A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been arguing because, when we are together, he often zones out and does not reply to what I am saying. I always respond to his concerns, but if he is zoning out (which happens often, even though we only see each other one day a week), he ignores me and gets very angry if I push him to listen to me. I've tried just being quiet, doing my own thing, but then he starts asking what's wrong. I feel like I have to have an "audience" with him to really have his attention-like I am being compartmentalized. We talked about it last night, and when I said that his behavior was making me feel disconnected from him, he told me that he will never understand me completely and was not required to do so. He also said he felt like I didn't understand relationships-that I have to understand there is an ebb and flow to connection and and that I am being needy. (I do understnad that, btw-I'm very busy and independent, not even that social-I can go a month without seeing or talking to my best friend and pick up where I left off.)He did say that his exgf of 5 years broke up with him for the same reason, and he has lost a close friend for the same reason, but he thinks it's a woman thing, and that I need to change, not him. Another thing he said was that he needs his cave time and it feels like I am poking the bear in his cave. Any insights into this?
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female
reader, loops  +, writes (9 February 2010):
... continued from last answer (i clicked the button too quick.
The biggest advice i can give you is this is all down to what you can tollerate, he sounds very stubborn and very unwilling to compromise (my other half has become a lot more understanding with how i feel about his responses). Can you deal with the fact he will probably never change? Is your relationship good otherwise? If the answer is no i would probably reccommend leaving him as you will only end up feeling down and depressed and completely disconnected from someone your suppose to feel completely connected to! I hope this helps
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 February 2010):
 He doesn't realize women talk for the sake of expressing feelings. For him there is no point talking if it doesn't get anywhere, or if there's no problem to be fixed. A female friend is a better listener. I think you two need to find a way to make conversations fun, and adapt to each other's way of relating.
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (9 February 2010):
Hi there.
I hope I've understood you here as you seem to be in a similar situation to myself and my other half. He is very much a person who likes his own space, he can also be quite distant when im not around him and sometimes if i ask him something, or say something he either doesn't want to answer or doesn't know how to answer he will simply not answer! This used to cause a lot of problems between us, in a similar way to yours is now by the sounds of it, he frustrated me because of the fact he didnt listen, i used to push him to speak to me etc, and i too tried the silent/get on with it, but i didnt really want to i just did it because i thought i needed to.
Things only changed when I accepted that was who he was (its not just me hes like that with hes like that with family/friends/etc) and started being happy to see him when we both wanted to, and having a life outside of him (friends/ degree/ work etc) so that i didnt feel i was 100 percent relying on him. Since then our relationship has improved tripple fold, i give him his space and get on with my own stuff, then we see each other regulary, talk to each other regulary and when he does zone out, i just let him get on with it, and do something else!
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