A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 26 years old. I have been with my fiance who is 31 for 2 yrs coming Feb. We had a child after 4 mths of meeting eachother. After that happened everything started going down hill. First off, when he met me I was a party girl, lost my job, was dirty cuz I was never home, did drugs, drank, was fun, etc. He was too except he had a job. Well we fell in love very quick (or was it lust?). We spent every waking day together. I stopped working for almost 6 mths off and on. He supported me besides my bills that were behind. He complained alot about how he's financially supporting me, etc. I told him he could leave if he wanted and I could go to FL to my mothers. He decided to come to FL with me. Supported me a bit more but once I got there I applied everyday. He blamed me cuz work wasn't coming fast enough. He would get on me for not cleaning certain things, picking up, etc. We fought alot. He hated my mothers house, he hated being tight with money, etc. Then we found out we were pregnant. He was all for the support but then started stressing more and said he just doesn't see being with me. Now at this pt I tried waitressing, didn't work preg was gettng to me physically. Stopped working for 1 more mth. Got a admin job that didn't bring as much as he brought in and he still complained even with me giving him about 500 a mth or more. He's got really bad road rage, he puts people down including me, disrespects his mother, has mentally tortured me for what he has gone thru with me, says he can't see me be a wife because I'm not independent. Gets on me for not picking up things right away, etc. So months go by,(we've broke up a few times but for a day). I now decided to try waitressing and go to school ft to better my life quicker. I should bring in good money soon and my student loans and financial aid are helping me out. He still gets on me for shit. Like not turning the ceiling fan off, not putting the toilet paper roll side up, leaving something around, unplugging all applicances and electronics if not in use becuz he wants to save energy...etc. But he yells and he'll put me down and be evil about it. I'm not dirty at all! I don't party, don't do drugs, go to school, helping him out more with baby since he took on ft school, 2x's/ wk working bartending, did all the errands, did the cooking, cleaning, etc. So now I will be able to help him more and he still bitches at me for not doing things right. I feel like I'm not enough and he's holding on to resentment. He used to be outgoing, laid back, fun, less frustrated, etc. He says I changed him in a bad way because of him having to take up so much responsibility and pick up after me, etc. Can this really make a guys personality change? I dont' know if this will work out. Help!
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female
reader, loucie +, writes (27 September 2007):
don't blame yourself for his personality change. He is not being fair on you at all. You sound as if your truying your best. There is nothing worse than feeling that your living on egg shells because he expects you too be too perfect to the point of amaking sure you put the toilet paper the right way on the roll. He is being verbally abusive.You should feel comfortable in your home & be able to not feel so pressured into not having everything so perfect. Maybe this has just all got on top of him since you both had the baby. Maybe you need to sit down & talk when the moment is right, when you both have a calm moment. I do understand though how hard it is to find that moment. If he carries on please don't be afraid to leave him & be a single parent. Ive done it & I have four children & my ex was verbally abusive & it's not happiness at all. You are still so young.Right a list down of all the good things about him that make you happy & all the bad things, when he makes you miserable. Let me know how you get on. x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): No it's his excuse for not wanting to be responsible for a family himself. He has some serious blaming others & control issues. It's not your fault. Keep your education going & leave him.
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A
female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (27 September 2007):
 I think that your relationship started out in a certain way - you were the wild one and he was the one who picked up the pieces and told you off about your life, at least, maybe this is the way he sees it. Now that you've calmed down, he's still trying to act this way around you. Earlier in your relationship, he was right to tell you to clean up your house. Now that you clean it on your own, he's trying to find things to tell you to do - so he's going crazy about ceiling fans and toilet roll directions, because that's his role in the relationship and he can't find anything bigger to pick on.
Can this change someone's personality? I don't know about personality, but it can definitely change their behaviour. He felt superior to you at the start and now that you've turned your life around, he's struggling to maintain his hold on the "grown-up" part he used to play around you. In a way, he doesn't really want you to have a job and be responsible, because that way, you don't *need* him as much as you used to. The whole dynamic of your relationship has come unbalanced.
So, can you make it right? Can he accept a more equal balance between you? If not, can you accept his nit-picking? For the moment, I think that you should concentrate on yourself. It's great that you're going to school now and maturing. Keep it up. Don't let him get to you. The problem is that you will have to completely remodel your relationship with him. It's almost starting over, and are you both ready to deal with that?
Just my perspective - hope it helps. Good luck and keep us posted.
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