A
female
age
36-40,
*hatfreshhellisthis
writes:Dave* and I have been friends for around 5 years, he's always claimed to have a 'thing' for me but due to his popularity with other women I've never believed him.We lost touch for around a year and when we began talking again in March there was an instant spark and so we decided to get together. It was perfect for the first four months but work/university commitments began to really test us come September, still we fought through and came out stronger.Then he began getting distant again and during the second week of November, he suggested we go on a break and I agreed because I knew he was having a lot of family problems at the time and possibly needed the space. He promised we'd get back together and we continued to talk every day.However for the past two weeks or so things have been going wrong. He has an anger problem, he's never violent toward people and I've never been scared of him, he just tends to smash up his posessions. I seem to be increasingly invoking his anger.. And it's always silly things like I'll acidently talk about an episode of s TV series he hasn't seen yet or he'll put the phone down and I'll text to ask if he's okay (to be honest I should know not to do the last one, I know he hates it, I just worry about him). It climaxed in a fight on Sunday, he told me I was bad for him and then in a fit of anger that he never wanted to speak to me again, that I wasn't to contact him ever. Obviously there was some yelling on my part too, which was wrong of me. So he hung up and I went to bed feeling like my life was over only to have him call 2 hours later and apologise.We never really talked about what happened, still haven't.. I was just pathetically grateful he wasn't gone forever. We spoke all Sunday evening, quite intimately and spent a few hours on the phone yesterday.. a few hours during which he was incredibly distant and kept calling me 'mate'.I don't understand why I'm all of a sudden making him so angry, I mean I know I'm not perfect and I can be moody, I keep a lot of stuff bottled up and sometimes he feels like he can't come to me but I'd never intentionally hurt him. Though part of me wonders if it's to do with the trust issues he appears to have with me; he's never been able to fully trust me, he often accuses me of cheating on him. Says 'he knows' I have. I haven'tand I don't know why he won't believe me; I've never cheated before (infact I've been cheated on numerous times, I wouldn't) and i'm hardly out all the time; for a university student I'm not the most social of people, I still live at home and only tend to go on a night out if it's a special occasion.I just don't know what to do. I really don't want to lose him from my life, I love him both as a partner and a friend but I also want what's best for him. I don't want to be bad for him, he deserves better than that.So do I stay or go? Or just any advice you can offer, thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): Sometimes two people are simply not compatible together. This may well be a big part of the problem here.
BUT this man sounds as if he has serious personal issues, not the least of which is anger management. You say he smashes his possessions, and accuses you of having had affairs, without justification. Telling you you're "bad for him" and saying you make him angry is another huge red flag.
Mind you, its understandable that when someone starts yelling at us, we tend to yell back. Have you ever been the one to start a fight with him?
Even if you have, as I said he has very real problems controlling his temper and this is something you surely don't need. Therefore, when he told you he never wants to hear from you again - ever - you would do well to do just that: cut off all contact completely and let it be an unchangeable decision on your part.
Painful? Yes, but you need to think of your own happiness and even personal safety. He has the makings of an abuser.
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (2 December 2008):
 Hi,
I really feel for you, but rather than you being bad for him, I feel its the other way round. You are putting his emotional needs above your own, and thats never a good thing. I have no doubt that you love him, but if I were you I would let him go because you are worth so much more.
I dont think he intentionally wants to hurt you, but I think he will if you carry on.
The trust issue that he has with you, are you sure that he isn't cheating on you?, and that's why he is being distant and moody.
I really am sorry to say, but I think there is more to this than meets the eye. I have always found in the past that men who act like this are sneeking around. I could be wrong of course, and I hope I am. Just dont let him un-load his emotional baggage on you.
Think about what would be best for you sweetheart.
XX Tellulah
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): Hi,
Maybe the problems you mentioned he has with his family are what's causing him to explode he may well be keeping from you the real reason what is bothering him and vents his anger on you because he can!
Having a break sounds a good idea at this point give him some space to sort out his head and whatever it is that is getting him so angry sorted.
You will have to be patient at this time do not call or text him if he asks you not too or if you know it makes him worse he is trying to sort something out here and does'nt know how too i feel and therefore is taking his frustrations out on you give it some time and if he does'nt change after a reconcilation then you may have to ask yourself where this is going for you?
Ginalolabridga
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