A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't even know where to start.:( My boyfriend has this ex who he can't let go of. She has been a big problem in our life. She lives far from us but that doesnt seem to matter. When I found out I was pregant he promised me he was done talking to her and that he wanted to be a family. I took his word. Well something told me to pick his phone up and look at it and here there was texts to each other, I caught him e-mailing her and he tried to log of his email when i walked in the room. He has broke that trust with me and now i have a hard time trusted when it comes to her. I feel like he is always talking to her now. So now i have a hard time trusting him :(. He had facebook which he opened for her a while back and he had her as a friend and I asked him to erase her and cut ties with her so he erases the whole facebook instead. why can't he just erase her. Well time went on and his mom still talks to her and supposly she is getting married now yeah right and he opens facebook when i was gone and says he opened facebook up and logged off right away after he opened it. Does that make any sense? I think he wanted to check her out and see what she has been up to or he wanted her to talk to him first. I said I don't care that you have facebook but I don't want her in our life and knowing what we are doing. She is trouble and starts drama. I have been dealing with this on going thing forever. Now we have a baby together and im scared to be a single mom. But its like he has no resepect for me. He says im crazy and i need help and that im insecure yet he is the one who lied to me but its my fault? Why is he putting this on me? Why can't he let her go? He chose her feelings over mine. So now he closed his facebook again and wouldn't erase her as a friend? What do I do?
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female
reader, moon river  +, writes (3 March 2011):
 sounds like he's trying to distract you as his problem is much worse
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): I've been through a similar situation as you - although I am not pregnant with his baby! I can totally relate to that awful feeling of dread you get in your stomach when worrying whether or not he is contacting her and vice versa. Perhaps you need to try some shock tactics, like the previous post suggested. Maybe leave home for a few days, or prior to that give him an ultimatum. Perhaps arrange a night where you two go out for a romantic meal or something or other, perhaps in a neutral territory (where you can leave or he can if it goes the wrong way) and make it clear just how this is making you feel. My current boyfriend's ex was an ex of 5 years and still hasn't gone away. She has been obsessed with him since they broke up and is still madly in love with him - when we were dating she would constantly text (all I would see is her face on his phone if I looked over to check if it was her), she constantly posted on his facebook (making me think he had some kind of fling back in his home country - he is from continental Europe) and she used to ring him every few days. In fact, he didn't recognise her number once, she rang when we were lying in bed together, crying and screaming down the phone because he'd blocked her on facebook (after I insisted). In fact, he'd already told me at the start of the relationship that they were 'just friends', but I knew she was still in love. I then found out he'd been lying to me - unbelievable! Needless to say I went ape. I could really go on about all the occasions she has done things and not gone away, but I don't want to bore you. But please don't feel you're alone. I couldn't understand WHY he was allowing it if he no longer had feelings for her, or so he claimed. However, one thing I found important to remember throughout this process (this went on from day 1 of our relationship) is not to let her come between what you share with that other person. It's exactly what she wants. Explain to him you're not comfy with this friendship, and say you don't feel the need to be friends with ex's because generally, it doesn't work out well and in the end is selfish when you're in another relationship. My advice is, give him an ultimatum - it's me or her. Demand that he cancel the friendship - but do it in a loving way. Hold his hand, look in his eyes, tear up and tell him how much you love him and don't want to share him with anyone else. This really worked for me - use your feminine ways to get to his heart, because he clearly cares for you. Tell him you're the mother of his child and you want it to be just you and him, and how perfect that is. Ask him to delete her number, (block it if necessary), block her on facebook, block her on his email account and just move on. If he can't do this for you, ultimately he's not worth it. Good luck hun!!
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A
female
reader, ittakeswork +, writes (3 March 2011):
You need to get rid of him. You deserve better than this, don't you see that? He is using you and her. He doesn't want to commit to you, which is why he is still hanging on to his ex. This is wrong. Just let him go his way, and if you are meant to be together, then you will be.
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A
male
reader, sirch +, writes (3 March 2011):
Obviously I don't know the details of what she's like or what she's done in the past, but your boyfreind seems pretty commited to you, and I genuinely don't think that you need to feel threatened by her.I can see why your upset about him breaking his promise, but it is an odd request to make if he is only talking to her. Thousands of people become freinds with their exs in a completely non-romantic way, and maybe this is the same.Try thinking about it the other way around; if your boyfreind went around checking your e-mails and texts you'd probably get annoyed at him for not trusting you and being paranoid. Even more so if he then stated telling you to stop talking to your male freinds because he thought you liked them sexually.Sorry if this answer isn't what you want to hear, but I can't help but feel that you're maybe over reacting a little bit. I don't think he chose her feelings over yours at all,I think he cares about you very much (I mean a baby is a huge commitment for both parents, he can't have taken it lightly), but he wants to be able to choose his freinds as well.I'd suggest talking to him about why you don't her in your life, talk about how she's hurt you and him (if she has) and hear him out. Don't try to overbear him or turn it into a shouting match because he will just agree with whatever you say to keep the peace. You need to hear his honest oppinions and come to a fair compremise (ie he can talk to her but not meet up with her) or somthing you both feel secure with.I can imagine he's just as frustrated and confused as you are.
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A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (3 March 2011):
 Seems like your boyfriend hasn't been able to process the end of his previous relationship with his ex. The best thing I can suggest is to try talking respectfully about their past relationship with him (his opinion with why it didn't work) and then, ask what he thinks he can do to avoid his prior mistakes; making things better with your relationship. After all, that's what life is about; learning from your mistakes. Now, if he isn't working with you on it and doesn't want to try to fix anything...then you need to back off of the relationship, because he's throwing big red flags. It's best if you back off, because at that point you would've been as supportive as you could and it's not right he's doing things behind your back. Hope all works out! Take care.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2011):
 Yes he did break the trust, but its obvious that he didnt want to stop contact with her and that is why he done it in secret. You said that you saw messages between them, was he flirting with her, it might just be a case that he wants to be a friend with her and if that is the case then it might be just best that you allow him to be her friend if you force him to stop talking to her then you might just push him away.
You need to sit down and have a long honest talk with him. Ask him why he feels the need to keep her in his life and tell him that yes you are feeling insecure because he lied to you. Tell him he is free to do what he wants as long as he is honest with you.
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