A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all!! In need of advice and I turn to you. Ive been with my guy for a few years. And he messed up HARDCORE a cpl years ago lying, cheating and hiding things. He got busted by being sloppy. And all that he did seriously messed my up in the head, heart and self esteem department. After he got busted of all things he was doing he was never there for me. Basically leaving me to fend thru all this messed up junk on my own. Which made it difficult to do. He also changed the man he was. Once a huge sweetheart that I loved to be around to now a very angry hot headed man that yells at me anytime I bring up anything from the past to get closure to be able to move on. Just this past week ive decided to change myself for the better and not allow depression to suck me into its evil hands anymore. So I started to diet and work out. As well as telling myself that im going to get past all this. SO last night while he and I were having a conversation I asked him 1 question to help me for the future. I asked what made him change into the angry man after he was caught up in his cheating ways to help me with how to change myself in the future. If it was something I did back then, then I would avoid that same mistake in the future. But he took it as me "trying to start to talk about the past" and began to yell at me in front of my 7 yr old daughter who was in the backseat. I told him to calm down. That there isn't a reason to be yelling at me when all im doing is asking a question to help me change for the better which will then change us for the best too. He always assumes im saying things to "attack him" so hes fast as hell to be very defensive no matter what its about. Due to him saying all his life hes been attacked by people. It seems like he wants me there for support when he needs it but when I need help/support he only wants to sit there and yell at me. I feel so pushed away by his actions. I feel like im nothing but a bother to him anymore. But he says I mean everything to him, so why doesn't he show it in his actions?!?!? PLEASE help me before I lose my mind.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 January 2017):
 First of all, may I suggest you have these talks about this without any kids present. You daughter might have been in the backseat, but kids are smart and they remember stuff, and they don't NEED to be dragged into this.
He cheated and you CHOSE to stay with him. WHY? If he not only had put YOU through all this CRAP, he also changed into an angry and abusive man - another reason NOT to stay.
Wanting to work things out, I get it. But WE all have standards and limits as to HOW we will ALLOW people to treat us.
My guess is you LOWERED your standards to STAY with him. You probably say you wanted to work it out because you love him. BUT here is the thing, IF he could DO all those things to you, do you REALLY think he loved you to the same degree?
STAYING with a cheater RARELY makes a relationship better. IT can happen IF there is REMORSE on the cheater's side and if the CHEATER is willing to do whatever it takes for the partner to work through it, to do whatever it takes to rebuild the TRUST that the CHEATER broke,
YOUR BF have done NONE of that. Instead, he has gone on the offensive. If you mention it, he blows up. Why? Because THAT is how he controls YOU. He knows you stop as SOON as he starts the yelling. And the whole "everyone is out to get me" excuse he is using? Are you seriously accepting that? That he somehow is now the VICTIM?
YOU can not FIX a broken relationship ALL by yourself. And that is what you are trying. He is just there for the ride and familiarity and maybe even to make you FEEL like shit for not thinking he is the BESTEST guy ever anymore.
DO yourself AND (mostly) your DAUGHTER a favor and end this relationship and walk away. She might only be 8, but she knows more of what's going on than you think and she is taking mental notes. As HOW men and women interact, what women ALLOW, what is the norm etc.
As for him not being supportive of you or showing you love. Have you considered that he MAY not show support and love the same way as you do? There is a book called 5 love languages. It basically shows that people don't all use the same way to SHOW how they feel. He might think that BY staying with YOU, he is showing love and support. By paying bills (or helping paying bills) he is showing love and support.
Your relationship is dead in the water about to sink. Because there is this HUGE lump under the rug that IS the past and HIS past muck-ups. You have been tiptoeing around this huge lump in order to stay with him and not set him off. You even seem to think that maybe it was YOUR fault he cheated?! No. That is a CHOICE he made. Could it be because the relationship was not doing great? Sure, but he STILL made that choice to CHEAT. And to be sloppy about it.
I think YOU would do SO much better raising your daughter without this guy in your life. Cheating changed the relationship and definitely for the worse.
You can't fix him, you can't change him and he has NO interest in dragging up the past to calm your fears or help you move past it. HE is done with the past and expects you to just suck it up and be done too.
WHY stay and be miserable?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't have a bad look at you at all for giving me your honest outlook on my situation, I greatly appreciate it. I will let you know that the reasoning that he gave me for doing all the stupid junk behind my back was "I've been hurt many times by women in my past. So I decided to change my lifestyle and do the same to women. I never realized what kind of woman you were until after the fact & I hate myself for doing what I did to you. So I don't like to talk about it due to it bringing back up my anger." I never deserved any of his wrong doings that he did to me. But the least he can do is be there for me to help me get thru all the disaster that it all did to the person I am. But he wants to be a screaming a-hole towards me instead, which is only making it that much harder on me as well as pushing me away. And I have told him that hoping he would see it from my stand point & change to be there for me when I need it the most.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2017): You do not deserve this treatment at all. I don't know the full story, but I can tell you with confidence that actions speak louder than words. It's easy for anyone to say anything, as I'm sure you've experienced, but what is most important is how they act. Sometimes people put on a front that they are someone that they really aren't and this leads us to stay with them looking for that person they used to be, but in all reality it just isn't them. I don't know your boyfriend, but know someone that acts very similarly and I can tell you that they are full of bs. He was hurt once forever ago and ever since all he does is lie and cheat and disrespect women because of his marred perception of them from one experience he had with one years ago. The only time I saw his true light is when I'd leave him. He is not worth the stress and craziness you are feeling. I know you fell in love with a sweetheart, but that is not who he is anymore (or maybe ever) and you deserve better. I don't want you to think I am just a stranger telling you how to live your life and who your boyfriend is, but from an outside perspective he is bad news and not worth the heartbreak and trouble. There are plenty of real sweethearts out there that would want to help you and never hurt you trust me.
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