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female
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anonymous
writes: Recently, me and my bf of 1.5 year has come to a discussion about our sexual needs.It is like this...i think guy tends to have higher sexual desire than girl...so sometime i do not want it at all nor do i want to help him up when he needs that...I see it as he should respect me even i don't want to do it and if he does masturbate himself next to me, it looks awful to me. He is my first bf and i am his first too. He told me i need to be matured about this and understand his needs.I know it is unfair for him. But this is how the society is like when a girl run naked on the street, ppl tend to accept it more than seeing a guy run naked on the street. We will take it in an offensive way if a guy run naked on the street.So, i told him about how i think.He thinks i am silly and need to grow up.Honestly, when i said i don't want it, i would rather he hold me tight and sleep with me rather than masturbating next to me. That make me feel uncomfortable. We had a talk, he came out with suggestion like i should care about his need and maybe i should give him a hand. I told him if i dont want to have anything to do with sex, i wouldn't even want to help him in that way. But he doesn't seem to understand it. So, we never really have a conclusion on this.I do admit sometime i am a bit harsh to him when he keep requesting that when i don't want it. There was a time when i was on pill, i have extremely low sex drive. He annoyes me with his act. But what can i do? when guy tend to have higher sex drive. Maybe i did it very wrong by pushing him away and that make him feel guilty for what he just did.I care about him and so does he. Ocassionaly, i have the needs to and he doesn't want it. He still give me some rub and stuff and let me masturbate next to him. But those ocassion were very rare, or that happen after we had sex. So, it is different.But he see the whole thing as i only have it when i want it but when he wants it, i don't care about it.How should i deal with this?Please advise me
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (5 May 2006):
 I have to disagree with the first answer you got below, I think the second answer is much better.
If you don't want sex with him and he's feeling turned on, then he is perfectly entitled to masturbate. I don't think it is reasonable for you to tell him not to. Certainly you shouldn't feel you have to have sex with him, but you also have no right to tell him not to masturbate either.
Perhaps while he masturbates you can just hold him or kiss him or something similar. This might make you feel closer and result in less of a problem between you.
If you continue doing what you are doing it's very possible that you'll end up pushing him into the arms of another girl. Sexually rejection for a man can be very painful (though we usually hide it), as it hits us right where it hurts when it comes to our fragile male egos.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2006): Is it so much trouble to satisfy his needs if you love him? You may not feel like sex but how does it adversely affect you to let him have sex with you?. I can tell you that it hurts to be rejected by the one you love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2006): it does sound like you only have when you want it, and you're also stopping him helping himself!!
would you prefer he was pleasing himself with other women or masterbating in bed next to you?
sex is a big part of a relationship, noone should be forced into it but you've been together for a year and a half with sex so it has been part of the way you used to do things.
maybe if you start by giving hima hand, then yo are doing something together, its very hurtful when a partner goes off sex, even if its all your own issues it cant be good for his self esteem and as his pertner you should be sensitive to that.
is there anything he can do to get you in the ood a bit better, im sure he'd be only too happy to help.
not to mention he'll be delighted that you took the time to try sort this out.
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2006): Listen anonymous, you are sounding far more mature than he is being.
Different people have different levels of sex drive, it's not always the case that men have a higher need than women.
He is probably causing your sex drive to be lower by the way he is acting.
It is pretty disgusting that he is masturbating next to you when you arn't interested - you shouldn't let him.
It sounds to me like if you got more love, and non-sexual affection (kissing, hugging, reassurance) you would be much more interested in sex. At the moment it seems like he is just making it seem dirty.
He is also making you feel like sex is something you should "give" him. Sex shouldn't be about that.
He is giving you a bad idea about what sex in a relationship should be like. You said he is your first, well I think if he can't respect your views then you need to ditch him for someone a little more understanding.
The key to turning a women on is not masturbating next to her trying to manipulate her in to doing things for him but showing her her loves her through attention, understanding, affection and comfortable intimacy.
Stand your ground and don't let him fool you in to thinking you are the one with the problem; you're not.
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