A
female
age
41-50,
*enn needs help
writes:Me and my husband have been married a little over a year. I found out he had been talking to someone else for over 4 months. He swears nothing is going on. He says i'm crazy because i'm bipolar and it's all in my head. He hardly ever wants to have sex and when we do he has a problem getting and keeping an errection. I'm 5'5 and 125lbs so it's not that i've gained alot of weight. I get alot of attention from other guys, so why not my husband. He sent me a text today that said, maybe I can find a woman that turns me on cuz you damn sure don't. Then the next text said, you dont even do it in bed no more, do your exercizes and give me oral. I do give oral all the time and he still doesn't get an errection. He blames me for everything. I don't understand. I'm at the point of giving up. Other guys want me, but the man I love and married don't. He won't admit to the affair he was having until I left the girl a msg that he is married. He has been so mad since I left that message. I'm far from ugly, most guys find me very attractive. Someone help me please. He tells me i'm just bipolar and i'm stupid. He is always putting me down. I just wanna save my marriage but how?
View related questions:
affair, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): oh this sounds very difficult for you. You appear vert cleay on parting ways and are already emotionally 'out' of the relationship.Does he work?If he does I think you have not choice but to be strong and brave and pack all his things one day when he is definately out. Get a friend to stay with you all that day and do it while your son is at school or at a friends.Get a locksmith to change the locks, ask your friend to help pay for it.Then put his things outside with the note explaining it over and that you absolutely need your space and peace and that you do not feel safe with him.Try and get a good female border in to help pay for bills.I hope this is a good solution, if you have no money it makes it much harder for you to get out.Do you have nice friends or neighbours that can help you and stay with you for a while? It might seem hard to reach out to a neighbour but if they are decent they will help and it's not your fault things are difficult.
A
female
reader, jenn needs help +, writes (2 March 2011):
jenn needs help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyour right. but my son is 10 he does understand what is goin on and its putting more stress on him. i have decided its best we part our ways but he says hes not leaving. then he threatns to kill hisself and me im in a dangerous situation. i dont have proof so the police wont help. i tried that. they just told me since i owned this place before he moved in and we got married serve him with a legal separtation paper then get evection notice. then if he does anything get a restraing order. thats florida for ya. i have to wait til he does something to get help in the county im in. i have no income so i cant file anything. and a peice of paper wont keep him away or from harming me. he was a ranger in the army he is a deadly wepon just with his bare hands. im screwed either way. this county is crooked. he said he wouldnt harm my kids just me. that dont make things better. he needs help and wont get it and im stuck dealing with it. i have to be here for my son who is mentally ill. my other son is almost grown. i cant send my 10 yr old to his dad due to his violence he only allowed superviesed visits. my family doesnt live around here. im all alone in a world where noone cares. or thats how i feel right now. pretty bad when the people who are supose to protect you wont help (police)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): You said 'I feel trapped' so I guess that this means you etiher want out or that you can't find the right solution right now.
I think before you make a decision you should spend quality time with your son and reassure him as much as he needs that there will not be any distress in his life. Then i think you might need to write down a private plan for some constructive changes in your environment. Tell him how much you love him and that you are doing lots of things to make things better for him.
Make some simple changes that will give you and your Son some immediate relief. Only you know what these might be but is is obviously important that you take some steps to getting some peace, before things escalate, as it sounds to me as if your Son feels very anxious and is picking up on your husbands negativity towards you. Your son will be too young to understand why things have changed.
Have a firm quiet discussion with your husband and may I suggest that you please ask a social worker to be present, considering your Son has some mental issues. This will ensure your safety and also get your husband to back off a bit knowing there is someone else aware of what is going on.
I wouldn't surprise your husband with the social worker but perhaps just say your son is very anxious and you are just going to get someone to stop by and have a chat your son to help with him to help him with his issues. It feels and seems quite important to me that you do get some third party intervention in the near future - after you have had a day to think of any constructive changes that are good for yourself and your son.
May I add that staying in a relationship for the sake of your son is not necessarily the criteria for making a good decision that will help you both, rather thinking of stability right now and how to get some emotional peace and get your son settled for the next year is far better. Whether or not this means staying in an improved environment with your husband or leaving is up to you and hopefully a third party will help with this.
...............................
A
female
reader, jenn needs help +, writes (1 March 2011):
jenn needs help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all. i do recive counciling but he wont he says its all me. i have a son who also has mental problems and is very attached. he begged me not to make my husband leave. his dad doesnt have much to do with him and he loves my husband very much. it hasnt been like this the whole time we were together. he was great for a long time then all of a sudden things went downhill. he use to want me and was very loving and caring thats why i married him. he was a great guy. but just outta the blue bam its like it disapeared. he is great with my son. thats why i stay. i know thats not a good reason but my son cant understand why i would make him leave cuz he is so good to him. i feel traped.
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 March 2011):
Why did you marry this man?? You've been married just over a year - why did you take vows with him essentially promising to be with him forever until death do you part? Is this the kind of life you want??
One person - i.e. you - can't save a marriage because it takes two. I really don't see your husband wanting to save your marriage because he has such utter contempt for you. So your options are to either accept that this is how your life will be from now on (which is really bad for you), or divorce...when you divorce you're basically breaking your vows, that's not a nice thing to have on your conscience. And yet, to stay married to someone like this is disgusting and very bad for you. So you're in a double bind.
that said, I absolutely think you should divorce him. He has nothing but contempt for you and is emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse usually gets worse with time, not better or even staying the same. And besides why would you want to stay with someone who has such disgust and contempt for you? (I'm just wondering why you even married such a person to begin with, I don't think he changed overnight did he?)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): I'm sorry to disagree with the other poster, but for your sake, couples therapy would only do damage to you and get your hopes up. If this behaviour is in someones heart and mouth it is not good for you at all and it will not change. Try and remember that all your good points, remember that you are worth having as a great wife, you have done nothing wrong, is is a silly boy with bigger issues of his own. This has nothing at all to do with you being bi bolar.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): Your marriage is not worth saving. He is a nasty piece of work. you deserve better, get a friend to help you and leave. Get a lawyer (a free one from your local place if you need). Keep the text for proof of his behaviour to ensure you come out okay financially.
All the best with finding a good life and a much better man that treats you well.
...............................
A
female
reader, lucylu000  +, writes (28 February 2011):
Normally I would say he's a pig and you deserve so much better, but I know you are married and it's not something you want to give up on so easily. Have you thought about couples theropy? This way you could open up to each other in a non aggressive way. Your husband says your "crazy" but if you go to a counsellor this will help you to deal with what is actually going on. Its completely unacceptable that your husband is using your bipolar as an excuse claiming you're over reacting.
Your husband sounds so uncaring, why put yourself through it? I understand you want to give it a chance I really do. But i suggest if that fails you should consider leaving him, no one deserves to be treated in that way. You are worth more than how he is treating you. xx
...............................
|
