A
female
age
51-59,
*shmar
writes:hi, i seem to be at a dead end with my new relationship and suppose i need feedback and a little advice on what exactly i should do. ive been in a relationship for 5 months now and he is great he is very affectionate, wonderful lover, interacts really well and everybody loves him. however he has told me in the beginning that he sometimes dabbles in recreational drugs, i was very concerned in the beginning and it caused a few problems and he tells me that it only happens on the odd occasion, 5 months down the track i have noticed it is happening a couple of times a month, the kind of drugs are cocaine and speed. he tells me i am over reacting and its nothing to be worried about. however after the all arguments he still continues. he trys to play it down, but i have have finally become jack of it, but i dont want to end it because i care for him greatly. however i am 37 and he is 36, how can there be a future when im trying to change the way he is? help
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female
reader, helpjayne  +, writes (13 November 2008):
 ofcourse you have the right. you care about him and he should understand that, if he truly respects you he will listen to you and your concerns and if he makes you feel like you don't have the right then he's not worth it i mean it's not like your telling him you think he should change as a person. ur telling him not to do something thats ilegal and dangerous.
A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (13 November 2008):
 Run as fast as you can! You are old enough to know what drugs do to people and relationships. He will drag you into a lot of negativity. Have you ever heard of anyone's life improving because they use drugs?
Don't see him at all. Just tell him on the phone you can't have anything to do with men that use drugs and it is a very big deal. If he thinks its not a big deal, he's got serious problems that will only make your life total hell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): Did You understand my previous answer??? Ultimatums don't work with drug-users! They live for their drugs. They have no conscience, the are incapable of true love...they need more than love! You have every right in the world to let him know what your expectations are whether it's been 5 months or 5 days...but if he is unable to meet your expectations, then you have the right to walk away! If you keep hangin in there with him, it shows a lack of respect for yourself which in turn causes him not to take you seriously and to lose respect for you! If you do give him an ultimatum...Mean it! Stick to it! All this advice I give you is from me learning from the thousands of mistakes I've made! Since I left him 2 years ago, I have met the most amazing guy I've ever known and I realize how I truly deserve to be treated, and I'm happier than I've ever been. And when I finally left for good I was 56 yrs old. I thought I would never be in love again. But even so, I knew being alone would be better than being with him!
He died last August and I know he is finally at peace. Nothing was ever going to change!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): Do you have the right?????????? Of course you have the right to tell someone to get off drugs, you and everyone else who cares about him must tell him.....but you aren't going to be able to fix him.....he is going to have to have someone with power over him financially to do that and he will do this for many years until he is deep into his addiction. He has to want to quit and don't expect him to do it for you, he won't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): I have to agree with the previous responses, It will only get worse...I know I lived with it for 17 years...the lies the lack of money, the failed attempts, and eventually the beatings. It was crack cocaine and meth (speed) For a while he dragged me down with him, (and he will try to get you into it just to get you off his case...not that he will enjoy sharing his stash with you, but he'll do it anyway. Addiction is a progressive desease...untreated, it only gets worse! And by the way he was 34 when I met him. On August 30 2008, he died of a massive heart attack at the age of 51! I still miss him, and I will always have a place in my heart for that man I married so many years ago, but at the end he was nothing like that. I finally did divorce him 2 years ago (in fear of my life) but although I hated his behavior, I never stopped loving him! I realize though that I wasted almost two decades that I can never get back! Every waking minute was spent worrying, in fear, and utter desperation!Please don't waste your life! Get out before you can't get out! You can't fix him!
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female
reader, ashmar +, writes (12 November 2008):
ashmar is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni am having dinner 2 night with him, i want to tell him to give it up completeley, but i feel i have no right to do that as we have only been together for 5 mnths. do i have the right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Give him a couple of months to give up. If he isn't taking it very often then it shouldn't be too hard for him. If he breaks the promise then end it. I mean if he's only taking it as often as he says he does, then I wouldn't be overly concerned for now, but there is always the possibility that he takes it more than he says he does or that it will escalate and his addiction will get worse. At least he hasn't tried to influence you with them.
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female
reader, helpjayne +, writes (12 November 2008):
sit down with him calmly and tell him you don't like the idea of him taking these drugs tell him he's a completely different person to you on the drugs and that you'd like it if he could stop taking them as much. it's not like he needs the drugs and at 36 maybe he's being a little irresponsible as he knows what drugs can do to people. tell him the drugs don't make him who he is and your not trying to change him as a person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): If he is using recreational drugs like speed and cocaine several times a month (and those are the times you know about) these are addictive drugs, and he has a habit.
Tell him you don't want to have a relationship with a man of 36 who is dabbling in illegal substances, you don't want it in your house and you don't see any future with a man who is in love with drugs.....this is a really bad sign and an absolute deal breaker, doesn't matter how much you care for him, you can't have a relationship with a user, as the only thing he really loves is drugs.
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female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (12 November 2008):
 I don't think you are over-reacting, as it's a serious issue. It makes things all the harder when everybody likes him, and you are wondering where the relationship is going.
You have known him long enough to see the warning signs.
I don't want to tell you to split up, but I certainly wouldn't have any part in a relationship with a guy who "dabbles" in drugs.
Even if it's so called occasional, how do you really know that? Plus if he is holding down a job, how do you know that this won't affect his job? Or indeed just affect the quality of time together with you, or indeed the capacity to get everyday things done.
I am talking practically - safety too. The staying in bed until 3pm to sleep things off, etc is hardly practical and hardly what you would want to live with.
Fiona.
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