A
female
age
51-59,
*anta
writes:Urgent Advice Needed PleaseHello everyone who helps people on Agony Aunt.I really need some advice regarding a long distance male I have had contact with for the last 6 months. He lives in Sydney. I live in Perth.To cut a long story short when I found him on Oasis I was quite vulnerable and hadn't been long out of a 3 year abusive relationship and was quite lonely etcThis guy seemed very kind, sweet, and lovely. Called me kitten, Sweet dreams etc and text me about 20 times a day for quite a while. He wanted pics of me and it started as pictures of my face etc. It then led to more intimate pics. I felt a bit awkward about it at first but then got into the swing of things and really enjoyed exchanging intimate pics etc. Seemed like harmless fun and the phone sex was great. This guy by the way was very interested in anal sex, it seemed more than vaginal sex. Being non-judgemental I was cool about that though. Anyway throughout the last 6 months I have mentioned that I would love to meet him in Sydney and he said in the beginning and probably a couple of months ago that he would like to meet me and that i could stay at his place. He also told me that he has a flatmate Jenny who I have questioned him about and he has told me on more than one occasion that she is only a flatmate and there is nothing more between them. Anyway a couple of months ago I said that I would probably feel better staying in a hotel. He said at the time that he thought that was cool. A couple of weeks later I said that I was a bit short of cash and he said Oh just come and stay at my house.Anyway, the last couple of weeks things have heated up a bit and I am finding that I really can't move on and really want to meet him, although am still feeling uncomfortable about his flatmate. Whether or not this is because I have been deceived in the past or something else I don't know. Anyway, I have been seriously thinking about going over and something made me say to him that I would prefer to stay with him. His reply was to get a hotel for 3 nights and then stay with him for the last 4. His reasoning behind this was that we would have more privacy in a hotel etc. and that I wasn't understanding the fun factor. A week ago he said that the reason why he said I could stay at his place and now he has changed his mind is because of all the turmoil? and that he didn't want someone staying in his house who he hadn't met before. I am feeling very confused about his comments and change of mind about staying at his house.( My gut feeling was that after the three days of having sex with him that I wouldn't even get a foot in his front door and he would make up some excuse that he didn't think that we got along. I told him today how I felt about Jenny etc and he got quite upset with me and thinks that I am judging him and that he is not like the men I have seen in the past. Since I have made these comments to him he has been far more attentive, phoning me where as before he only phoned my for phone sex and he is asking me whether I am cool about things. He seems to be a lot keener all of a sudden but still seems adamant that I or we stay in a hotel for the first three nights. He has offered to pay but this is not any consolation to me. I'm scared of getting hurt. Am I being too cautious or do I have reasons to feel this way. I want to meet him but am not sure what else I can say. I have suggested for me to stay with him for the first three nights and then a hotel for 4 however he doesn't want it that way due to wanting alone time with me at first etc.I then said well I would like to meet Jenny at his house prior to going to the hotel. He said that was fine but that he wasn't going to speak to her to arrange for her to be there when I was there or chase her up etc. He said if she's there she's there. If she's not she's not.He says if I bring up the Jenny situation again that he is going to end it with me all together as he is sick of it. WHAT SHOULD I DO ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): First off like others have said, stop bringing up Jenny. If you keep bringing it up, no matter how you mean it to come out he will just feel constantly accused and not trusted. You're just going to offend him more if you keep asking.About the the hotel thing, you have to remember he could be as nervous about a lot of this as you are. It makes sense to want some privacy with you before he brings you into his world.If you're worried about his intentions, try suggesting going out for dinner and just doing "date" stuff for the first day or two and see where things go from there.But don't talk any more about Jenny until you've at least met the girl.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): What should you do? Do you really have a choice? He told you he'd end if you mentioned her again, so stop mentioning it. It's very disheartening for people to get constantly accused of somethign that they are clean of. If he had a thing goin with Jenny, do you think he'd be arranging to meet with you and talking with you online all the time, and texting, etc.?
And maybe he is lyeing about his reasons for not wanting you in his house the whole time. But i can't imagine why? What do you expect to find when you walk in that he's hiding? Jenny walking around in a thong? Him having sex on the living room floor eventhough he knows you're coming? I don't see why he would have to lie about that. It makes sense to me, to want the privacy since he has a flatmate. You shoudl be happy! You don't really want to see Jenny the whole time you're visiting him do you? Take it from me, hotels are a good solution to privacy. Even as a married woman, i have gotten hotel rooms with my husband for privacy instead of staying with relatives.
I think you should call down. Maybe he will break your heart, so don't give it to him all at once. Maybe he'll cheat on you, hurt you, etc. but maybe he wont? your choice is to live being afraid that he will, or to live enjoying yourself and h oping for the best; taking the bad as it comes. But not looking for it.
Life is what you make it, darling.
~Sy.
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