A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I moved in with my boyfriend about 5 months ago. He used to tell me that he wanted to be with just me and knew he would marry me one day. Since we moved in we have been arguing a lot more and he recently told me that he did not think he could marry me and did not know about the future. He said his feelings had changed. He still loves me and wants to be with me. Should I stick around and work on things or just go ahead and pull the plug now. My feelings toward him are not the same as him. I would marry him in a heartbeat. I am confused and hurt.
View related questions:
moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): i'd let him know you've been concerned with how things have been since you've moved in together, and you're guessing he has, too, what with all the fighting. you both need to figure out whether that fighting is a signal of some deep, underlying incompatibility that you never realized existed, or whether it's just a bunch of misunderstandings piled on top of each other that have come out with the stress of being constantly around one another all the time.i'd reject the harsher approaches suggested here, of ultimatums, etc. it sounds like he's not trying to hurt you- he's being honest about where things stand. you say you would marry him in a heartbeat, but even you've acknowledged that things haven't been good.tell him that you can understand his reservations and confusion - that the fighting has really surprised you, too. spend some time on your own thinking about what you actually *have* to have, and figure out how to let go of all the rest. you don't *have* to have the toilet seat put down - stop mentioning it. you don't *have* to always be 50-50 on everything - stop keeping score. you don't *have* to hear 'i love you' every day; you have to be able to trust that it's there in commitment, even when it's not there in warm, fuzzy feelings. etc. (i'm not saying any one of these things in particular is something you're doing; they're just common examples.)and then spend a month focusing on never getting angry with him or upset with him. just bite your tongue on everything. unless he cheats on you or abuses you, no matter how right you think you are, just let it go. it's good practice. you'll find that a lot of things won't bother you as much once you start letting them go. and the ones that do still bother you, even after you've let them go by a few times, you'll know are important enough to discuss, and you'll probably be more cool-headed about and more able to discuss rationally. at the end of the month. but for that month, just focus on being the woman he fell in love with, and see how he responds.if his feelings 'changing' is a product of the tension in the relationship, you can do a lot to make that situation better, and within 3 or 4 weeks (maybe 5), he'll start to respond. don't expect too much from either of you - just be willing to be the one to offer unconditional, selfless love, with no expectations. you might be surprised at how he responds to that. and if he doesn't, after 4-6 weeks ... if you've really been being true to yourself, not smothering him, and just offering real love, and he doesn't respond ... well, his feelings probably really have changed, and it probably is the kind of thing that you can't resolve b/c it's not in you, it's in him. and then you need to find a new place to live. and see where to go from there.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2007): You should have stayed where you were at. If he loves you, he would work out the issues with you. Maybe you both see each other everyday.
Talk to him, sit him down and discuss what's been on your mind. Let him know.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunty t  +, writes (7 March 2007):
 Things often change when you move in with someone. You have to get used to seeing them all of the time and putting up with their habits. You havent been living together long so what is the hurry with marriage? If you are fighting alot of the time this is not a good basis for a happy marriage. You must iron all of these problems out first. Ask him to explain what has changed, maybe he is feeling trapped if after another couple of months things are not any better I would look at getting on with your life on your own. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, julesy +, writes (7 March 2007):
what you need to do is back off.That means get yourself engaged in other activities,passions,sport whatever...so that your interests are not only focused on him.he is probably feeling smothered and therefore wants out.it is all a game...remember that you always want what you can't have!men want you to keep making them feel the way they did in the begining of the relationship.you have to keep it hot.make him less sure of you and where you are...give him space to come back if he wants too.but remember, that this is something you will always have to keep up...know what i mean?
...............................
A
female
reader, chachacha  +, writes (7 March 2007):
It sounds like there are some problems in the relationship which need addressing. If he does love you, as he says he does, then he must be committed to working on those issues with you. Some couples counselling may help, or at least talking about what's not working and what to change.
If he won't work on the relationship, then you should end it: this is why:
I moved in with someone in similar circumstances, and my partner said that there were issues in the relationship and things weren't working, but we didn't split up. However, my partner would not work on the relationship, and I can tell you that it is impossible to work on the relationship by yourself. You become the one who tries to fix everything and whatever I did, my partner would still say that things just aren't working, but still not leave. It's like a form of emotional battering. In the end (and I mean about 3 years later), I said that I could not stay in a relationhip where I was consistently being told that my partner was not sure of the relationship or of the future, but failed to do anything to work on it. I would never wait so long again because it is terribly descructive and I would so want to protect others from making the same mistake.
Can you imagine how you would feel if your partner tells you he's not sure of the future, for the next 3 years? Can you imagine living with that kind of abuse? Tell your partner that he needs to get sure of the future, and work with you to fix the problems, or else it has to end. Set a timeframe for him to decide and stick to your timeframe.
I do hope he works with you on this and you fix it. Best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 March 2007):
 Sound like you guys should be living separately for awhile. You don't want to marry him if he doesn't love you as much as you love him. Some things are just not meant to be.
...............................
A
male
reader, steven 25206542 +, writes (7 March 2007):
 if u love him that much i think u should NOT leave him i think u should have a break (not for u to shag other men our for him to shagg other girls) but time apart for him to reilise that he needs u if it was ment to be he will come back to u since u are living with him maybe u should try moving to a differnt house for a bit if he gets angry at this say that u ar doing it for the good off your reallshionship
...............................
A
female
reader, wickedrachel +, writes (7 March 2007):
 moving in is a big step, and always has its ups and downs, but if i could move in with my partner i would. but now your more likely to row as you see each other constantly and most probably dont do the things you normally did. try suggesting staying in a hotel or go away for the weekend to clear the air, and when you come back see how it goes, just bite your tongue whenever you feel something is about to arise. it is obvious you love him and he says he loves you so aint that worth working at
hope it works out let me know rachel
...............................
|
