A
female
age
41-50,
*ostgal123
writes:i have been with my bf for 3 years, i knew he has been cheating. we have discussed why do men cheat? and he answered that man can have sex with other women but not having any feeling for them, so i should not get upset. as long as he is nice to me, it is okay for him to cheat and i should not check on him. if i don't check on him, i will be a happier person because i will not find out his affair and thus will not feel sad... i have read from many articles that men cheat because the wife/gf did not provide her man with enough attention and/or sex. So i give him lots of both and he likes it. i thought things are getting better, we spend more time together, less quarrel... but until recently i found out that things are not what i thought.i have snooped his emails and there are very sexual messages like "Why u like giving me blowjob?", "If you can please me, then there is no need for me to have sex with other women."... i nearly fainted when i read these messages. i wanted to confront him but i am not sure which is the best way. he is very smart and whenever we argued, even he is in the wrong position, he will make me feel bad and behave as if he did nothing wrong (cos i did not dare to tell him that i actually snooped his emails and sms, and i knew exactly what he did). i really wanted to show-hand this time, but will he blame me for snooping his emails and make me feel bad again? is it true that as long as he is nice and done his part being a bf, i should not interfere in his affair?please, ladies and gentlemen, i need your advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): My advice would be to dump him immediately. His lousy argument is just an excuse to have his cake and eat it. Create a better life for yourself.
A
female
reader, Lostgal123 +, writes (9 June 2008):
Lostgal123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all very much for your advise! I really appreciated your help. It is right that i shouldn't be afraid of telling him what/how i know about him... no matter what, my self-righteously dignity is definitely higher than his.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (8 June 2008):
 I know you feel guilty about snooping in his emails - but if he has the hide to get stuck into you for this then there would be some major hipocrosy going on...let's face it, his values and ethics are way below average!!! Three words come to mind...POT, KETTLE, BLACK!!!Anyway - that's beside the point - he would just be shifting the "blame" for the situation - and he can't. You have the proof you need - he is cheating, and he continues to show you his true colours every time he lies to your face about it. I know that you want him to explain it to you - because you are dying inside and don;t see why/how he could treat you like this....but sweetie, no matter what he tells you or how he tries to justify it you will NEVER truly understand his behaviour. You need to try and accept that and focus on moving on from this situation. Talk with him about it if you think that's what you need to do - but...I don;t think that is going to change anything..I hope you will find strength within yourself and have a bright, positive future away from this man very soon.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (7 June 2008):
 You're looking for advice on tactics.
I think you can reveal that you peeked at his email. And ask him what they meant.
If he becomes self-righteously indignant about how low you are for snooping in his email, you are perfectly within your rights to tell him that it's not as low as him sleeping with other women.
From what you say, it sounds like he'll try and make out that your sins are far greater than his. Don't accept this crap. You've got the proof you need. You are quite entitled to walk out on him. If it takes a bit of snooping around to find how morally despicable he is, that's not your fault, it's his, for being so dishonest!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): That low life cheat doesn't deserve anything from you! I would just pack up my things and be gone some evening he gets home. Leave no explanation or reason as to why you are gone. Change your number so he can't ring/contact you. You deserve better than this cheat in your life. If you confront him he will twist and bend things to make you feel bad and think its your fault that he cheated!!! No matter what "proof" you will show him he will always try and make out that its your fault!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 June 2008):
 In my opinions, I think you should give him the reasons why you are leaving him.
You have to give him the right to defend or explain .
It is more fairer this way.
Otherwise it could be a misunderstanding or miscommunication.
Better to listen from the horse mouth.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Get rid of this loser!!!! Before he gives you a STI.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Walk away away from this sack of crap and be very thankful you only wasted 3 years on him. Just think if you had married him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Look, let's not beat around the bush here - get rid of the twat! End of story. Never mind about the why's and wherefores - just dump him!
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A
female
reader, Lostgal123 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Lostgal123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks all for your advise.
he never admitted that he has cheated on me. because i dare not tell him what i knw, hence when each time i questioned him whether is he cheating, he will keep on denying and blame me for accusing him.
i knw that in order to stop him from denying, i have to show "proof" (i.e. mentioned what i saw in his emails). then again, he will blame me for snooping his emails...
should i confront him (i really want to know why he cheat) or just leave him without a word?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): If it's okay for him to cheat, then it's okay for you to cheat. I bet if you told him that, he'd blow his top.
While I don't condone the snooping, it's quite fine not to tell him, because he has admitted that he is cheating on you. You just found further proof of his own admission.
Your boyfriend puts you down in order to make himself feel superior, and to keep you under his thumb. He's manipulating you.
You deserve better than that. You deserve better than him. Go out and be on your own for a while. Find your own strength before you get into another relationship.
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Hunni, this has happened to me, and it took me 6 months, then I got fed up with it and ended it. She'd tell me about having sex with other people. and she told me cheating was fun! I forgave her and forgace her, eventually I got fed up!! Hopefully you'll do the same!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 June 2008):
If he comes from a feudalistic society like those
Emperors,Kings, Sultans and Maharajahs then he is right.
If he treats you like a consort or queen,
then you may close one eye or both eyes..LOL!
If you are willing to share this 'generous' stud with all
those sleazy and slutty women he beds with,
then just close an eye or both eyes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): if you leave him, and I sincerely hope you do, it won't make the slightest bit of difference whether you tell him about snooping his email. But if I were you I'd keep him guessing about it. That way he might think someone snitched on him and he'll be wondering who the hell it was and not be able to trust any of his friends or acquaintances.
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A
female
reader, sexseahot +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Are you actually considering believing what he has said to you? It's ok for him to cheat? YEAH RIGHT!!! I would just dump him if that's how he thinks. He's obviously not going to change if that's how he thinks. You should not have to put up with someone making excuses for himself about why he should cheat and why it's ok. If he really respected you, he wouldn't be doing this stuff behind your back. And you've been with him for 3 years?! WHY?! How can you put up with this behavior?
I would definitely let him know what you found out and give him some ultimatums. Tell him if he wants to stay with you, he won't be cheating, which of course, since he thinks it's ok, he probably won't want to abide by that. If you want a faithful relationship, let him know that and if he don't want to respect enough to do that for you, there are always other men out there for you that will give you the respect you deserve.
Good Luck!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Jeez the nerve of that guy to say that he can have sex with as many girls and not have feelings for them! So does that mean he doesn't have any feelings for you either if thats the case? This guy really knows how to manipulate and control you. Walk away from him now before its too late!! You've already wasted 3 years of your life with this loser! Show him that you are not going to put up with him and his ways any longer! He thinks you are relying on him - prove him wrong and be stronger than him! He has no respect for you or any of the other women he sleeps with! You should also get yourself tested for STI's - you never kno what he has picked up and maybe passed on to you from these other girls......
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Sorry Honey but like the others have already said, "Get rid of this man"
He has no respect for you or himself. He will try to turn it on you, because he bloody well knows he is in the wrong, and you are going to back down. Are you going to let this guy get away with having sex with other women, and tell you its normal. God I hope not. If you think he will change, I am sorry to tell you he wont.
Get some respect and dump the looser.
XX
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A
female
reader, Lostgal123 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Lostgal123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you uncle phil, natasia and baby duck for your advise. is it okay to tell him that i knw what is going on because i snooped his email? i need more advices...
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (5 June 2008):
You are obviously not willing to be in a relationship with someone who is sleeping with 'several' people..., he is obviously unwilling to be monogomous - this equals incompatibility , simple as that!
I wouldn't touch this guy with a ten foot pole, you should run and not look back!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): I don't know what planet this guy is from, but it sure as hell isn't the same one I'm standing on!
I think that 3 years with this guy is plenty long enough. Time to move on I feel, and find someone who respects you, and has a modicum of self-respect too.
Get rid of him - and the sooner the better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): He's taking you for a ride and I cannot believe your still sitting there. You need to stop being so weak (sorry if it sounds harsh but I'm being honest) and DUMP THIS JERK.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Finish with him. He isn't treating you with respect. Or, tell him he stops this or you finish with him. Then follow through.
You don't need this! He's getting away with too much. I also read some emails once that nearly made me faint, and I'm realising that this just isn't fair - it's not right for someone to treat you like this. Don't let him. Be strong!
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