifice your time and energy for something you don't enjoy doing and treat yourself the way you want to be treated.
You are slowly being suffocated and he relished what he is doing to you .
You need to get out before depression hits you . You don't deserve all those treatments.
Love should not have any pains .If there is ,then it is not love.
You will one day regret wasting your time and energy on a fool who does not deserve you .
Where is your self worth and self respect?
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