A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A girl (lets call her A) has a dispute with her bf (lets call him R.) They have met whilst studying abroad and had a long distance relationship. Whilst abroad they were just dating, but their talks and the way they related to each other could be described as intimate. During that time R. was mentioning to her his "very good friend": a girl (lets call her C) who was his ex-flatmate and who he said understood him well. A. asked him if there was anything between them, to which he replied no. She also asked him if he had a previous relationship with anyone and he said no. C. then came to visit him and they seemed to be just friends. R seemed to be a pretty private person when it came to past relationships saying that he didn't have much experience, and so A. , knowing almost nothing about his love life (apart from the fact that he was in love with a girl when he was a teen)A. teased him sometimes asking if he ever slept with C. (Meanwhile A and R have moved in together).After approximately a year into the relationship R actually admitted that he had slept with C. The way he said sounded as if he was friends with her and ended up sleeping with her because they needed some closeness whilst living in a flat share. Perfectly normal situation. Two years into the relationship during an argument R said that C. was actually his gf before and not just a flatmate. He also said that he had slept with C whilst dating A.that time when C came to visit him abroad. A. is totally upset about the fact that he was not honest to her for such a long time and basically lied to her (he says that he simply didn't tell the truth without telling a "proper"lie) A. would certainly not be jealous that he slept with C, or that C was his girlfriend, but she presumed that he was honest from the beginning, which turned out not to be true. R. says that he didn't feel comfortable disclosing this to her at the start and didn't see a reason to tell her later as he didn't love C and he preferred that whole story to remain in the past as it finished before A and R became a couple. She is angry with him that he was not honest to her, whilst for him the fact that he kept this bit of information secret is an expression of a personal right to privacy.She feels that she stopped trusting him, because if he was not truthful about this one silly thing, then maybe other things he told her are not true either.She also feels that since she met C and she might also meet her again, it would have been more comfortable for her to know C simply as R's ex girlfriend and not just a "friend". The whole "secret" thing just seems weird to her.He feels that he has done nothing wrong as he has the right to keep things private. He also said that he has had little experience of relationships before and therefore didn't know at that time how to behave in that situation/ also currently doesn't know what is the right way to act in such a situation in a relationship.Hence this post, to see what would you do if you were in his or her shoes and also what is your opinion on this conflict.Do his actions seem weird to you? does she overreact?Any thoughts would be great.
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, flatmate, his ex, jealous, long distance, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (2 December 2008):
 Not telling the truth is a 'proper lie'. He lied to you. You asked his speifically about his relationship with C on several differant occasions and he outright lied about it. Wanting to keep things private is absolutely no excuse. He did not have to discuss intimate details of his relationship with her as a matter of privacy, but to lie about the nature of it is wrong. I do not think you have overreacted at all and can certainly understand your misaprehensions about trusting him. Depending on how good your relationship is outside of this one thing you may be able to salvage the relationship, but he needs to face facts and make a sincere apology for this transgression.
|
